Insert Catchy Title Here

Anniversaries....

2011-10-01T21:54:00.000-07:00

Recently I celebrated two anniversaries.
I am pleased to announce Eric and I have been married 16 years!!!
I love him dearly and am so blessed to have such an incredible husband.
Such a feat is either a lesson in miracles or sheer stubbornness, or perhaps a combination of the two.
I love to read and research. Unfortunately, much of the research I come across nowadays includes a section on divorce rate statistics for varying situations. Illness, moves, job loss, natural disasters, having a child with a disability, a spouse with cancer (especially if it is the wife who is sick), and the list goes on.
Basically there has been a 273% chance that we should have gotten a divorce. On the surface, that's not a pretty number.
However, it makes the victories in our marriage that much sweeter.
The other 'anniversary' is that of my cancer diagnosis. I spent our 13th wedding anniversary in the emergency room. Hearing that I had a large mass in my abdomen was not what I had hoped for that year, but what a tremendous gift that was. A gift of early detection. A gift of amazing Christian surgeons. A gift of having recently moved to the exact state with the exact specialty cancer hospital I needed. A gift of a shift in priorities. A gift of a new life really.
Praising the Lord for His amazing grace and mercy and His love and attention to each one of us.
Extremely humbling. Tremendously sobering.
I love my life! I'm so thankful for my anniversaries!
What are you thankful for today?

The Fog is lifting, but visibility is still questionable

2011-06-10T03:10:00.000-07:00

Rapidly approaching is the much anticipated one year mark of being released from my daily chemo regiment. Essentially I was choosing to take poison - removed from the pesticide market due to it's ill effects on humans, now repackaged as an alternative to death and marked up 5000%.
Perfect.
It'll keep me here with my husband and children? Let's head to the pharmacy. And step on it!

Symptoms of taking such a fabulous drug were extensive. However, dealing with confusion, memory loss, nausea, vomiting, and a host of other unpleasant side effects I'll spare you from, far outweighed being dead.
(yes, heaven will be amazing, but every mom wants a chance to raise her precious babies!)

We were informed that the chemo tended to have lingering effects, remaining in my system for quite some time after ingesting my last dose. Perhaps a year, maybe more.
I've never received a clear answer - that I can recall - as to whether or not the brain damage could be permanent and have remained hopeful...most likely a drug-induced, fuzzy hope of regaining all my faculties.

Recently I have experienced a tremendous amount of false confidence, resulting in narrowly escaping an emergency room visit on more than one occasion.

These events of late, along with episodes of 'what day is it?' 'how do you spell that common word?' 'what's my birth date?' occasionally send a panic through me that I may never be 'the same' again.
My family views my not being 'the same' largely as a blessing. I have learned to let things go that may have dragged me down in the past. I think I now have the ability to be a 'fun' mom because I am not capable of thinking through all the repercussions until they materialize...after the fact. I can read the same book twice and still be surprised at how it ends. This is a money saver!
It's much harder to hold a grudge when you can't remember the conversation.
I am certain each of them could add to my list.

I refuse to go into detail regarding what may go down in family history as 'The Handstand Incident of 2011', but let's just say I didn't realize how old I was nor how long it had been since performing such a stunt, but I really did leave a lasting impression on my children.
And Eric for that matter.
Thankfully no one died. Namely me.
Nor was there any damage to property.
Or picture to prove it ever happened.
End of story.

It did, however, raise the question regarding the All-American saying -'it's just like riding a bike'.
Implying that said activity is 'a piece of cake'. EASY! Anyone can do it!
I can do it!
Eric has since mandated that I am not allowed to attempt riding a bicycle either.
Yes, even if I am wearing a helmet.
Refer back to my wanting to be here to raise my precious babies.
You would think I could connect the dots.
Even though I may remember the aforementioned 'Handstand Incident of 2011', I was incapable of correlating potential ill effects from other activities I deemed easy in my youth.
My youth - as in the the 70's and 80's.
Heck! Even the early 90's!
Yikes!
As I age I don't realize that there are now things that I have not done in decades.
DEC-ADES! Oh my goodness.

Periodically I require as much supervision as my children for my own safety. Unfortunately, one cannot begin to see into the future and pinpoint which outing may be undeniably unsafe. So on a warm June evening I set out to the playground with my two pumpkin-heads, Emily and Daniel.
The mission?
Let Daniel run off some energy at the playground, while Emily and I enjoy the warm day and play quiet games, such as tic-tac-toe and hangman at the picnic table. All in hopes that the fresh air and running around will lead to an efficient, pleasant bedtime routine.
We live in an apartment complex and typically there are other children on the playground for Daniel to interact with.
Any idea where this is headed??

After giving him an 'obstacle course' to run while I timed him, secret playground missions to go on, and several rounds of the ever-popular mom trick of 'OOH! Let me see that AGAIN! It was SO cool!', I was forced into interacting - for a few moments - with a healthy, active, five-year-old boy.
Oh dear.
At first he was the commander - he's been General Washington for the last several weeks and I'm starting to have nightmares that 'The Red Coats are Coming!'.
Alas! Here was my chance to fight for our freedom!
Before we could begin, I received detailed instruction on how to hold my imaginary rifle.
This was a painfully longer lesson that I had thought possible as he was very specific and I failed - repeatedly - to hold it correctly. He insisted it be held properly before we could engage in battle.
Later in life his desire to teach someone the proper and correct way to complete a task will definitely be in his favor and his students, employees, children, etc. will greatly benefit.
For now, his mommy just wants to be done playing soldier on the playground for all to see.
I still had a teensy bit a pride left.
If I had known what was to follow, I could have skipped the desire to clutch that last bit of pride so tightly, for it was to be yanked from me in just a few short moments.

