It was a stupid, insufficient answer to a very large and looming question.
What do you want?
Now, I have many things on my 'what do I want' list...
A Cure for Cancer!
My daughter to WALK - to be fully healed of her medical issues.
Eric's health to be restored -or at the very least to hitch a ride with Marty McFly and Doc Brown and KNOW what the problem was earlier!!
OK. Perhaps that would have been too far back, but you get my point.
To be taller.
To have different knees.
You know...the normal stuff ;)
When I began thinking of things I wanted I tried to narrow it down to realistic things.
A NEW CAR is still in the realm of possibilities on this side of heaven.
What I am most irritated about is that I couldn't condense the amount of information regarding this said 'NEW CAR' want into a quick answer. I froze. I said something stupid.
Not the first time...but it was a time I wish I had said something that sounded a little less shallow.
Let me tell you about my NEW CAR desire.
It doesn't need to be NEW.
It doesn't need to be a CAR.
In fact, it really needs NOT to be a CAR!
Quickly approaching is the time where we will be facing the purchase and delivery of a power wheelchair for Emily.
She NEEDS a power chair. Her shoulders are beginning to have wear. Pain. Problems.
There are many experiences she is missing out on because the manual chair is so limited in the surfaces it functions on.
This was a tough pill to swallow. Every time we think we are used to a situation, one more piece of equipment, one more diagnosis, one more surgery...we get something new to adjust to.
I am learning the art of joy in all circumstances.
Personally, I feel joy is best when served with brownies! =)
Back to the CAR.
It's more than a want. It's a need.
An avenue to experience adventures or seek the new in the ordinary.
A wheelchair van.
Not just any conversion van.
One with a power ramp or power lift.
And air conditioning.
One that is reliable for the millions of trips to the hospital.
Wednesday and Sundays and sometimes Thursdays to the church.
Wednesdays and Fridays to school.
Across town for play-dates with friends.
To the barn to ride Buttons, the miniature horse.
As often as we can to the Grandparents'.
Occasionally to the beach.
and perhaps...one day...it will drive us to Disneyland! =)
A vehicle that will allow for opportunities to go do things as a family we have not been able to do before. The power chairs really are a different animal than the manual!
I desire for Emily to experience life to the fullest -without being so exhausted by the wheeling that she doesn't have the energy to participate in the opportunities presented to her. Goodness! She can explore all sorts of new terrain ON HER OWN! The grass fields at the park. The horse barn. Brick sidewalks. DIRT!
I am SO excited for her!
The power chair will allow her to store up some of those reserves for when a manual chair is the more appropriate option. It's not an either/or situation.
I am now wishing I had spoken my thoughts out loud.
Leaving the wrong impression to those who may have been impressionable does not sit well with me.
I know God knows my wants. My needs.
I know He has a handle on this situation.
I am resting in the omniscience of God.
Occasionally I am a bit restless in my resting...
I'm working on that.
The more I stewed in the NEW CAR blunder, the more emotional I became.
No longer suffering due to my careless words. My mind screamed 'That's not what I WANT!'
Who WANTS a WHEELCHAIR VAN??
I WANT Emily to be physically WHOLE!
And I cried all over again.
Reliving the grief and the loss of certain hopes.
Certain dreams.
My heart twisted for how hard it is for her to want to do something she can't.
To be different.
To not always fit in despite her efforts.
To not be invited.
To be invited yet sit on the sidelines.
It's heart wrenching.
She's a smart, fun, generous, tenderhearted little girl with too many hurts and hurdles for one so young.
Emily radiates strength. Determination.
She dreams big.
She possesses the ability, intelligence, and tenacity to achieve virtually anything.
God knew the personality she would need to get through this life.
She is an inspiration to me.
A reminder that I need to get out of my pity party and start enjoying what I can do.
Fussing over my knees ain't gonna change 'em. Move on! =)
* I am looking at different avenues for acquiring an appropriate vehicle.
If you would add that to your prayer list we would appreciate it!
I know God has it all worked out, but sitting around waiting for one to drop from the sky is probably not the wisest - or safest - way to go at the moment.
Please also pray for Emily's health. She recently had surgery and is doing well. However, she will need a minimum of 3 more surgeries in the upcoming year.
