Recently I celebrated two anniversaries.
I am pleased to announce Eric and I have been married 16 years!!!
I love him dearly and am so blessed to have such an incredible husband.
Such a feat is either a lesson in miracles or sheer stubbornness, or perhaps a combination of the two.
I love to read and research. Unfortunately, much of the research I come across nowadays includes a section on divorce rate statistics for varying situations. Illness, moves, job loss, natural disasters, having a child with a disability, a spouse with cancer (especially if it is the wife who is sick), and the list goes on.
Basically there has been a 273% chance that we should have gotten a divorce. On the surface, that's not a pretty number.
However, it makes the victories in our marriage that much sweeter.
The other 'anniversary' is that of my cancer diagnosis. I spent our 13th wedding anniversary in the emergency room. Hearing that I had a large mass in my abdomen was not what I had hoped for that year, but what a tremendous gift that was. A gift of early detection. A gift of amazing Christian surgeons. A gift of having recently moved to the exact state with the exact specialty cancer hospital I needed. A gift of a shift in priorities. A gift of a new life really.
Praising the Lord for His amazing grace and mercy and His love and attention to each one of us.
Extremely humbling. Tremendously sobering.
I love my life! I'm so thankful for my anniversaries!
What are you thankful for today?
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Fog is lifting, but visibility is still questionable
Rapidly approaching is the much anticipated one year mark of being released from my daily chemo regiment. Essentially I was choosing to take poison - removed from the pesticide market due to it's ill effects on humans, now repackaged as an alternative to death and marked up 5000%.
Perfect.
It'll keep me here with my husband and children? Let's head to the pharmacy. And step on it!
Symptoms of taking such a fabulous drug were extensive. However, dealing with confusion, memory loss, nausea, vomiting, and a host of other unpleasant side effects I'll spare you from, far outweighed being dead.
(yes, heaven will be amazing, but every mom wants a chance to raise her precious babies!)
We were informed that the chemo tended to have lingering effects, remaining in my system for quite some time after ingesting my last dose. Perhaps a year, maybe more.
I've never received a clear answer - that I can recall - as to whether or not the brain damage could be permanent and have remained hopeful...most likely a drug-induced, fuzzy hope of regaining all my faculties.
Recently I have experienced a tremendous amount of false confidence, resulting in narrowly escaping an emergency room visit on more than one occasion.
These events of late, along with episodes of 'what day is it?' 'how do you spell that common word?' 'what's my birth date?' occasionally send a panic through me that I may never be 'the same' again.
My family views my not being 'the same' largely as a blessing. I have learned to let things go that may have dragged me down in the past. I think I now have the ability to be a 'fun' mom because I am not capable of thinking through all the repercussions until they materialize...after the fact. I can read the same book twice and still be surprised at how it ends. This is a money saver!
It's much harder to hold a grudge when you can't remember the conversation.
I am certain each of them could add to my list.
I refuse to go into detail regarding what may go down in family history as 'The Handstand Incident of 2011', but let's just say I didn't realize how old I was nor how long it had been since performing such a stunt, but I really did leave a lasting impression on my children.
And Eric for that matter.
Thankfully no one died. Namely me.
Nor was there any damage to property.
Or picture to prove it ever happened.
End of story.
It did, however, raise the question regarding the All-American saying -'it's just like riding a bike'.
Implying that said activity is 'a piece of cake'. EASY! Anyone can do it!
I can do it!
Eric has since mandated that I am not allowed to attempt riding a bicycle either.
Yes, even if I am wearing a helmet.
Refer back to my wanting to be here to raise my precious babies.
You would think I could connect the dots.
Even though I may remember the aforementioned 'Handstand Incident of 2011', I was incapable of correlating potential ill effects from other activities I deemed easy in my youth.
My youth - as in the the 70's and 80's.
Heck! Even the early 90's!
Yikes!
As I age I don't realize that there are now things that I have not done in decades.
DEC-ADES! Oh my goodness.
Periodically I require as much supervision as my children for my own safety. Unfortunately, one cannot begin to see into the future and pinpoint which outing may be undeniably unsafe. So on a warm June evening I set out to the playground with my two pumpkin-heads, Emily and Daniel.
The mission?
Let Daniel run off some energy at the playground, while Emily and I enjoy the warm day and play quiet games, such as tic-tac-toe and hangman at the picnic table. All in hopes that the fresh air and running around will lead to an efficient, pleasant bedtime routine.
We live in an apartment complex and typically there are other children on the playground for Daniel to interact with.
Any idea where this is headed??