After several painstaking lessons on how to properly handle my imaginary rifle, I was allowed onto the battlefield with said five-year-old. We outsmarted the enemy for quite some time and had a very successful victory over the British with no casualties.
Excellent.

I headed back to the safety of games to be played on paper with Emily.

Daniel's thirst for a playmate had not been quenched by just one battle.
Bummer.
As soon as I was seated the pleas resumed and as the requests wafted over the wood-chip covered playground for someone to play with the poor, lonely little boy with the incredible imagination, I pondered what my next adventure may entail.
I had already determined I did not want to experience failing another rifle holding lesson. Now what?
And then...I had a brilliant idea!
I challenged Daniel (the healthy, energetic General) to a race across the monkey bars.
The monkey bars are easy.
Let's go!

We climb to the platform.
We place our hands on the bars.
I shout 'ready? set! GO!
We launch ourselves off the platform.
Daniel races across the monkey bars to the other side.

I.
Well.
There wasn't much of a race to be had for me.
You see, as soon as I let my body drop from the platform, my arms were ripped from their sockets.
I was incapable of releasing my grip from the first bar as all nerves were now disconnected and no longer sending messages to my brain.

I hung there.
For a bit.
Not certain of my next move.
Perhaps I was in shock.
This was not good, for Daniel still thinks the emergency # for help is 9-9-1 and as much as I drill Emily, she does not know where we live.

This is where I determined that yes, I do still have chemo brain.
I also need to wear a slip of paper pinned to my shirt with my name and address and emergency contact information written on it in bold sharpie.

'Release! Release!' my fiery shoulders audibly scream to my now numb hands.
And down to the ground I drop.

Even without Emily's proclamation of Daniel as the winner, I did realize that, clearly, my monkey bar racing days were over.
Perhaps they've been over for many moons longer than I could have guesstimated.
Also over were any days that may require the use of my arms.

A NEW CAR

2010-11-18T20:44:00.000-08:00

It was a stupid, insufficient answer to a very large and looming question.
What do you want?

Now, I have many things on my 'what do I want' list...
A Cure for Cancer!
My daughter to WALK - to be fully healed of her medical issues.
Eric's health to be restored -or at the very least to hitch a ride with Marty McFly and Doc Brown and KNOW what the problem was earlier!!
OK. Perhaps that would have been too far back, but you get my point.
To be taller.
To have different knees.
You know...the normal stuff ;)

When I began thinking of things I wanted I tried to narrow it down to realistic things.
A NEW CAR is still in the realm of possibilities on this side of heaven.

What I am most irritated about is that I couldn't condense the amount of information regarding this said 'NEW CAR' want into a quick answer. I froze. I said something stupid.
Not the first time...but it was a time I wish I had said something that sounded a little less shallow.

Let me tell you about my NEW CAR desire.

It doesn't need to be NEW.
It doesn't need to be a CAR.
In fact, it really needs NOT to be a CAR!

Quickly approaching is the time where we will be facing the purchase and delivery of a power wheelchair for Emily.
She NEEDS a power chair. Her shoulders are beginning to have wear. Pain. Problems.
There are many experiences she is missing out on because the manual chair is so limited in the surfaces it functions on.

This was a tough pill to swallow. Every time we think we are used to a situation, one more piece of equipment, one more diagnosis, one more surgery...we get something new to adjust to.

I am learning the art of joy in all circumstances.
Personally, I feel joy is best when served with brownies! =)

Back to the CAR.

It's more than a want. It's a need.
An avenue to experience adventures or seek the new in the ordinary.
A wheelchair van.
Not just any conversion van.
One with a power ramp or power lift.
And air conditioning.
One that is reliable for the millions of trips to the hospital.
Wednesday and Sundays and sometimes Thursdays to the church.
Wednesdays and Fridays to school.
Across town for play-dates with friends.
To the barn to ride Buttons, the miniature horse.
As often as we can to the Grandparents'.
Occasionally to the beach.
and perhaps...one day...it will drive us to Disneyland! =)
A vehicle that will allow for opportunities to go do things as a family we have not been able to do before. The power chairs really are a different animal than the manual!
I desire for Emily to experience life to the fullest -without being so exhausted by the wheeling that she doesn't have the energy to participate in the opportunities presented to her. Goodness! She can explore all sorts of new terrain ON HER OWN! The grass fields at the park. The horse barn. Brick sidewalks. DIRT!
I am SO excited for her!
The power chair will allow her to store up some of those reserves for when a manual chair is the more appropriate option. It's not an either/or situation.

I am now wishing I had spoken my thoughts out loud.
Leaving the wrong impression to those who may have been impressionable does not sit well with me.

I know God knows my wants. My needs.
I know He has a handle on this situation.
I am resting in the omniscience of God.
Occasionally I am a bit restless in my resting...
I'm working on that.

