Last night - Thanksgiving #3 - the family tradition was to go around the table and say what we are thankful for. Unfortunately, I was last. Why I didn't volunteer to go first? The same reason I was such a mess going last. Fear! I have SO much to be thankful for this year. Numerous scenarios in my life playing through my head of blessings in my life, but to say them out loud? Not my forte. Now, I was in debate club and I can speak on a given topic and argue with the best of them, but to share my heart - Something personal - too much to ask. I pondered most of the night why I can't get what is in my heart and head to come out of my mouth. Fear, yes. But fear of what? I think it boils down to being vulnerable. Putting myself in a position of 'risk'. As I think of this, I have no idea where that insecurity stems from. I can't even pray out loud! I know that, on some level,is related. Guess it is now on my list to work on. Because I really need another thing to work on =)
The written word I can do. I was big into journaling growing up and blogging is just a grown up (public) journal, right?
SO here is my I am thankful for list, that I completely botched last night. (Apparently I also have an issue with the need to redeem myself)
I am Thankful for my health. As crazy as that may sound, it could be SO much worse. I am thankful that Daniel jumped on me and the doctors found the tumor when they did.I am thankful to the many wonderful doctors I have, Eric has ,and Emily has. I am thankful that Eric was finally diagnosed and is now on a treatment that is giving him his life back. I am thankful for the school Emily attends and the amazing people who care for her there. I am thankful for the many friends and family that have jumped in and have sacrificed to help my family in this crazy, uncertain time.
I am thankful to have friends that feel like family to spend the holiday with when our family is so far away. I am thankful for a place Eric and I can go to be refreshed and the kiddos to 'run wild'. I am thankful that Daniel can experience a variety of new things and that Emily has a wonderful friend to share and play with. I am thankful that Eric and I can experience new things, have new wonderful friends to play with, and can - occasionally - 'run wild' too.
I am thankful for just about anything involving chocolate. I am thankful for our house and our vehicle and our freedom. I am thankful for my friends who encourage and support me no matter what - they are truly the hands and feet Jesus.
I am thankful for my beautiful children. The joy they bring to my life, the lessons they teach me, and their capability for unconditional love.
I am thankful for my incredible husband of 13 years. I could not go through this life without him, and God knew that. I am thankful for his sense of humor, his random knowledge of all things, his ability to relax, his love for the Lord and his desire to continue to grow in his relationship with Christ and always striving to be a better husband and a better dad. He is an inspiration to me.
Now I am about to cry and I don't do that well either - especially not in front of others.
I am thankful for the prayers of those we know and those we don't. I am thankful for another day here on earth. With my family. With my friends.
I am thankful my family will be here for Christmas.
I am thankful it is eggnog season - because it brings my husband joy! =)
I am thankful for so many things I could never list them all. But I do feel better having an opportunity to 'say' what is on my heart, even when I can't speak.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Triann
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Chemo Update
Last night I went up to 3 chemo pills. A lot of the strife is mental. Every time I go up I really struggle with not wanting to do it. Like an internal temper tantrum. It's not fair, it's not fair! Next week I will be up to four pills and I will stay there until my lab results come back to see how much is staying in my system. My levels of chemo and levels of steroid (because of the adrenal gland issue) will be analyzed each month. I am really tired, but I have also been sick, so it is tough to know what is the chemo and what is recovery from surgery and what is being sick with the crud! But my nauseousness has gotten better. A lot better, which is wonderful! My appetite is still low, but I don't think that is a bad thing - I would like to stay in my new size 6 pants! =)
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Health Update
I'm sorry to all of you who are waiting for part 2 of our Moving Story. I have been really under the weather. I finally went to the doctor and now am on antibiotics for a Sinus Infection and Bronchitis! All that to say it will be a few more days until I get part 2 posted. Sorry for the delay.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Weekend of Rest
We are having a fabulous time away this weekend. We are visiting with Eric's parents and their long-time friends who live in Tyler. The kids are having a blast running around outside, playing with all the new-to-them toys in the playroom and having 4 'grandparents' at their disposal. Which is a welcome break for Eric and I! Eric's Dad has especially been looking forward to visiting us so that he could take Daniel to get his first pair of cowboy boots. And Daniel LOVES them -what's not to love about John Deere and Camouflage?. I must say, for being a city girl, they are pretty cute on him. (Once I figure out how to post pictures, I'll put one up!). So while Grandpa Dennis and the boys were getting boots for Daniel, Grandma Jody and the girls were finding boots for Emily. And did the girls find boots! Emily now has a lively pink pair of cowgirl boots with more bling than I thought was possible. Silver sparkling emblems, and light up stars all up and down the side. She was thrilled - tickled pink, silver, and light up stars to be exact! She insisted that she wear them to bed last night! =) All in all a successful footwear outing - complete with eggnog lattes from Starbucks.