After giving him an 'obstacle course' to run while I timed him, secret playground missions to go on, and several rounds of the ever-popular mom trick of 'OOH! Let me see that AGAIN! It was SO cool!', I was forced into interacting - for a few moments - with a healthy, active, five-year-old boy.
Oh dear.
At first he was the commander - he's been General Washington for the last several weeks and I'm starting to have nightmares that 'The Red Coats are Coming!'.
Alas! Here was my chance to fight for our freedom!
Before we could begin, I received detailed instruction on how to hold my imaginary rifle.
This was a painfully longer lesson that I had thought possible as he was very specific and I failed - repeatedly - to hold it correctly. He insisted it be held properly before we could engage in battle.
Later in life his desire to teach someone the proper and correct way to complete a task will definitely be in his favor and his students, employees, children, etc. will greatly benefit.
For now, his mommy just wants to be done playing soldier on the playground for all to see.
I still had a teensy bit a pride left.
If I had known what was to follow, I could have skipped the desire to clutch that last bit of pride so tightly, for it was to be yanked from me in just a few short moments.
After several painstaking lessons on how to properly handle my imaginary rifle, I was allowed onto the battlefield with said five-year-old. We outsmarted the enemy for quite some time and had a very successful victory over the British with no casualties.
Excellent.
I headed back to the safety of games to be played on paper with Emily.
Daniel's thirst for a playmate had not been quenched by just one battle.
Bummer.
As soon as I was seated the pleas resumed and as the requests wafted over the wood-chip covered playground for someone to play with the poor, lonely little boy with the incredible imagination, I pondered what my next adventure may entail.
I had already determined I did not want to experience failing another rifle holding lesson. Now what?
And then...I had a brilliant idea!
I challenged Daniel (the healthy, energetic General) to a race across the monkey bars.
The monkey bars are easy.
Let's go!
We climb to the platform.
We place our hands on the bars.
I shout 'ready? set! GO!
We launch ourselves off the platform.
Daniel races across the monkey bars to the other side.
I.
Well.
There wasn't much of a race to be had for me.
You see, as soon as I let my body drop from the platform, my arms were ripped from their sockets.
I was incapable of releasing my grip from the first bar as all nerves were now disconnected and no longer sending messages to my brain.
I hung there.
For a bit.
Not certain of my next move.
Perhaps I was in shock.
This was not good, for Daniel still thinks the emergency # for help is 9-9-1 and as much as I drill Emily, she does not know where we live.
This is where I determined that yes, I do still have chemo brain.
I also need to wear a slip of paper pinned to my shirt with my name and address and emergency contact information written on it in bold sharpie.
'Release! Release!' my fiery shoulders audibly scream to my now numb hands.
And down to the ground I drop.
Even without Emily's proclamation of Daniel as the winner, I did realize that, clearly, my monkey bar racing days were over.
Perhaps they've been over for many moons longer than I could have guesstimated.
Also over were any days that may require the use of my arms.
Perfect.
It'll keep me here with my husband and children? Let's head to the pharmacy. And step on it!
Symptoms of taking such a fabulous drug were extensive. However, dealing with confusion, memory loss, nausea, vomiting, and a host of other unpleasant side effects I'll spare you from, far outweighed being dead.
(yes, heaven will be amazing, but every mom wants a chance to raise her precious babies!)
We were informed that the chemo tended to have lingering effects, remaining in my system for quite some time after ingesting my last dose. Perhaps a year, maybe more.
I've never received a clear answer - that I can recall - as to whether or not the brain damage could be permanent and have remained hopeful...most likely a drug-induced, fuzzy hope of regaining all my faculties.
Recently I have experienced a tremendous amount of false confidence, resulting in narrowly escaping an emergency room visit on more than one occasion.
These events of late, along with episodes of 'what day is it?' 'how do you spell that common word?' 'what's my birth date?' occasionally send a panic through me that I may never be 'the same' again.
My family views my not being 'the same' largely as a blessing. I have learned to let things go that may have dragged me down in the past. I think I now have the ability to be a 'fun' mom because I am not capable of thinking through all the repercussions until they materialize...after the fact. I can read the same book twice and still be surprised at how it ends. This is a money saver!
It's much harder to hold a grudge when you can't remember the conversation.
I am certain each of them could add to my list.
I refuse to go into detail regarding what may go down in family history as 'The Handstand Incident of 2011', but let's just say I didn't realize how old I was nor how long it had been since performing such a stunt, but I really did leave a lasting impression on my children.
And Eric for that matter.