The more I stewed in the NEW CAR blunder, the more emotional I became.
No longer suffering due to my careless words. My mind screamed 'That's not what I WANT!'
Who WANTS a WHEELCHAIR VAN??

I WANT Emily to be physically WHOLE!

And I cried all over again.
Reliving the grief and the loss of certain hopes.
Certain dreams.
My heart twisted for how hard it is for her to want to do something she can't.
To be different.
To not always fit in despite her efforts.
To not be invited.
To be invited yet sit on the sidelines.
It's heart wrenching.
She's a smart, fun, generous, tenderhearted little girl with too many hurts and hurdles for one so young.

Emily radiates strength. Determination.
She dreams big.
She possesses the ability, intelligence, and tenacity to achieve virtually anything.

God knew the personality she would need to get through this life.
She is an inspiration to me.
A reminder that I need to get out of my pity party and start enjoying what I can do.
Fussing over my knees ain't gonna change 'em. Move on! =)

* I am looking at different avenues for acquiring an appropriate vehicle.
If you would add that to your prayer list we would appreciate it!
I know God has it all worked out, but sitting around waiting for one to drop from the sky is probably not the wisest - or safest - way to go at the moment.
Please also pray for Emily's health. She recently had surgery and is doing well. However, she will need a minimum of 3 more surgeries in the upcoming year.
Prayer is a powerful thing and we serve a mighty God.
Hugs to you all!

2010-05-14T15:45:00.000-07:00

I'm fighting a migraine, but just have to write some things down to share.

Many things have been difficult with moving home. I am hoping that some are temporary, but I can't begin to comprehend how God may work through those circumstances. Guess that's why I need to keep giving it all to Him.

I will say that Eric and I are finding much of what we had been missing back here at 'home'. Having lunch with my parents and my sister-in-law today was awesome. Followed by taking the kids to the park, throwing rocks in the lake, and finishing off the afternoon with a quick run through Dutch Bros. A nearly perfect day. I only wish Eric had been feeling well enough to join us.

This weekend has been great. Movie with a good friend Friday night, painting pottery and Starbucks with Em Saturday, and a fun-filled BBQ with old friends and new.

Eric has been blessed with jumping right into music.
We are enjoying being around our friends we've missed greatly in the last few years.
Friends that have had a place in our hearts and who have been such prayer warriors for us in our absence - a humbling experience. And to be meeting some wonderful new friends who have been on their knees for us when we were unaware.
Friends who are willing to say "but how are you really?"
God is Awesome

One of Eric's hopes with our return home was to start giving back in some way again. God is presenting several avenues and I find it amazing that Eric will bring something up that has been on his heart and almost immediately an opportunity will show itself. Very cool.

I still feel like a slug. I 'want' to do more, but don't 'feel' like it.
I realized Saturday when I was out with Emily that I need to quit waiting till I feel like it. I need to just do it. (thank you for reminding me my good friend - you know who you are and YOU are an amazing mom who does a multitude of things even though you don't 'feel' like it)

Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I don't feel good. Yes, I forget things, repeat myself, and sometimes perhaps should not be unattended ;) It boils down to the fact that I can't sit here and wait till I'm all put together. My kids are little and they need me to be a Mom.
A mom that plays, reads stories, and takes them to the park. A mom that will spend the afternoon at the pottery place, or making bird feeders out of pine-cones and peanut butter. The mom I want to be. It is oh-so-hard, yet oh-so-rewarding when my little ones tell me it is the best day they've ever had, or how much they are enjoying being with me. Makes it worth every ounce of energy.

My husband needs me to be a wife and friend, and I need to start socializing again for my own sanity. Fellowship is a good thing. Having friends who encourage us to get out, even out-right kidnapping us, is a glorious thing. Being around others is energizing and exhausting at the same time, but the investment has been immeasurable thus far.

I'm all over the place today.
I suppose I simply want to convey that we are doing well.

We miss those we have left around the country, but I think y'all are going to have to come here to see us ;)

Triann

Being Four...

2010-04-27T16:32:00.001-07:00

"Only those who will risk going too far
can possibly find out how far they can go."
T. S. Eliot (1888-1965)
American-English poet and playwright

I had a switch flip the other day.
A monumental realization, actually.
It changed my life.
And I know it will change Daniel's as well.

My youngest is a FIREBALL!
Full of energy.
Most of the time sweet, yet often full of vinegar.
His curiosity is insatiable.
He has nearly no fear - it could have read NO FEAR up until recently.
He lives life with excitement and joy.
He loves a challenge - not in the obstacle sense, but in the 'I wonder' sense of the word.
Jumping, running FAST, charging through every event that presents itself.
He is super smart.
I am NOT the only one who feels this way - completely objective people have also made this observation.
Yes, I'm a proud mama, but in all honesty, he is truly bright.

God has flooded my mind with what is best for Daniel, as tired as I may be.

Let's fast forward 20 years.
A polite young man, a FIREBALL!
Full of energy, most of the time sweet and occasionally full of vinegar.
His curiosity is insatiable.
He has nearly no fear - now coupled with common sense.
He lives life with excitement and joy.
He loves a challenge - in the obstacle sense and in the 'I wonder' sense of the word.
Jumping, running FAST, charging through every event that presents itself.
He is super smart, educated.
All for God.

ALL FOR GOD.

>insert shedding of tears<
Did I mention I can be more emotional nowadays?