Prayer is a powerful thing and we serve a mighty God.
Hugs to you all!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
I'm fighting a migraine, but just have to write some things down to share.
Many things have been difficult with moving home. I am hoping that some are temporary, but I can't begin to comprehend how God may work through those circumstances. Guess that's why I need to keep giving it all to Him.
I will say that Eric and I are finding much of what we had been missing back here at 'home'. Having lunch with my parents and my sister-in-law today was awesome. Followed by taking the kids to the park, throwing rocks in the lake, and finishing off the afternoon with a quick run through Dutch Bros. A nearly perfect day. I only wish Eric had been feeling well enough to join us.
This weekend has been great. Movie with a good friend Friday night, painting pottery and Starbucks with Em Saturday, and a fun-filled BBQ with old friends and new.
Eric has been blessed with jumping right into music.
We are enjoying being around our friends we've missed greatly in the last few years.
Friends that have had a place in our hearts and who have been such prayer warriors for us in our absence - a humbling experience. And to be meeting some wonderful new friends who have been on their knees for us when we were unaware.
Friends who are willing to say "but how are you really?"
God is Awesome
One of Eric's hopes with our return home was to start giving back in some way again. God is presenting several avenues and I find it amazing that Eric will bring something up that has been on his heart and almost immediately an opportunity will show itself. Very cool.
I still feel like a slug. I 'want' to do more, but don't 'feel' like it.
I realized Saturday when I was out with Emily that I need to quit waiting till I feel like it. I need to just do it. (thank you for reminding me my good friend - you know who you are and YOU are an amazing mom who does a multitude of things even though you don't 'feel' like it)
Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I don't feel good. Yes, I forget things, repeat myself, and sometimes perhaps should not be unattended ;) It boils down to the fact that I can't sit here and wait till I'm all put together. My kids are little and they need me to be a Mom.
A mom that plays, reads stories, and takes them to the park. A mom that will spend the afternoon at the pottery place, or making bird feeders out of pine-cones and peanut butter. The mom I want to be. It is oh-so-hard, yet oh-so-rewarding when my little ones tell me it is the best day they've ever had, or how much they are enjoying being with me. Makes it worth every ounce of energy.
My husband needs me to be a wife and friend, and I need to start socializing again for my own sanity. Fellowship is a good thing. Having friends who encourage us to get out, even out-right kidnapping us, is a glorious thing. Being around others is energizing and exhausting at the same time, but the investment has been immeasurable thus far.
I'm all over the place today.
I suppose I simply want to convey that we are doing well.
We miss those we have left around the country, but I think y'all are going to have to come here to see us ;)
Triann
Many things have been difficult with moving home. I am hoping that some are temporary, but I can't begin to comprehend how God may work through those circumstances. Guess that's why I need to keep giving it all to Him.
I will say that Eric and I are finding much of what we had been missing back here at 'home'. Having lunch with my parents and my sister-in-law today was awesome. Followed by taking the kids to the park, throwing rocks in the lake, and finishing off the afternoon with a quick run through Dutch Bros. A nearly perfect day. I only wish Eric had been feeling well enough to join us.
This weekend has been great. Movie with a good friend Friday night, painting pottery and Starbucks with Em Saturday, and a fun-filled BBQ with old friends and new.
Eric has been blessed with jumping right into music.
We are enjoying being around our friends we've missed greatly in the last few years.
Friends that have had a place in our hearts and who have been such prayer warriors for us in our absence - a humbling experience. And to be meeting some wonderful new friends who have been on their knees for us when we were unaware.
Friends who are willing to say "but how are you really?"
God is Awesome
One of Eric's hopes with our return home was to start giving back in some way again. God is presenting several avenues and I find it amazing that Eric will bring something up that has been on his heart and almost immediately an opportunity will show itself. Very cool.
I still feel like a slug. I 'want' to do more, but don't 'feel' like it.
I realized Saturday when I was out with Emily that I need to quit waiting till I feel like it. I need to just do it. (thank you for reminding me my good friend - you know who you are and YOU are an amazing mom who does a multitude of things even though you don't 'feel' like it)
Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I don't feel good. Yes, I forget things, repeat myself, and sometimes perhaps should not be unattended ;) It boils down to the fact that I can't sit here and wait till I'm all put together. My kids are little and they need me to be a Mom.