Thankfully no one died. Namely me.
Nor was there any damage to property.
Or picture to prove it ever happened.
End of story.
It did, however, raise the question regarding the All-American saying -'it's just like riding a bike'.
Implying that said activity is 'a piece of cake'. EASY! Anyone can do it!
I can do it!
Eric has since mandated that I am not allowed to attempt riding a bicycle either.
Yes, even if I am wearing a helmet.
Refer back to my wanting to be here to raise my precious babies.
You would think I could connect the dots.
Even though I may remember the aforementioned 'Handstand Incident of 2011', I was incapable of correlating potential ill effects from other activities I deemed easy in my youth.
My youth - as in the the 70's and 80's.
Heck! Even the early 90's!
Yikes!
As I age I don't realize that there are now things that I have not done in decades.
DEC-ADES! Oh my goodness.
Periodically I require as much supervision as my children for my own safety. Unfortunately, one cannot begin to see into the future and pinpoint which outing may be undeniably unsafe. So on a warm June evening I set out to the playground with my two pumpkin-heads, Emily and Daniel.
The mission?
Let Daniel run off some energy at the playground, while Emily and I enjoy the warm day and play quiet games, such as tic-tac-toe and hangman at the picnic table. All in hopes that the fresh air and running around will lead to an efficient, pleasant bedtime routine.
We live in an apartment complex and typically there are other children on the playground for Daniel to interact with.
Any idea where this is headed??
After giving him an 'obstacle course' to run while I timed him, secret playground missions to go on, and several rounds of the ever-popular mom trick of 'OOH! Let me see that AGAIN! It was SO cool!', I was forced into interacting - for a few moments - with a healthy, active, five-year-old boy.
Oh dear.
At first he was the commander - he's been General Washington for the last several weeks and I'm starting to have nightmares that 'The Red Coats are Coming!'.
Alas! Here was my chance to fight for our freedom!
Before we could begin, I received detailed instruction on how to hold my imaginary rifle.
This was a painfully longer lesson that I had thought possible as he was very specific and I failed - repeatedly - to hold it correctly. He insisted it be held properly before we could engage in battle.
Later in life his desire to teach someone the proper and correct way to complete a task will definitely be in his favor and his students, employees, children, etc. will greatly benefit.
For now, his mommy just wants to be done playing soldier on the playground for all to see.
I still had a teensy bit a pride left.
If I had known what was to follow, I could have skipped the desire to clutch that last bit of pride so tightly, for it was to be yanked from me in just a few short moments.
After several painstaking lessons on how to properly handle my imaginary rifle, I was allowed onto the battlefield with said five-year-old. We outsmarted the enemy for quite some time and had a very successful victory over the British with no casualties.
Excellent.
I headed back to the safety of games to be played on paper with Emily.
Daniel's thirst for a playmate had not been quenched by just one battle.
Bummer.
As soon as I was seated the pleas resumed and as the requests wafted over the wood-chip covered playground for someone to play with the poor, lonely little boy with the incredible imagination, I pondered what my next adventure may entail.
I had already determined I did not want to experience failing another rifle holding lesson. Now what?
And then...I had a brilliant idea!
I challenged Daniel (the healthy, energetic General) to a race across the monkey bars.
The monkey bars are easy.
Let's go!
We climb to the platform.
We place our hands on the bars.
I shout 'ready? set! GO!
We launch ourselves off the platform.
Daniel races across the monkey bars to the other side.
I.
Well.
There wasn't much of a race to be had for me.
You see, as soon as I let my body drop from the platform, my arms were ripped from their sockets.
I was incapable of releasing my grip from the first bar as all nerves were now disconnected and no longer sending messages to my brain.
I hung there.
For a bit.
Not certain of my next move.
Perhaps I was in shock.
This was not good, for Daniel still thinks the emergency # for help is 9-9-1 and as much as I drill Emily, she does not know where we live.
This is where I determined that yes, I do still have chemo brain.
I also need to wear a slip of paper pinned to my shirt with my name and address and emergency contact information written on it in bold sharpie.
'Release! Release!' my fiery shoulders audibly scream to my now numb hands.
And down to the ground I drop.
Even without Emily's proclamation of Daniel as the winner, I did realize that, clearly, my monkey bar racing days were over.
Perhaps they've been over for many moons longer than I could have guesstimated.