God: "it's not about you, Triann"
Hmmm...I've heard God say that to me before.
Several years ago - in regards to Emily.
I had a running, 'what am I supposed to learn from this?'
'Who am I supposed to be teaching about this?'
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!
Seriously.
An ugly, self-centered view of life.

And yet, God revealed this same truth to me about Daniel.

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!

It is about me
only in the context of God blessing me with two very unique, amazing children.
He has a special plan for my kiddos.
They are in my earthly care.
A huge responsibility.
But GOD has their hearts.
They will be amazing adults.

I can clearly see Daniel as an incredible Youth Pastor, or Missionary (even though that makes me want to start biting my nails), or perhaps in a mainstream job that allows him to have the full-of-life impact on so many who wander in darkness.

God intends to use Daniel's reckless abandon for His glory.
That makes me smile.
It makes me more tolerant(this is a work in progress), more willing to re-direct rather than punish, more excited about diverting those attributes into positive avenues in lieu of simply expecting them to diminish over time.
I need to celebrate the wonderful, creative, adventure-filled being that Daniel is.
Whether he is four or twenty-four, he is Child of God and HE has plans for him...I am so thankful for the opportunity to watch him grow into that young man.

For now, I will enjoy watching the energy I only wish I had.
Experience the curiosity through the eyes of a four year old.
And listen to my husband when he says, "don't look!" as Daniel proceeds to do something heart-stopping.

What about the little ones in your life can you choose to cherish, rather than try and change?

Goodness!

2010-03-29T20:28:00.001-07:00

OK. I have TOTALLY neglected my blog since switching over to CaringBridge...not my intent.
Things have been a LITTLE crazier than 'normal' here.
How is that possible?
If you have NOT been to my Caring Bridge site - it was CLEAR SCANS!! in February.
The events that have transpired since then include a job change for Eric, a move back 'home' to the NW, and the beginning of Homeschool for Emily. Chemo Brain and Homeschool?...still working out the kinks on that one ;)
But I have lots of support so far.
The kids are adjusting well in some areas, but having a tough go with the loss of routine and their own space.
Prayers as we try to get situated.
I will check back in sooner than later.
Triann

Happy Happy New Year

2010-01-08T02:13:00.000-08:00

So HAPPY to be alive in 2010!
And thankful. And blessed =)

Best Christmas present of 2009?
Being 'home' with family. Another of my favorites were the blown glass ornaments that the kiddos made for me and Eric. Great idea Grandma and Grandpa Rose! I would post pics, but they are safe and sound at Mom and Dad's for the time being.

At some point I will post a picture of our awesome Hawaiian snowman- Daniel's idea for it to be Hawaiian (I'm certain that kid's gonna live there someday - it comes up a lot. He packs a bag and tells me he headed there to check on his houses that are being painted, etc. Yes, plural! I hope that means there is one for me too ;)
Em then suggested the hula skirt!
Too ironic - and hilarious!

Last year a friend of mine shared that her resolution for 2009 was to buy more jewelry for herself. I LOVED that idea - something very pampering and positive - compared to the 'I need to lose X', or 'organize Y'. I really didn't need to put pressure on myself with things like that, so I originally thought that my resolution was going to be to purchase myself a new pair of shoes every month. I am incredibly shoe-deficient...especially after our stint in San Diego.
Texas weather does require more than flip-flops.
Today being a prime example, as our low is supposed to be ZERO degrees with the windchill. UGH!

After much consideration I decided 'shoes' was simply too limiting, and while I do intend to purchase several pairs of shoes his year, I have broadened my resolution to purchasing something for myself every month.
Coffee at Starbucks doesn't count =)
This may seem strange to some, but I have an amazingly difficult time spending money on myself - heck, I cringe when I have to go grocery shopping! So this is a really big deal.
My angst is totally self-imposed. OK, perhaps some is residual from my childhood and having to search the town for toilet paper that was less than 25 cents a roll, even if we were completely out...love ya Dad! =)
Perhaps I'll share my 'me-gifts' here as an accountability...Hmmm. Will have to ponder that.

I am up in the middle of the night writing. I made dinner tonight and it absolutely wore me out! I missed my morning dose of chemo, hence the 'energy' to prepare dinner, but once I spent time in the kitchen and caught up on my meds I was nearing exhaustion!
I headed to bed around 7pm...Daniel woke up around 2am and here I am. Perhaps this is what it takes to post on my blog these days.

Hope to post again soon. I have several rough drafts I'm fussing with...
To bed again I go...my alarm is set to go off in an hour! Yikes! Wish me luck on a nap =)
Triann

I have to brag...and tell on myself.

2009-12-05T06:18:00.000-08:00

FYI - my main cancer fighting journal has been moved to www.caringbridge.org/visit/triannbenson

Now that we have 'business' out of the way...

Isn't my new background totally cute??
The BEST part?
I figured out how to import the template all by myself!!
Yea me!
Typically I simply wait until Eric can do it for me, but Patience isn't my middle name - nor is it my first - THANK YOU Mom and Dad!!
Seriously, that was an option.
God knew I couldn't do justice to such a name. Ha!