I am off to eat a homemade breakfast of pancakes and bacon - yum!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Sick Humor
I awoke looking forward to a day of rest, but a day of rest I did not get. I finally got around to eating breakfast this morning about 9AM - rice chex with milk, sounds harmless, right? But my second bite was fatal for my tooth. I lost an onlay (like a partial crown) on one of my back teeth. I actually pulled it off with a caramel early September and they put some temporary glue on it until I could have it fixed 'for real'. Needless to say, I've been a little pre-occupied. I REALLY did not want to go to the dentist today! But to the dentist I went. They used a stronger glue because of my sob story and I scheduled to come back later this month to have it permanently repaired. They began giving me my options as to the type of crowns I can order to replace the onlay and the one they recommend is a lava porcelain. Their big selling point was that it comes with a lifetime guarantee. I just about laughed out loud. Will I get my money's worth? Is that really a smart investment under the circumstances? Is it like going to a buffet after having your braces tightened? You KNOW you're not going to have anything you can't drink through a straw! Where is the value in that?
Hopefully you find it humorous with me. Some of you - like my mother - will probably find it morbid.
I still think it's kind of funny =)
Hopefully you find it humorous with me. Some of you - like my mother - will probably find it morbid.
I still think it's kind of funny =)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
A Moving Story - Literally - Part One (does that scare you?)
Through this latest bit of The Benson Saga we have been reconnecting with many friends we haven't seen in a while - some in a LONG while! My friend Tracy had a brilliant idea - another reason I miss her - that I put it on my blog how we ended up in Texas, rather than responding to each inquiry individually. Although cut-and-paste in the e-mail would work! =) But this is less time consuming.
Setting the Stage
February 2006 Daniel was born - he was a sweet, cranky baby. He was c-section and they could hear him screaming long before he was removed. All the nurses on the maternity ward knew when it was Daniel - you could hear him down the hall - and don't think it got any better when we headed home. He cried and screamed nearly 24 hrs a day, only slept very short periods of time and had big issues eating. Earlier that year Eric had taken a new position with the mortgage company he had started working for in 2002. With the new position he could work from home some of the time when he was not traveling. They didn't require a lot of travel and we were thrilled with the new arrangement. A few months later the company was 'acquired'. It was a summer of the unknown. Whether or not he would keep his job as they sorted out who would be merged into the new company and what exactly that would look like. One of the biggest upsets was the cut in pay - the new company did offer him a position, but at HALF the salary he was making before - ouch! At the time Eric felt it best to ride out the pains of the merger to be triumphant on the other side. Ultimately a good decision as we look back over the last two years, but certainly not an easy road. He was able to keep his seniority and a few other things that made it worth it for him to stay there and see what happened. The biggest change was that this company had him on the road EVERY week! SO here I was with a 4 year old little girl (I will blog about sweet Emily later) and a screaming infant and a husband who was lucky to be home for 48 hours on the weekend - often less than that. This went on for months while we tried to figure out if we could afford to stay in our house with the extra expenses of baby 2 and the dramatic cut in pay. The answer was a blaring NO - but how do I put the house on the market, when I can't even get a shower in? I didn't know - so I resorted to brownies. LOTS of Them! They were my comfort food. And I needed A LOT of comfort in those crazy days! =)
By the late fall of 2006 the new company was asking Eric to take a position at their corporate headquarters in San Diego. It would nearly eliminate his travel and we could be a family again. They would not raise his base salary, but made promises of bonuses and promotions if he made the move. We never thought we would leave the Northwest, especially now that we had kids and all of our family was within an hour of each other, but after much prayer and deliberation we made the leap. We had one fiasco after the other trying to sell the house - like a tree coming through the roof the weekend the For Sale sign was up! Was this a sign we weren't supposed to go through with it - or a hurry yourself up and get out of here warning?!