A mom that plays, reads stories, and takes them to the park. A mom that will spend the afternoon at the pottery place, or making bird feeders out of pine-cones and peanut butter. The mom I want to be. It is oh-so-hard, yet oh-so-rewarding when my little ones tell me it is the best day they've ever had, or how much they are enjoying being with me. Makes it worth every ounce of energy.
My husband needs me to be a wife and friend, and I need to start socializing again for my own sanity. Fellowship is a good thing. Having friends who encourage us to get out, even out-right kidnapping us, is a glorious thing. Being around others is energizing and exhausting at the same time, but the investment has been immeasurable thus far.
I'm all over the place today.
I suppose I simply want to convey that we are doing well.
We miss those we have left around the country, but I think y'all are going to have to come here to see us ;)
Triann
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Being Four...
"Only those who will risk going too far
can possibly find out how far they can go."
T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
American-English poet and playwright
I had a switch flip the other day.
A monumental realization, actually.
It changed my life.
And I know it will change Daniel's as well.
My youngest is a FIREBALL!
Full of energy.
Most of the time sweet, yet often full of vinegar.
His curiosity is insatiable.
He has nearly no fear - it could have read NO FEAR up until recently.
He lives life with excitement and joy.
He loves a challenge - not in the obstacle sense, but in the 'I wonder' sense of the word.
Jumping, running FAST, charging through every event that presents itself.
He is super smart.
I am NOT the only one who feels this way - completely objective people have also made this observation.
Yes, I'm a proud mama, but in all honesty, he is truly bright.
God has flooded my mind with what is best for Daniel, as tired as I may be.
Let's fast forward 20 years.
A polite young man, a FIREBALL!
Full of energy, most of the time sweet and occasionally full of vinegar.
His curiosity is insatiable.
He has nearly no fear - now coupled with common sense.
He lives life with excitement and joy.
He loves a challenge - in the obstacle sense and in the 'I wonder' sense of the word.
Jumping, running FAST, charging through every event that presents itself.
He is super smart, educated.
All for God.
ALL FOR GOD.
>insert shedding of tears<
Did I mention I can be more emotional nowadays?
God: "it's not about you, Triann"
Hmmm...I've heard God say that to me before.
Several years ago - in regards to Emily.
I had a running, 'what am I supposed to learn from this?'
'Who am I supposed to be teaching about this?'
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!
Seriously.
An ugly, self-centered view of life.
And yet, God revealed this same truth to me about Daniel.
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!
It is about me
only in the context of God blessing me with two very unique, amazing children.
He has a special plan for my kiddos.
They are in my earthly care.
A huge responsibility.
But GOD has their hearts.
They will be amazing adults.
I can clearly see Daniel as an incredible Youth Pastor, or Missionary (even though that makes me want to start biting my nails), or perhaps in a mainstream job that allows him to have the full-of-life impact on so many who wander in darkness.
God intends to use Daniel's reckless abandon for His glory.
That makes me smile.
It makes me more tolerant(this is a work in progress), more willing to re-direct rather than punish, more excited about diverting those attributes into positive avenues in lieu of simply expecting them to diminish over time.
I need to celebrate the wonderful, creative, adventure-filled being that Daniel is.
Whether he is four or twenty-four, he is Child of God and HE has plans for him...I am so thankful for the opportunity to watch him grow into that young man.
For now, I will enjoy watching the energy I only wish I had.
Experience the curiosity through the eyes of a four year old.
And listen to my husband when he says, "don't look!" as Daniel proceeds to do something heart-stopping.
What about the little ones in your life can you choose to cherish, rather than try and change?
can possibly find out how far they can go."
T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
American-English poet and playwright
I had a switch flip the other day.
A monumental realization, actually.
It changed my life.
And I know it will change Daniel's as well.
My youngest is a FIREBALL!
Full of energy.
Most of the time sweet, yet often full of vinegar.
His curiosity is insatiable.
He has nearly no fear - it could have read NO FEAR up until recently.