Also over were any days that may require the use of my arms.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Top Reads for 2009
Yes, 2009. As I searched my blog posts for a particular theme, I ran across this draft. I'm not certain why I never posted it, but these are not only books I still recommend, but ones I think I may read again in 2011! I am now inspired to write up my 2010 favorites! Perhaps I can post those within the year ;)
One would think I have all sorts of time for reading, which, in part, I do. It's the retention, the focus, etc that get in the way, so I haven't read as much as I would have liked. But out of what I have read this year, here are my favs...
The Shape of Mercy by Susan Meissner
A gripping book that is set in two different centuries. Strong characters and story line made me want to jump into the book so I could help the characters see what they were missing - ugh. SO good - You'll probably need a box of Kleenex. This would be my first pick for a book club read because there is so much to discuss and it was hard to not share when I read it through the first time...
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer
Set primarily in the WWII occupied English Channel. Rarely do I deviate from Christian fiction, but this came highly recommended. Not only did I enjoy the read, but the unique style of writing was a nice change of pace.
The French Twist Series by Sandra Byrd
"Let them eat Cake", "Bon Appetit", and "Piece de Resistance"
I'm not sure if it is my current penchant for carbs, or the 5 years of French I took - solely based on where I would want to travel, or the NW setting, but I thoroughly enjoyed these light, engaging novels. You may want to locate your nearest pastry shop prior to reading.
One would think I have all sorts of time for reading, which, in part, I do. It's the retention, the focus, etc that get in the way, so I haven't read as much as I would have liked. But out of what I have read this year, here are my favs...
The Shape of Mercy by Susan Meissner
A gripping book that is set in two different centuries. Strong characters and story line made me want to jump into the book so I could help the characters see what they were missing - ugh. SO good - You'll probably need a box of Kleenex. This would be my first pick for a book club read because there is so much to discuss and it was hard to not share when I read it through the first time...
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer
Set primarily in the WWII occupied English Channel. Rarely do I deviate from Christian fiction, but this came highly recommended. Not only did I enjoy the read, but the unique style of writing was a nice change of pace.
The French Twist Series by Sandra Byrd
"Let them eat Cake", "Bon Appetit", and "Piece de Resistance"
I'm not sure if it is my current penchant for carbs, or the 5 years of French I took - solely based on where I would want to travel, or the NW setting, but I thoroughly enjoyed these light, engaging novels. You may want to locate your nearest pastry shop prior to reading.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
A NEW CAR
It was a stupid, insufficient answer to a very large and looming question.
What do you want?
Now, I have many things on my 'what do I want' list...
A Cure for Cancer!
My daughter to WALK - to be fully healed of her medical issues.
Eric's health to be restored -or at the very least to hitch a ride with Marty McFly and Doc Brown and KNOW what the problem was earlier!!
OK. Perhaps that would have been too far back, but you get my point.
To be taller.
To have different knees.
You know...the normal stuff ;)
When I began thinking of things I wanted I tried to narrow it down to realistic things.
A NEW CAR is still in the realm of possibilities on this side of heaven.
What I am most irritated about is that I couldn't condense the amount of information regarding this said 'NEW CAR' want into a quick answer. I froze. I said something stupid.
Not the first time...but it was a time I wish I had said something that sounded a little less shallow.
Let me tell you about my NEW CAR desire.
It doesn't need to be NEW.
It doesn't need to be a CAR.
In fact, it really needs NOT to be a CAR!
Quickly approaching is the time where we will be facing the purchase and delivery of a power wheelchair for Emily.
She NEEDS a power chair. Her shoulders are beginning to have wear. Pain. Problems.
There are many experiences she is missing out on because the manual chair is so limited in the surfaces it functions on.
This was a tough pill to swallow. Every time we think we are used to a situation, one more piece of equipment, one more diagnosis, one more surgery...we get something new to adjust to.
I am learning the art of joy in all circumstances.
Personally, I feel joy is best when served with brownies! =)
Back to the CAR.
It's more than a want. It's a need.
An avenue to experience adventures or seek the new in the ordinary.
A wheelchair van.
Not just any conversion van.
One with a power ramp or power lift.
And air conditioning.
One that is reliable for the millions of trips to the hospital.
Wednesday and Sundays and sometimes Thursdays to the church.
Wednesdays and Fridays to school.
Across town for play-dates with friends.
To the barn to ride Buttons, the miniature horse.
As often as we can to the Grandparents'.
Occasionally to the beach.
and perhaps...one day...it will drive us to Disneyland! =)
A vehicle that will allow for opportunities to go do things as a family we have not been able to do before. The power chairs really are a different animal than the manual!