Now for the telling on myself...
The lamp in the kids' room hasn't been working, so I thought I would investigate.
It appeared that the piece that the light-bulb screwed into was a little loose.
So, like an IDIOT, I thought I would simply adjust it. Possibly the first time I have electrocuted myself in adult life - or ever. I still have goose bumps.
Perhaps this is one of those times I should use my emergency adrenalin.
Probably not.
I'll ask the doctor at my next visit...he'll just love that, I'm sure.
I NEVER want to experience a shock like that again!
Glad it was me and not one of the kids. Ugh.

Actually, I'm wondering the difference between shock and electrocution.
Is it voltage? Or how much your head tingles?

Christmas fun and craziness for today:
Santa with the kids. (Emily's therapy place offers a sign-up time to go see Santa with their siblings so you don't have to wait in line. Thought it might be nice to take advantage of...)
Cookie Exchange at a dear friend's house.
Dinner with new friends.
Bible Study at church -more friends!
How great is that??

All things I am looking forward to - must schedule in a nap though!
And perhaps get off the computer and get into the shower.

By the way...it is FREEZING here!
How is it possible for the temperature to go DOWN when the sun comes UP?
Current temperature? 28 degrees!
I need to find my gloves. Mom and Dad sent coats just in time!
I need to figure in time to shop for gloves for Daniel. He has outgrown his mittens and is currently wearing a spare pair of Emily's gloves. Don't tell him that. They are solid black, but still...
I'm thinking the stretchy $1 kind from Target...perhaps I can splurge and buy the CARS or Spiderman ones for $4.99. You know we will most likely require more than one set to get through the winter with him. Playgrounds across Plano will be sporting lonely gloves, I can see it now. We'll have to see what they have when I get there.
Plus, both kids have birthday parties to attend this week. One on Sunday and one on Wednesday.

God does provide. The week of Thanksgiving when I checked out at Target, the little coupon thing that spit out of the machine was for a $20 gift card for new or transferred prescriptions! Well, all of our meds are already at Target. Except one. However, I had to wait for Eric to go to the doctor to get the written script (his doctor's rule). In the meantime, I cleaned out my purse and put the coupon in a 'safe place'. Read: I lost it!! I prayed all day yesterday that I would find it.
And I did! In a most unlikely place, of course.
How awesome is God?
SMALL thing for Him, BIG thing for us.
Extremely thankful we still have an RX that isn't at Target and especially thankful that I will get $20 to use at Target!!
For those of you in other areas of the country, our Targets are Super Targets, which means they also carry groceries. Very nice! Think Fred Meyer, but bigger.

OK, enough yakking at you. Have a blessed day and stay warm!
Perhaps curl up with Hot Cocoa and watch Elf.
Think I can fit that in today? Didn't think so...maybe tomorrow.

Triann

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2009-11-29T15:32:00.001-08:00

I have SO much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. First of all - I'm still here!
My family, my friends, my husband has a job, kids are in good schools, and the list goes on.

We had great friends in town for Thanksgiving - missing them the moment they pulled out of the driveway!

Then a second Thanksgiving with an amazing 'adopted' family and friends in Tyler.

Well, we are FINALLY over whatever crud it was that took hold of our household for most of September and October! Yea God!

Emily has had numerous appointments in Fort Worth. It has been tough emotionally and physically draining as well. She is doing OK overall, but we have a lot headed our way I believe. Please keep Em in your prayers.

I have decided to go back over to the Caringbridge site to keep everyone updated on my fight against Adrenal Cancer. Primarily because I have heard feedback that people would like to have the notifications sent to their inboxes.
You can follow my 'journey' at www.caringbridge.org/visit/triannbenson and sign up for updates.

I will keep this site up as well, but have more family stuff and less cancer stuff.

Triann

Prayers Please...

2009-10-18T08:29:00.000-07:00

I know nearly everyone, everywhere is sick right about now!
It's tough when it hits home, though! Aches, chills, fevers, coughing, ugh!
We are all suffering to some extent. Both kids will be out of school for the week. The bright side is, the state of my house is MUCH worse than prior to the family being down - for five days now - which means it must not have been as bad as I thought it was beforehand ;)
Hubby seemed to be the least affected and I so appreciated the fact that he used the energy he did have to take over meals, etc for everybody! He even made a new batch of J-ello before he left this morning! Go Eric!

That being said...I recommend you check your back-stock of things like boxed J-ello, Toilet Paper, Kleenex, etc. I am now realizing that I was horribly low on all fronts. I am hoping we make it through the day till Eric get's home on the half a roll of toilet paper and half a box of Kleenex and one small box of J-ello. I think sometimes it doesn't pay to shop at Costco. I buy, what, 48 rolls of toilet paper at a time? I stash half in each bathroom, so I am always 'assuming' that the other bathroom must have more TP. Um. Wrong. And a bad week to be wrong! Ugh...
If only I had realized that yesterday when Eric was still home helping us out! It's humorous until we truly run out! =)

Enough about J-ello and Toilet paper...

Eric is loving his job.

Emily is excelling in so many areas of school - in fact her math scores just sky rocketed from the last time she was tested. Her teacher is a perfect fit for her.
I am thrilled that we are at the 'new' school that had me so stressed. =)

Daniel LOVES school! And he has such great teachers. We are so blessed to have him in such a terrific pre-school!

And I'm still here =)

TTFN!
Triann

CELEBRATE!!!