Anyway, we ended up selling our home in Vancouver and heading down to San Diego the weekend after Daniel turned One. We were excited to be together as a family and were looking forward to enjoying the southern California weather and beaches. Three days after we signed the lease on our apartment, the mortgage industry crashed. All bonuses and promotions were halted until things 'leveled out'. Ha! That left us in an expensive area with no money and wondering if we had heard God correctly. Yes, we still felt strongly that we were to be there so we made the best of it. And God did provide. Every time we thought we couldn't make it one more day, something would come through, whether it was a tax return or a reimbursement check we were able to plug along. Bottom line was that San Diego is beautiful and we needed to just enjoy being there as a family for the time being! The area offered a lot of recreation opportunities for Emily (who is in a wheelchair) and it was SO wonderful to see her involved in sports and being able to be more independent.
Fast forward to August 2007 (are you keeping up with me?). 1st day of Kindergarten, I am dropping Emily off - nervously- at public school, taking the 1st day pictures, and I get a phone call from Eric. His company just shut down the entire retail division. 1600 laid off. Eric one of them. OK God. Now what. Emily just started school. We are at a church we love. We are already broke. Our family is 2 states away. What else do you want from us? More trust. More faith. OK. Eric and I still felt we were being told to stay put. Eric put his full time energy into searching for a new job - obviously - and although he was open to positions outside of the area, his main focus was San Diego. He had many interviews -feeling really good about so many and yet nothing was coming through. It was easy for us to say 'the right one just hasn't come yet' and quite another thing to try and not FREAK OUT about our situation. But it was good for Eric to spend some one on one time with Daniel - especially since he had basically missed 8 months of his life and I'm sure there were other pluses, I just can't recall them at the moment =)
Finally, in October, an offer came in to work in the IT department of the same company that laid him off. Are you crazy??? Why would he go back there? But the reality of the fact that unemployment was only enough to cover our rent and we were emptying any account/resource we had to pay cobra (health insurance) and taking change from the kids piggy banks to buy milk...let's just say that desperate times call for desperate measures! Now, I want to be certain to let you know that our parents were helping us out as well, but we never let them know exactly how dire our circumstances were. Mostly a Pride issue (something I think has been a theme in this journey because any remainder of it is currently being beaten out of us!)but also if they really knew how bad it was they probably would have flown down and taken the kids back with them! And given us lectures at length about why we needed to high tail it back home. But that is NOT what we were supposed to be doing, so we endured and trusted -most of the time =)
Eric took the IT position with their full understanding that there was an offer from another company he was still holding out for and that if it came through, he would be out of there. They told him that it didn't matter how long he was there, they wanted him back. Praise God! They started him right away so we would have health insurance through the company Nov 1st. That alone was worth the risk - even though I was still having my reservations. He started back to work on Thursday, October 17th. In the wee hours of Monday, October 21st we fled our home amidst the flames of the San Diego 'Wild' Fires.
Check in for Part 2 later!