I desire for Emily to experience life to the fullest -without being so exhausted by the wheeling that she doesn't have the energy to participate in the opportunities presented to her. Goodness! She can explore all sorts of new terrain ON HER OWN! The grass fields at the park. The horse barn. Brick sidewalks. DIRT!
I am SO excited for her!
The power chair will allow her to store up some of those reserves for when a manual chair is the more appropriate option. It's not an either/or situation.
I am now wishing I had spoken my thoughts out loud.
Leaving the wrong impression to those who may have been impressionable does not sit well with me.
I know God knows my wants. My needs.
I know He has a handle on this situation.
I am resting in the omniscience of God.
Occasionally I am a bit restless in my resting...
I'm working on that.
The more I stewed in the NEW CAR blunder, the more emotional I became.
No longer suffering due to my careless words. My mind screamed 'That's not what I WANT!'
Who WANTS a WHEELCHAIR VAN??
I WANT Emily to be physically WHOLE!
And I cried all over again.
Reliving the grief and the loss of certain hopes.
Certain dreams.
My heart twisted for how hard it is for her to want to do something she can't.
To be different.
To not always fit in despite her efforts.
To not be invited.
To be invited yet sit on the sidelines.
It's heart wrenching.
She's a smart, fun, generous, tenderhearted little girl with too many hurts and hurdles for one so young.
Emily radiates strength. Determination.
She dreams big.
She possesses the ability, intelligence, and tenacity to achieve virtually anything.
God knew the personality she would need to get through this life.
She is an inspiration to me.
A reminder that I need to get out of my pity party and start enjoying what I can do.
Fussing over my knees ain't gonna change 'em. Move on! =)
* I am looking at different avenues for acquiring an appropriate vehicle.
If you would add that to your prayer list we would appreciate it!
I know God has it all worked out, but sitting around waiting for one to drop from the sky is probably not the wisest - or safest - way to go at the moment.
Please also pray for Emily's health. She recently had surgery and is doing well. However, she will need a minimum of 3 more surgeries in the upcoming year.
Prayer is a powerful thing and we serve a mighty God.
Hugs to you all!
What do you want?
Now, I have many things on my 'what do I want' list...
A Cure for Cancer!
My daughter to WALK - to be fully healed of her medical issues.
Eric's health to be restored -or at the very least to hitch a ride with Marty McFly and Doc Brown and KNOW what the problem was earlier!!
OK. Perhaps that would have been too far back, but you get my point.
To be taller.
To have different knees.
You know...the normal stuff ;)
When I began thinking of things I wanted I tried to narrow it down to realistic things.
A NEW CAR is still in the realm of possibilities on this side of heaven.
What I am most irritated about is that I couldn't condense the amount of information regarding this said 'NEW CAR' want into a quick answer. I froze. I said something stupid.
Not the first time...but it was a time I wish I had said something that sounded a little less shallow.
Let me tell you about my NEW CAR desire.
It doesn't need to be NEW.
It doesn't need to be a CAR.
In fact, it really needs NOT to be a CAR!
Quickly approaching is the time where we will be facing the purchase and delivery of a power wheelchair for Emily.
She NEEDS a power chair. Her shoulders are beginning to have wear. Pain. Problems.
There are many experiences she is missing out on because the manual chair is so limited in the surfaces it functions on.
This was a tough pill to swallow. Every time we think we are used to a situation, one more piece of equipment, one more diagnosis, one more surgery...we get something new to adjust to.
I am learning the art of joy in all circumstances.
Personally, I feel joy is best when served with brownies! =)
Back to the CAR.
It's more than a want. It's a need.
An avenue to experience adventures or seek the new in the ordinary.
A wheelchair van.
Not just any conversion van.
One with a power ramp or power lift.
And air conditioning.
One that is reliable for the millions of trips to the hospital.
Wednesday and Sundays and sometimes Thursdays to the church.
Wednesdays and Fridays to school.
Across town for play-dates with friends.
To the barn to ride Buttons, the miniature horse.
As often as we can to the Grandparents'.
Occasionally to the beach.
and perhaps...one day...it will drive us to Disneyland! =)
A vehicle that will allow for opportunities to go do things as a family we have not been able to do before. The power chairs really are a different animal than the manual!
I desire for Emily to experience life to the fullest -without being so exhausted by the wheeling that she doesn't have the energy to participate in the opportunities presented to her. Goodness! She can explore all sorts of new terrain ON HER OWN! The grass fields at the park. The horse barn. Brick sidewalks. DIRT!
I am SO excited for her!
The power chair will allow her to store up some of those reserves for when a manual chair is the more appropriate option. It's not an either/or situation.