2009-10-02T09:17:00.000-07:00

So many things to celebrate and be thankful for!
It's gonna be a short post today because I have been sick for two weeks (cold/sinus stuff on top of my 'normal' sick)

However...I couldn't let the 30th of September go by unnoticed!!

Wednesday, September 30th, Eric and I celebrated 14 years of marriage!

It was also the one-year 'anniversary' of being admitted into the hospital and finding out I had a ginormous tumor. Some may think that's nothing to celebrate, but it was truly a miracle that it was discovered as soon as it was. My chances of being here awhile are increased significantly because of that!

Prayers that the cancer continues to stay away with the chemo and that I can tolerate the chemo...having a tough time with that one.

Overall we have much to sing praises about!

Thank you for being on this journey with us. =)

Triann

Two Weddings and A Funeral

2009-09-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

I am laughing at myself, by myself...so I had to share. The kids just wouldn't appreciate this!

I just sent an e-mail to a friend from long ago and then read of another friends' anniversary today...the two together got me thinking about the TWO weddings Eric and I were very late to - I know for certain who the one wedding was for, but cannot remember the other - will have to get Eric's input on that.
And then there was that funeral...but I am getting ahead of myself!

On all three occasions it was a matter of "Which church?" "oh, OK, that one" Ya. so NOT the right church!! UGH. Nor the right Funeral Home!!

The weddings we figured out before leaving our vehicle. One because, as we were doing our s-l-o-w drive-by, the wedding party and all the other wedding guests were seated at the reception, looking out of the big glass windows wondering 'who the heck missed the wedding?'

Oh dear me!

The funeral was the kicker though!
Eric used to work for a friend in construction in HS and dangled off of many a building in Vancouver...well, after being certain that he and his mother's stories were straight about what funeral home he fell off of, we headed that way.
However, we were not just attending this funeral, Eric was in charge of the music. We raced to the funeral home, saw a car out front (a light turquoise, mind you) that was the exact car his Aunt had been driving, pulled to a stop and ran in...things were already getting started and he shoved the CD into the hands of the person in charge and said they needed to play this! The man looked confused, but took it anyway...we headed to the chapel. On the way in someone handed us a bulletin (I know that's not what it's called, but I can't think of the word) but you don't read those until you are seated, right? All of the sudden I stop in my tracks in full panic. A COFFIN! Jody PROMISED me there would NOT be an open casket! And there it was - you HAD to go past the body to get to a seat! I turn around to head out and Eric follows...in the foyer I look down at the 'bulletin' and realize that this is NOT the person we are supposed to be giving our last respects to! Dang! Now we have to quickly march back into the funeral directors office, urgently request the CD back that we insisted he play and race around downtown Vancouver until we find the correct Chapel. Also, with the same turquoise vehicle parked out front!! So not our fault!
I hope someone else finds this funny!

THANK YOU!!

2009-09-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

SO...I am trying to get a few things unpacked around here and am finding Thank You notes that have been written and not mailed, lists of thanks you's to be written, etc.
Ugh! I have the best of intentions.

I want to take this opportunity to say

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

to everyone that has helped us pack, unpack, fold clothes, watched the kids, brought us dinner, sent a card, helped us financially, given gifts to the children, taken them on playdates, done crafts with them, prayed for us, lent an ear to listen, brought me Starbucks, cleaned my kitchen, or anything else to lift our spirits and help us in tangible ways. You have ALL been blessings to us and your kindness has meant the world to us.

I am truly sorry if you have not felt appreciated - believe me, you are!

Triann, Eric, Emily, and Daniel

Happy Birthday to Me!

2009-09-26T07:16:00.000-07:00

Ok...I'm a few days late in this post, but I have been down most of the week.

I have never been so happy to be older!!
Battling cancer sure changes ones view of birthdays!

Really any event or non-event. I want to take it all in and many days I just can't. Then I feel guilty for missing the moments and try to make it up by pushing too hard. (Catalina, you know this one too well don't you??)
Anyway... I am thrilled to be here to experience 35 and I hope to continue experiencing the joys of getting older for decades to come!

My hubby (and kiddos) COMPLETELY spoiled me this year! I wish I had felt better - we are going to have a do-over on the cake once I am up to it =)

On another note, Daniel is having HUGE separation anxiety issues with going back to school and having a new sitter. And it is looking like we will be looking - again - for another sitter. Which means more interviews - it is SO draining! please pray for us on this one!

I have been down almost a week and it is getting old!
I *need* to get my house unpacked, organized, and de-cluttered ASAP. Not because I feel like I 'should", but because I know it would be more calming for myself and my family. That is a number one priority once I feel better. One room at a time...
If I keep watching 'Clean House' I am hopeful I can let go of more and more stuff that we truly don't need. Great homework for those of us with too much stuff!

Fall is my FAVORITE season! I have already started making things with canned pumpkin! And enjoying my pumpkin candle! It is time to bat my eyes and ask Eric to dig out my fall decorations! =)

TTFN!
Triann

I Cried, I Laughed...

2009-09-05T06:06:00.000-07:00

I know that's not how the saying goes, but that's how my life went last week.
The Bible assures us that God works all things together for good for those who love Him, but it still always AMAZES me how God does that...

Eric's motorcycle was totaled by insurance.(blog more on that later)
Then, when I didn't have anything pressing to worry about I stressed for TWO HOURS about whether or not I was being a good steward of of our money by buying the pre-sliced cheese rather than the brick!
(Tillamook, of course. Praise the Lord at least I can get cheese from home!)