Setting the Stage
February 2006 Daniel was born - he was a sweet, cranky baby. He was c-section and they could hear him screaming long before he was removed. All the nurses on the maternity ward knew when it was Daniel - you could hear him down the hall - and don't think it got any better when we headed home. He cried and screamed nearly 24 hrs a day, only slept very short periods of time and had big issues eating. Earlier that year Eric had taken a new position with the mortgage company he had started working for in 2002. With the new position he could work from home some of the time when he was not traveling. They didn't require a lot of travel and we were thrilled with the new arrangement. A few months later the company was 'acquired'. It was a summer of the unknown. Whether or not he would keep his job as they sorted out who would be merged into the new company and what exactly that would look like. One of the biggest upsets was the cut in pay - the new company did offer him a position, but at HALF the salary he was making before - ouch! At the time Eric felt it best to ride out the pains of the merger to be triumphant on the other side. Ultimately a good decision as we look back over the last two years, but certainly not an easy road. He was able to keep his seniority and a few other things that made it worth it for him to stay there and see what happened. The biggest change was that this company had him on the road EVERY week! SO here I was with a 4 year old little girl (I will blog about sweet Emily later) and a screaming infant and a husband who was lucky to be home for 48 hours on the weekend - often less than that. This went on for months while we tried to figure out if we could afford to stay in our house with the extra expenses of baby 2 and the dramatic cut in pay. The answer was a blaring NO - but how do I put the house on the market, when I can't even get a shower in? I didn't know - so I resorted to brownies. LOTS of Them! They were my comfort food. And I needed A LOT of comfort in those crazy days! =)
By the late fall of 2006 the new company was asking Eric to take a position at their corporate headquarters in San Diego. It would nearly eliminate his travel and we could be a family again. They would not raise his base salary, but made promises of bonuses and promotions if he made the move. We never thought we would leave the Northwest, especially now that we had kids and all of our family was within an hour of each other, but after much prayer and deliberation we made the leap. We had one fiasco after the other trying to sell the house - like a tree coming through the roof the weekend the For Sale sign was up! Was this a sign we weren't supposed to go through with it - or a hurry yourself up and get out of here warning?!
Anyway, we ended up selling our home in Vancouver and heading down to San Diego the weekend after Daniel turned One. We were excited to be together as a family and were looking forward to enjoying the southern California weather and beaches. Three days after we signed the lease on our apartment, the mortgage industry crashed. All bonuses and promotions were halted until things 'leveled out'. Ha! That left us in an expensive area with no money and wondering if we had heard God correctly. Yes, we still felt strongly that we were to be there so we made the best of it. And God did provide. Every time we thought we couldn't make it one more day, something would come through, whether it was a tax return or a reimbursement check we were able to plug along. Bottom line was that San Diego is beautiful and we needed to just enjoy being there as a family for the time being! The area offered a lot of recreation opportunities for Emily (who is in a wheelchair) and it was SO wonderful to see her involved in sports and being able to be more independent.
Fast forward to August 2007 (are you keeping up with me?). 1st day of Kindergarten, I am dropping Emily off - nervously- at public school, taking the 1st day pictures, and I get a phone call from Eric. His company just shut down the entire retail division. 1600 laid off. Eric one of them. OK God. Now what. Emily just started school. We are at a church we love. We are already broke. Our family is 2 states away. What else do you want from us? More trust. More faith. OK. Eric and I still felt we were being told to stay put. Eric put his full time energy into searching for a new job - obviously - and although he was open to positions outside of the area, his main focus was San Diego. He had many interviews -feeling really good about so many and yet nothing was coming through. It was easy for us to say 'the right one just hasn't come yet' and quite another thing to try and not FREAK OUT about our situation. But it was good for Eric to spend some one on one time with Daniel - especially since he had basically missed 8 months of his life and I'm sure there were other pluses, I just can't recall them at the moment =)
Finally, in October, an offer came in to work in the IT department of the same company that laid him off. Are you crazy??? Why would he go back there? But the reality of the fact that unemployment was only enough to cover our rent and we were emptying any account/resource we had to pay cobra (health insurance) and taking change from the kids piggy banks to buy milk...let's just say that desperate times call for desperate measures! Now, I want to be certain to let you know that our parents were helping us out as well, but we never let them know exactly how dire our circumstances were. Mostly a Pride issue (something I think has been a theme in this journey because any remainder of it is currently being beaten out of us!)but also if they really knew how bad it was they probably would have flown down and taken the kids back with them! And given us lectures at length about why we needed to high tail it back home. But that is NOT what we were supposed to be doing, so we endured and trusted -most of the time =)
Eric took the IT position with their full understanding that there was an offer from another company he was still holding out for and that if it came through, he would be out of there. They told him that it didn't matter how long he was there, they wanted him back. Praise God! They started him right away so we would have health insurance through the company Nov 1st. That alone was worth the risk - even though I was still having my reservations. He started back to work on Thursday, October 17th. In the wee hours of Monday, October 21st we fled our home amidst the flames of the San Diego 'Wild' Fires.