I am now wishing I had spoken my thoughts out loud.
Leaving the wrong impression to those who may have been impressionable does not sit well with me.
I know God knows my wants. My needs.
I know He has a handle on this situation.
I am resting in the omniscience of God.
Occasionally I am a bit restless in my resting...
I'm working on that.
The more I stewed in the NEW CAR blunder, the more emotional I became.
No longer suffering due to my careless words. My mind screamed 'That's not what I WANT!'
Who WANTS a WHEELCHAIR VAN??
I WANT Emily to be physically WHOLE!
And I cried all over again.
Reliving the grief and the loss of certain hopes.
Certain dreams.
My heart twisted for how hard it is for her to want to do something she can't.
To be different.
To not always fit in despite her efforts.
To not be invited.
To be invited yet sit on the sidelines.
It's heart wrenching.
She's a smart, fun, generous, tenderhearted little girl with too many hurts and hurdles for one so young.
Emily radiates strength. Determination.
She dreams big.
She possesses the ability, intelligence, and tenacity to achieve virtually anything.
God knew the personality she would need to get through this life.
She is an inspiration to me.
A reminder that I need to get out of my pity party and start enjoying what I can do.
Fussing over my knees ain't gonna change 'em. Move on! =)
* I am looking at different avenues for acquiring an appropriate vehicle.
If you would add that to your prayer list we would appreciate it!
I know God has it all worked out, but sitting around waiting for one to drop from the sky is probably not the wisest - or safest - way to go at the moment.
Please also pray for Emily's health. She recently had surgery and is doing well. However, she will need a minimum of 3 more surgeries in the upcoming year.
Prayer is a powerful thing and we serve a mighty God.
Hugs to you all!
Friday, May 14, 2010
I'm fighting a migraine, but just have to write some things down to share.
Many things have been difficult with moving home. I am hoping that some are temporary, but I can't begin to comprehend how God may work through those circumstances. Guess that's why I need to keep giving it all to Him.
I will say that Eric and I are finding much of what we had been missing back here at 'home'. Having lunch with my parents and my sister-in-law today was awesome. Followed by taking the kids to the park, throwing rocks in the lake, and finishing off the afternoon with a quick run through Dutch Bros. A nearly perfect day. I only wish Eric had been feeling well enough to join us.
This weekend has been great. Movie with a good friend Friday night, painting pottery and Starbucks with Em Saturday, and a fun-filled BBQ with old friends and new.
Eric has been blessed with jumping right into music.
We are enjoying being around our friends we've missed greatly in the last few years.
Friends that have had a place in our hearts and who have been such prayer warriors for us in our absence - a humbling experience. And to be meeting some wonderful new friends who have been on their knees for us when we were unaware.
Friends who are willing to say "but how are you really?"
God is Awesome
One of Eric's hopes with our return home was to start giving back in some way again. God is presenting several avenues and I find it amazing that Eric will bring something up that has been on his heart and almost immediately an opportunity will show itself. Very cool.
I still feel like a slug. I 'want' to do more, but don't 'feel' like it.
I realized Saturday when I was out with Emily that I need to quit waiting till I feel like it. I need to just do it. (thank you for reminding me my good friend - you know who you are and YOU are an amazing mom who does a multitude of things even though you don't 'feel' like it)
Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I don't feel good. Yes, I forget things, repeat myself, and sometimes perhaps should not be unattended ;) It boils down to the fact that I can't sit here and wait till I'm all put together. My kids are little and they need me to be a Mom.
A mom that plays, reads stories, and takes them to the park. A mom that will spend the afternoon at the pottery place, or making bird feeders out of pine-cones and peanut butter. The mom I want to be. It is oh-so-hard, yet oh-so-rewarding when my little ones tell me it is the best day they've ever had, or how much they are enjoying being with me. Makes it worth every ounce of energy.
My husband needs me to be a wife and friend, and I need to start socializing again for my own sanity. Fellowship is a good thing. Having friends who encourage us to get out, even out-right kidnapping us, is a glorious thing. Being around others is energizing and exhausting at the same time, but the investment has been immeasurable thus far.
I'm all over the place today.
I suppose I simply want to convey that we are doing well.
We miss those we have left around the country, but I think y'all are going to have to come here to see us ;)
Triann
Many things have been difficult with moving home. I am hoping that some are temporary, but I can't begin to comprehend how God may work through those circumstances. Guess that's why I need to keep giving it all to Him.