After a call to a girlfriend and a reality check, I added the sliced cheese to my mini list for Costco. When I got there.. you know what? There was an 80 cent difference in price. EIGHTY CENTS! Absolutely not worth my anguish over it and DEFINITELY worth the price. Now...some of you may be saying, 'why in the world does she need sliced cheese and why is it that big of a deal?' Well...it's not just about having the energy to slice the cheese. It's washing the knife and board and getting up again and again for the requests of another slice. It's about the fact that the kids can get their own cheese!! And I don't even have to get up when I am not feeling well. It is a BIG deal in the household where cheese is a staple. I think God is OK with my sliced cheese purchase =)

I even got out of Costco for UNDER $24! That should be on my miracle list for this week too. Not only the money I spent, but what I got for that money... 2lbs of really good sliced cheese, 60 sticks of string cheese, 2 loaves of bread, one gallon of whole milk, 40 small flour tortillas, and 12 HUGE muffins (read: individual chocolate cakes - I was needing a chocolate fix the other night and no way to satisfy it. I now have many 'little cakes', individually wrapped and frozen for when the need arises!)
Anyway...I am impressed with myself!

Now to the laughing and crying portion of my story.
We had just found out that the bike was totaled. Eric and I were carpooling - AGAIN - and I arrive to pick Eric up from work Wednesday evening when the air conditioner STOPS working! (enter the waterworks. NOT handling this well. Or should I say, freely expressing my emotions via my tear ducts?)
Perhaps some of you are thinking, 'so? roll down the windows'. Um, NO. Not when it is still in the upper 90's and your daughter has a heat intolerance. Even going 70 mph down the freeway (which is the speed limit here) it was simply loud, HOT air and not a cooling option at all.
So...into the shop it goes.
I debate on whether this was desperation here or faith. We had ABSOLUTELY no money to fix it. NONE. But..what were the options?? Perhaps it was as simple as needing more freon. (but I knew then it wasn't going to be that simple)
4 hours into the diagnostic stage and our grand total for non-optional items on the van??? $3700. YIKES!!
This is where the laughing comes in - or thereabouts...
I spent TWO HOURS on Tuesday stressing about an 80 cent difference in cheese and now I have $3700 worth of repairs needed on the van. I think God was enjoying this too, really. Like, 'Triann, spend the money on the cheese that makes your life easier right now and we'll tackle the bigger things together, OK?'
Another MIRACLE was that I didn't cry at all Thursday. I think I was somewhat 'pre-pared' for the fact that it wasn't going to be good news.
There was a laundry list of items, including the compressor, cooling fan, etc for the AC to work again ($2600) and the brakes - which we already knew were an issue, but were kind of ignoring (the whole money thing), plus power steering issues, etc. Now, before you think we drive a junker car and should just replace it...we have a mini-van I love! It is a 2003 Honda Odyssey. Perfect for the family and all of Emily's medical equipment (wheelchair, mobile stander, etc) We have put 135,000 miles on it and we intend to drive until we can afford a conversion van (or until one just shows up in our driveway =) We purchased the van with the expectation of driving well past the 200,000 mile mark. We have sold several Hondas throughout our married life with over 250,000 miles on them and they were still great cars. Anyway...the money we are investing in repairs far outweigh trying to go down another path. Am I really rationalizing with people I may not even know? I am going to require more counseling for this ;)

Back to my story.
Eric has a very small 'silent' partner interest in a business he helped put together when Emily was a toddler. Typically, he would get a payout at the end of the year. Because of our situation, our dear friend offered to give him an advance on his earnings to help pay for the repairs. GOD ROCKS!!!
Our AC repair was going to be $2600. At this point we have ZERO vehicles and ZERO dollars. Not really workin' for us.
Eric's advance was $2200! REALLY close, but still $400 shy of what we needed. What to do??
I called the shop and spoke with the gentleman who had been helping us and basically said - here's what I've got. I understand that brakes are also a high priority, but I HAVE to have a vehicle and AC takes top spot at the moment. There was a lot more rambling, but I'll spare you.

Now, had this been December, we could have gone with a different order for our top five - but not early September in Texas!!
He puts me on hold and comes back and says they can do the job for $2295. AWESOME! Still nearly $100 short, but a lot closer to the money we had *pending* in the bank. He said, "I actually was able to bring it down to $3010, but $2295 sounds better"
My reply was to let him know I would call my folks and beg them for the other $100 I needed to get my van back on the road for the moment.
The next words out of his mouth were "don't do anything yet - I'll call you back in fifteen minutes"

I want to insert that I wouldn't actually have to beg, I just REALLY didn't want to call my folks and ask for MORE help. They buy the kids clothes and shoes, and help out in numerous ways. I was dreading it. Mainly because it makes me feel icky, not because I thought I would have to grovel.

Less than five minutes later he calls me back and says, "I'm about to be your new best friend, how does $2175 sound?"
Sounds like the miracle we have been praying for!!
And I responded with something along those lines in addition to profuse thank yous. Then he says, "I just HATE having to ask my parents for money, I didn't want you to have to do that" Awesome! Obviously God knew the words I needed to speak, because normally I wouldn't have wanted to admit that either. I am certain with the economy and lay-offs right now they have all sorts of negotiating and sob stories coming in. I really wasn't trying to barter anything, I was just giving the guy the truth - here's what I've got. And I didn't even attempt to go into our saga.
Whether this young man is a Christian or not, God used him to bless our family.
How AWESOME is that??