Check in for Part 2 later!
Monday, November 10, 2008
Out of Practice
Today is the first day I have been alone with Daniel for any length of time and I am tired! Pain wise I am doing fine - I don't need to pick him up and he has been such a good kid. I'm just used to being able to rest anytime I want to! =) It is nice to feel a little more independent, but that is a little intimidating at the same time!
It is a cool, windy, rainy day here and I love it! Reminds me of 'home'.
A friend of mine helped me pick EM up from school today. Eric has tomorrow off, so that works perfectly. Grandma Jody and Grandpa Dennis will be back Wednesday and that will take care of the rest of the week - perfect!
It is a cool, windy, rainy day here and I love it! Reminds me of 'home'.
A friend of mine helped me pick EM up from school today. Eric has tomorrow off, so that works perfectly. Grandma Jody and Grandpa Dennis will be back Wednesday and that will take care of the rest of the week - perfect!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Headed Home
We have had - overall- a good week. A couple of really long days at the hospital and a couple of days to play as a family. I am exhausted!! We are packing up and getting ready to head back to Dallas. We need to swing by the hospital one more time and pick up my stack of prescriptions. The short summary is that I will be starting a chemotherapy specific to adrenal cancer (actually the only option currently available) called Mitotane. Because it attacks both the unhealthy adrenal cells and the healthy adrenal cells, I will also need to be on steroids to counteract the damage to the adrenal gland I do have. I will have blood work done monthly to monitor different levels in my system and will be returning to Houston in February for another series of CT Scans and to follow up with the doctor again.
The primary side effects are fatigue, nausea, and general GI upset. There is a long list of yucky things that are possible - my specific concern lies in the neurological issues that may arise - that would be a specific prayer request - that I can avoid those problems! (Eric's blog has more medical detail if you want to check it out - emsdaddy.blogspot.com)
My pain from surgery is SO much better. I am getting around fairly well also. It will still be a couple of weeks before I can be caring for the kids on my own, but it is encouraging to see how much progress I have made in the last week!
Thank you again to all of you who have been praying for us, who gave support in our trip down here (Marriott points and donations), treats for the kids and us, and help with our medical expenses. All of it it SO appreciated and an amazing blessing. It has reduced our stress in this situation beyond anything measurable. THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Triann
The primary side effects are fatigue, nausea, and general GI upset. There is a long list of yucky things that are possible - my specific concern lies in the neurological issues that may arise - that would be a specific prayer request - that I can avoid those problems! (Eric's blog has more medical detail if you want to check it out - emsdaddy.blogspot.com)
My pain from surgery is SO much better. I am getting around fairly well also. It will still be a couple of weeks before I can be caring for the kids on my own, but it is encouraging to see how much progress I have made in the last week!
Thank you again to all of you who have been praying for us, who gave support in our trip down here (Marriott points and donations), treats for the kids and us, and help with our medical expenses. All of it it SO appreciated and an amazing blessing. It has reduced our stress in this situation beyond anything measurable. THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Triann
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Well, now I know.
Sometimes in life we have concerns and fears that are unreasonable, other times they are completely valid. Yesterday one of my great concerns was validated. Probably, in the scheme of things, it's not that big of deal, but I would like to avoid that kind of experience if at all possible. Lucky for me I have a chance to repeat it Wednesday!