I will say that Eric and I are finding much of what we had been missing back here at 'home'. Having lunch with my parents and my sister-in-law today was awesome. Followed by taking the kids to the park, throwing rocks in the lake, and finishing off the afternoon with a quick run through Dutch Bros. A nearly perfect day. I only wish Eric had been feeling well enough to join us.
This weekend has been great. Movie with a good friend Friday night, painting pottery and Starbucks with Em Saturday, and a fun-filled BBQ with old friends and new.
Eric has been blessed with jumping right into music.
We are enjoying being around our friends we've missed greatly in the last few years.
Friends that have had a place in our hearts and who have been such prayer warriors for us in our absence - a humbling experience. And to be meeting some wonderful new friends who have been on their knees for us when we were unaware.
Friends who are willing to say "but how are you really?"
God is Awesome
One of Eric's hopes with our return home was to start giving back in some way again. God is presenting several avenues and I find it amazing that Eric will bring something up that has been on his heart and almost immediately an opportunity will show itself. Very cool.
I still feel like a slug. I 'want' to do more, but don't 'feel' like it.
I realized Saturday when I was out with Emily that I need to quit waiting till I feel like it. I need to just do it. (thank you for reminding me my good friend - you know who you are and YOU are an amazing mom who does a multitude of things even though you don't 'feel' like it)
Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I don't feel good. Yes, I forget things, repeat myself, and sometimes perhaps should not be unattended ;) It boils down to the fact that I can't sit here and wait till I'm all put together. My kids are little and they need me to be a Mom.
A mom that plays, reads stories, and takes them to the park. A mom that will spend the afternoon at the pottery place, or making bird feeders out of pine-cones and peanut butter. The mom I want to be. It is oh-so-hard, yet oh-so-rewarding when my little ones tell me it is the best day they've ever had, or how much they are enjoying being with me. Makes it worth every ounce of energy.
My husband needs me to be a wife and friend, and I need to start socializing again for my own sanity. Fellowship is a good thing. Having friends who encourage us to get out, even out-right kidnapping us, is a glorious thing. Being around others is energizing and exhausting at the same time, but the investment has been immeasurable thus far.
I'm all over the place today.
I suppose I simply want to convey that we are doing well.
We miss those we have left around the country, but I think y'all are going to have to come here to see us ;)
Triann
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Being Four...
"Only those who will risk going too far
can possibly find out how far they can go."
T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
American-English poet and playwright
I had a switch flip the other day.
A monumental realization, actually.
It changed my life.
And I know it will change Daniel's as well.
My youngest is a FIREBALL!
Full of energy.
Most of the time sweet, yet often full of vinegar.
His curiosity is insatiable.
He has nearly no fear - it could have read NO FEAR up until recently.
He lives life with excitement and joy.
He loves a challenge - not in the obstacle sense, but in the 'I wonder' sense of the word.
Jumping, running FAST, charging through every event that presents itself.
He is super smart.
I am NOT the only one who feels this way - completely objective people have also made this observation.
Yes, I'm a proud mama, but in all honesty, he is truly bright.
God has flooded my mind with what is best for Daniel, as tired as I may be.
Let's fast forward 20 years.
A polite young man, a FIREBALL!
Full of energy, most of the time sweet and occasionally full of vinegar.
His curiosity is insatiable.
He has nearly no fear - now coupled with common sense.
He lives life with excitement and joy.
He loves a challenge - in the obstacle sense and in the 'I wonder' sense of the word.
Jumping, running FAST, charging through every event that presents itself.
He is super smart, educated.
All for God.
ALL FOR GOD.
>insert shedding of tears<
Did I mention I can be more emotional nowadays?
God: "it's not about you, Triann"
Hmmm...I've heard God say that to me before.
Several years ago - in regards to Emily.
I had a running, 'what am I supposed to learn from this?'
'Who am I supposed to be teaching about this?'
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!
Seriously.
An ugly, self-centered view of life.
And yet, God revealed this same truth to me about Daniel.
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!
It is about me
only in the context of God blessing me with two very unique, amazing children.
He has a special plan for my kiddos.
They are in my earthly care.
A huge responsibility.
But GOD has their hearts.
They will be amazing adults.
I can clearly see Daniel as an incredible Youth Pastor, or Missionary (even though that makes me want to start biting my nails), or perhaps in a mainstream job that allows him to have the full-of-life impact on so many who wander in darkness.
God intends to use Daniel's reckless abandon for His glory.
That makes me smile.
It makes me more tolerant(this is a work in progress), more willing to re-direct rather than punish, more excited about diverting those attributes into positive avenues in lieu of simply expecting them to diminish over time.