He lives life with excitement and joy.
He loves a challenge - not in the obstacle sense, but in the 'I wonder' sense of the word.
Jumping, running FAST, charging through every event that presents itself.
He is super smart.
I am NOT the only one who feels this way - completely objective people have also made this observation.
Yes, I'm a proud mama, but in all honesty, he is truly bright.
God has flooded my mind with what is best for Daniel, as tired as I may be.
Let's fast forward 20 years.
A polite young man, a FIREBALL!
Full of energy, most of the time sweet and occasionally full of vinegar.
His curiosity is insatiable.
He has nearly no fear - now coupled with common sense.
He lives life with excitement and joy.
He loves a challenge - in the obstacle sense and in the 'I wonder' sense of the word.
Jumping, running FAST, charging through every event that presents itself.
He is super smart, educated.
All for God.
ALL FOR GOD.
>insert shedding of tears<
Did I mention I can be more emotional nowadays?
God: "it's not about you, Triann"
Hmmm...I've heard God say that to me before.
Several years ago - in regards to Emily.
I had a running, 'what am I supposed to learn from this?'
'Who am I supposed to be teaching about this?'
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!
Seriously.
An ugly, self-centered view of life.
And yet, God revealed this same truth to me about Daniel.
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!
It is about me
only in the context of God blessing me with two very unique, amazing children.
He has a special plan for my kiddos.
They are in my earthly care.
A huge responsibility.
But GOD has their hearts.
They will be amazing adults.
I can clearly see Daniel as an incredible Youth Pastor, or Missionary (even though that makes me want to start biting my nails), or perhaps in a mainstream job that allows him to have the full-of-life impact on so many who wander in darkness.
God intends to use Daniel's reckless abandon for His glory.
That makes me smile.
It makes me more tolerant(this is a work in progress), more willing to re-direct rather than punish, more excited about diverting those attributes into positive avenues in lieu of simply expecting them to diminish over time.
I need to celebrate the wonderful, creative, adventure-filled being that Daniel is.
Whether he is four or twenty-four, he is Child of God and HE has plans for him...I am so thankful for the opportunity to watch him grow into that young man.
For now, I will enjoy watching the energy I only wish I had.
Experience the curiosity through the eyes of a four year old.
And listen to my husband when he says, "don't look!" as Daniel proceeds to do something heart-stopping.
What about the little ones in your life can you choose to cherish, rather than try and change?
Monday, March 29, 2010
Goodness!
OK. I have TOTALLY neglected my blog since switching over to CaringBridge...not my intent.
Things have been a LITTLE crazier than 'normal' here.
How is that possible?
If you have NOT been to my Caring Bridge site - it was CLEAR SCANS!! in February.
The events that have transpired since then include a job change for Eric, a move back 'home' to the NW, and the beginning of Homeschool for Emily. Chemo Brain and Homeschool?...still working out the kinks on that one ;)
But I have lots of support so far.
The kids are adjusting well in some areas, but having a tough go with the loss of routine and their own space.
Prayers as we try to get situated.
I will check back in sooner than later.
Triann
Things have been a LITTLE crazier than 'normal' here.
How is that possible?
If you have NOT been to my Caring Bridge site - it was CLEAR SCANS!! in February.
The events that have transpired since then include a job change for Eric, a move back 'home' to the NW, and the beginning of Homeschool for Emily. Chemo Brain and Homeschool?...still working out the kinks on that one ;)
But I have lots of support so far.
The kids are adjusting well in some areas, but having a tough go with the loss of routine and their own space.
Prayers as we try to get situated.
I will check back in sooner than later.
Triann
Friday, January 8, 2010
Happy Happy New Year
So HAPPY to be alive in 2010!
And thankful. And blessed =)
Best Christmas present of 2009?
Being 'home' with family. Another of my favorites were the blown glass ornaments that the kiddos made for me and Eric. Great idea Grandma and Grandpa Rose! I would post pics, but they are safe and sound at Mom and Dad's for the time being.
At some point I will post a picture of our awesome Hawaiian snowman- Daniel's idea for it to be Hawaiian (I'm certain that kid's gonna live there someday - it comes up a lot. He packs a bag and tells me he headed there to check on his houses that are being painted, etc. Yes, plural! I hope that means there is one for me too ;)
Em then suggested the hula skirt!