When I went in to deliver Emily via c-section (almost 7 years ago) part of the surgery prep was to swab me down with Iodine. I had informed them that my Dad is horribly allergic to Iodine (as in anaphylactic shock) and that I had concerns. But they chose to go with the Iodine anyway. After having a large portion of my body covered in blistering hives, I can now state that I am truly allergic to Iodine. Thus far, I haven't had to compromise on the Iodine issue. I simply state that we will not go there. Yesterday that all changed. The doctor convinced me that IV Iodine and topical Iodine are not the same thing and that he would REALLY like me to try for the CT contrast. The big deal is that they need to know if there are any other 'hot spots' of cancer cells and the CT with contrast is the best way to check. Being very motivated to have as much information as possible so we can beat this thing, I said OK. They gave me a little bit of Benedryl in my IV prior to the test to guard against a reaction - ha! It is fortunate that they took that precaution, but it did not allow me to go through the procedure unscathed. When they started my contrast my throat immediately tightened. I was trying to stay calm, reassuring myself that, yes, I could still breathe. And swallow - kind of. When they came to check on me I alerted them to the fact that not all was right and they commented on how red I appeared. When I got up from the scanning table they had me check the mirror to see if I felt I was a different color than when I came in. YES! Bright red head to toe and swallowing was getting more difficult - not easier. After 'observing' me for another 20 minutes or so and forcing insane amounts of water down my throat, they called the doctor to order more Benedryl. Finally, my throat relaxed enough that I was somewhat OK with going 'home'! We didn't get back to the hotel until after midnight - making it a more than 12 hour - relatively exciting - day. I am supposed to have another CT scan with contrast today, but we have to reschedule it for Wednesday so that I can go through 'pre-treatment' with steroids to avoid, hopefully, a similar reaction on the next scan. Yikes!
Overall yesterday was a good experience and I am glad we are down here with doctors that are informed and caring. I could do without the extra excitement though!
Since I have today 'off' now, we are going to go and enjoy the day with the kids - perhaps at the zoo. I could use a fun distraction - and some more pictures for scrapbooking!
Thank you all for your prayers.
Triann
When I went in to deliver Emily via c-section (almost 7 years ago) part of the surgery prep was to swab me down with Iodine. I had informed them that my Dad is horribly allergic to Iodine (as in anaphylactic shock) and that I had concerns. But they chose to go with the Iodine anyway. After having a large portion of my body covered in blistering hives, I can now state that I am truly allergic to Iodine. Thus far, I haven't had to compromise on the Iodine issue. I simply state that we will not go there. Yesterday that all changed. The doctor convinced me that IV Iodine and topical Iodine are not the same thing and that he would REALLY like me to try for the CT contrast. The big deal is that they need to know if there are any other 'hot spots' of cancer cells and the CT with contrast is the best way to check. Being very motivated to have as much information as possible so we can beat this thing, I said OK. They gave me a little bit of Benedryl in my IV prior to the test to guard against a reaction - ha! It is fortunate that they took that precaution, but it did not allow me to go through the procedure unscathed. When they started my contrast my throat immediately tightened. I was trying to stay calm, reassuring myself that, yes, I could still breathe. And swallow - kind of. When they came to check on me I alerted them to the fact that not all was right and they commented on how red I appeared. When I got up from the scanning table they had me check the mirror to see if I felt I was a different color than when I came in. YES! Bright red head to toe and swallowing was getting more difficult - not easier. After 'observing' me for another 20 minutes or so and forcing insane amounts of water down my throat, they called the doctor to order more Benedryl. Finally, my throat relaxed enough that I was somewhat OK with going 'home'! We didn't get back to the hotel until after midnight - making it a more than 12 hour - relatively exciting - day. I am supposed to have another CT scan with contrast today, but we have to reschedule it for Wednesday so that I can go through 'pre-treatment' with steroids to avoid, hopefully, a similar reaction on the next scan. Yikes!
Overall yesterday was a good experience and I am glad we are down here with doctors that are informed and caring. I could do without the extra excitement though!
Since I have today 'off' now, we are going to go and enjoy the day with the kids - perhaps at the zoo. I could use a fun distraction - and some more pictures for scrapbooking!
Thank you all for your prayers.
Triann
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