I need to celebrate the wonderful, creative, adventure-filled being that Daniel is.
Whether he is four or twenty-four, he is Child of God and HE has plans for him...I am so thankful for the opportunity to watch him grow into that young man.
For now, I will enjoy watching the energy I only wish I had.
Experience the curiosity through the eyes of a four year old.
And listen to my husband when he says, "don't look!" as Daniel proceeds to do something heart-stopping.
What about the little ones in your life can you choose to cherish, rather than try and change?
can possibly find out how far they can go."
T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
American-English poet and playwright
I had a switch flip the other day.
A monumental realization, actually.
It changed my life.
And I know it will change Daniel's as well.
My youngest is a FIREBALL!
Full of energy.
Most of the time sweet, yet often full of vinegar.
His curiosity is insatiable.
He has nearly no fear - it could have read NO FEAR up until recently.
He lives life with excitement and joy.
He loves a challenge - not in the obstacle sense, but in the 'I wonder' sense of the word.
Jumping, running FAST, charging through every event that presents itself.
He is super smart.
I am NOT the only one who feels this way - completely objective people have also made this observation.
Yes, I'm a proud mama, but in all honesty, he is truly bright.
God has flooded my mind with what is best for Daniel, as tired as I may be.
Let's fast forward 20 years.
A polite young man, a FIREBALL!
Full of energy, most of the time sweet and occasionally full of vinegar.
His curiosity is insatiable.
He has nearly no fear - now coupled with common sense.
He lives life with excitement and joy.
He loves a challenge - in the obstacle sense and in the 'I wonder' sense of the word.
Jumping, running FAST, charging through every event that presents itself.
He is super smart, educated.
All for God.
ALL FOR GOD.
>insert shedding of tears<
Did I mention I can be more emotional nowadays?
God: "it's not about you, Triann"
Hmmm...I've heard God say that to me before.
Several years ago - in regards to Emily.
I had a running, 'what am I supposed to learn from this?'
'Who am I supposed to be teaching about this?'
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!
Seriously.
An ugly, self-centered view of life.
And yet, God revealed this same truth to me about Daniel.
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!
It is about me
only in the context of God blessing me with two very unique, amazing children.
He has a special plan for my kiddos.
They are in my earthly care.
A huge responsibility.
But GOD has their hearts.
They will be amazing adults.
I can clearly see Daniel as an incredible Youth Pastor, or Missionary (even though that makes me want to start biting my nails), or perhaps in a mainstream job that allows him to have the full-of-life impact on so many who wander in darkness.
God intends to use Daniel's reckless abandon for His glory.
That makes me smile.
It makes me more tolerant(this is a work in progress), more willing to re-direct rather than punish, more excited about diverting those attributes into positive avenues in lieu of simply expecting them to diminish over time.
I need to celebrate the wonderful, creative, adventure-filled being that Daniel is.
Whether he is four or twenty-four, he is Child of God and HE has plans for him...I am so thankful for the opportunity to watch him grow into that young man.
For now, I will enjoy watching the energy I only wish I had.
Experience the curiosity through the eyes of a four year old.
And listen to my husband when he says, "don't look!" as Daniel proceeds to do something heart-stopping.
What about the little ones in your life can you choose to cherish, rather than try and change?
Monday, March 29, 2010
Goodness!
OK. I have TOTALLY neglected my blog since switching over to CaringBridge...not my intent.
Things have been a LITTLE crazier than 'normal' here.
How is that possible?
If you have NOT been to my Caring Bridge site - it was CLEAR SCANS!! in February.
The events that have transpired since then include a job change for Eric, a move back 'home' to the NW, and the beginning of Homeschool for Emily. Chemo Brain and Homeschool?...still working out the kinks on that one ;)
But I have lots of support so far.
The kids are adjusting well in some areas, but having a tough go with the loss of routine and their own space.
Prayers as we try to get situated.
I will check back in sooner than later.
Triann
Things have been a LITTLE crazier than 'normal' here.
How is that possible?
If you have NOT been to my Caring Bridge site - it was CLEAR SCANS!! in February.
The events that have transpired since then include a job change for Eric, a move back 'home' to the NW, and the beginning of Homeschool for Emily. Chemo Brain and Homeschool?...still working out the kinks on that one ;)
But I have lots of support so far.
The kids are adjusting well in some areas, but having a tough go with the loss of routine and their own space.
Prayers as we try to get situated.
I will check back in sooner than later.
Triann
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