Too ironic - and hilarious!
Last year a friend of mine shared that her resolution for 2009 was to buy more jewelry for herself. I LOVED that idea - something very pampering and positive - compared to the 'I need to lose X', or 'organize Y'. I really didn't need to put pressure on myself with things like that, so I originally thought that my resolution was going to be to purchase myself a new pair of shoes every month. I am incredibly shoe-deficient...especially after our stint in San Diego.
Texas weather does require more than flip-flops.
Today being a prime example, as our low is supposed to be ZERO degrees with the windchill. UGH!
After much consideration I decided 'shoes' was simply too limiting, and while I do intend to purchase several pairs of shoes his year, I have broadened my resolution to purchasing something for myself every month.
Coffee at Starbucks doesn't count =)
This may seem strange to some, but I have an amazingly difficult time spending money on myself - heck, I cringe when I have to go grocery shopping! So this is a really big deal.
My angst is totally self-imposed. OK, perhaps some is residual from my childhood and having to search the town for toilet paper that was less than 25 cents a roll, even if we were completely out...love ya Dad! =)
Perhaps I'll share my 'me-gifts' here as an accountability...Hmmm. Will have to ponder that.
I am up in the middle of the night writing. I made dinner tonight and it absolutely wore me out! I missed my morning dose of chemo, hence the 'energy' to prepare dinner, but once I spent time in the kitchen and caught up on my meds I was nearing exhaustion!
I headed to bed around 7pm...Daniel woke up around 2am and here I am. Perhaps this is what it takes to post on my blog these days.
Hope to post again soon. I have several rough drafts I'm fussing with...
To bed again I go...my alarm is set to go off in an hour! Yikes! Wish me luck on a nap =)
Triann
And thankful. And blessed =)
Best Christmas present of 2009?
Being 'home' with family. Another of my favorites were the blown glass ornaments that the kiddos made for me and Eric. Great idea Grandma and Grandpa Rose! I would post pics, but they are safe and sound at Mom and Dad's for the time being.
At some point I will post a picture of our awesome Hawaiian snowman- Daniel's idea for it to be Hawaiian (I'm certain that kid's gonna live there someday - it comes up a lot. He packs a bag and tells me he headed there to check on his houses that are being painted, etc. Yes, plural! I hope that means there is one for me too ;)
Em then suggested the hula skirt!
Too ironic - and hilarious!
Last year a friend of mine shared that her resolution for 2009 was to buy more jewelry for herself. I LOVED that idea - something very pampering and positive - compared to the 'I need to lose X', or 'organize Y'. I really didn't need to put pressure on myself with things like that, so I originally thought that my resolution was going to be to purchase myself a new pair of shoes every month. I am incredibly shoe-deficient...especially after our stint in San Diego.
Texas weather does require more than flip-flops.
Today being a prime example, as our low is supposed to be ZERO degrees with the windchill. UGH!
After much consideration I decided 'shoes' was simply too limiting, and while I do intend to purchase several pairs of shoes his year, I have broadened my resolution to purchasing something for myself every month.
Coffee at Starbucks doesn't count =)
This may seem strange to some, but I have an amazingly difficult time spending money on myself - heck, I cringe when I have to go grocery shopping! So this is a really big deal.
My angst is totally self-imposed. OK, perhaps some is residual from my childhood and having to search the town for toilet paper that was less than 25 cents a roll, even if we were completely out...love ya Dad! =)
Perhaps I'll share my 'me-gifts' here as an accountability...Hmmm. Will have to ponder that.
I am up in the middle of the night writing. I made dinner tonight and it absolutely wore me out! I missed my morning dose of chemo, hence the 'energy' to prepare dinner, but once I spent time in the kitchen and caught up on my meds I was nearing exhaustion!
I headed to bed around 7pm...Daniel woke up around 2am and here I am. Perhaps this is what it takes to post on my blog these days.
Hope to post again soon. I have several rough drafts I'm fussing with...
To bed again I go...my alarm is set to go off in an hour! Yikes! Wish me luck on a nap =)
Triann
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