I called Eric to tell him the good news and proudly told him "I didn't even have to cry!" Which is hilarious. One of my earlier posts I talk about how I was NEVER a crier. Now I'm a cry-baby.

Lunch while waiting for car diagnostics: $3.78
Ac Repair Estimate:$2600
Not crying about it: Priceless

Couldn't help myself! =)

If you think this is the end of our crazy week, you haven't been following us long!
Stay tuned for more exciting episodes in the Benson's life of Faith and Drama!

And now... back to the Cancer Report...

2009-09-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

Nothing new to report...that's good, right? =)

Daniel starts pre-school next week and I CANNOT wait! 2 days of rest a week sounds amazing.
I am doing better with getting my pills in, but again, the more pills, the more nausea, the more fatigue.
Emily having to get up before daylight to get on the bus is insane and not helping matters, but she is loving school and that is giving me a break once I have her dressed, fed, medicated, and off to school!

Eric and I are back to carpooling for the time being while his bike is in the shop - will give you an update on that when I have one.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your continued Prayers and Support.
My next blood draw will be around November 1st and we will see where my Mitotane and steroid levels are.

I'm certain you will hear from me before then though!
Triann

Are We Under Attack??

2009-08-23T03:46:00.001-07:00

Spiritual, that is...
A wise friend says 'no'. And I am inclined to agree with her.
Eric was in a Motorcycle accident Friday morning. He walked away, THANK YOU LORD! He has some good scrapes on his wrists (as shown) from where his summer gloves didn't overlap his jacket - he bought a new pair of summer gloves when he went to the shop to pick up his bike! His shoulders and neck are sore from rolling down the road (ya think?), but his gear took the brunt of it, as it should, and he was able to get his legs out from under his bike as he went down. AND no one ran him over. AND he wasn't on the freeway!
ALL great things to be thankful for.

Take a look at that helmet and imagine what his face *would have* looked like, had he not been wearing it! His jacket and pants are scratched up, but still wearable. His bike is basically OK, The boxes are broken and need to be replaced and he *obviously* will need a new helmet, but the thing that really matters is that he is still here with us!
He is really sad about the watch. It was a gift from me I brought back from Hawaii 7 yrs a go. I think I will send it in to Fossil and see if there is any way they can repair it...

That my hubby is still here and my kids still have their dad - AWESOME!

However...I was an emotional wreck! Ever since we moved to Dallas I hear myself repeating 'I am not a crier'. Dang it! I think now I am. I never USED to be a crier, but my coping capabilities have gone down hill in the last year! Could it be that I am missing an adrenal gland??? I am certain that is part if it, but definitely not all of it!
My dear friend shared that Eric's accident was just the 'one more thing' in our long list of 'things' that we are going through. If we were 'Family Average', it might still be upsetting, but it wouldn't have shaken my world like it did. I think she is right. I mean, good grief, was there any other mom at packet pick up (Friday morning, shortly after my phone call with Eric) that when the school couldn't locate their child's folder and then was told they didn't think supplies could still be purchased, burst into tears? Doubtful. =) Those poor volunteers. I'm not sure they knew what to do with me. GREAT first impression. LOL!
THIS is why I can't say I never cry any longer.
It really bugs me. But perhaps that's another post as well as a year of therapy...

For those of you looking for an amazing devotional book, you have to pick up "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. For everyone else, pick it up anyway. It has been great. Just what I need, and I know it would bless you too!

Here is a portion of Friday's devotional...
..."You are walking along the path I have chosen for you. It is both a privileged and perilous way: experiencing MY glorious presence and heralding that reality to others. Do not worry about what others think of you. Stay on the Path of Life with Me. Trust Me wholeheartedly, letting my Spirit fill you with Joy and Peace."...

1Kings 8:23
"O, Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like you in heaven above or on earth below - You who keep Your covenant of love with your servants who continue wholeheartedly in Your way"

Checking In

2009-08-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

Well, both sets of Grandparents have been to visit and that was wonderful.

Now we are getting ready for school. I feel ready and not ready.
I am looking forward to the rest I will get and the efficiency of my errands when I go by myself!

No more news from MD Anderson, so I guess that means all is well...

My biggest issue right now is extreme fatigue. I am truly thankful my GI 'hysteria' has calmed down since they back me down to 10 chemo pills/day. Not eliminated, but bearable.

I will be starting a Bible Study on Hope with a friend of mine after school starts and am looking forward to more insight on the matter. =)

There is rumor I may have some friends visiting from the west coast this fall and I am SO very excited about that!

Pray all is well with my readers/blog followers/friends!

Triann

Praise is in Order!!

2009-07-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

Thank you EVERYONE who has prayed for us and supported us - in all sorts of ways.

I am THRILLED to report good scans!!!

A full report will be in next week and not all tests are back....but the oncologist said he would see me NEXT YEAR!! Six month check up - AWESOME!

God Rocks!

Tired, but thankful.

Will write more later.
Triann

Verses of the Day

2009-07-28T01:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes God shows us, tells us, communicates to us a theme or a verse over and over and over to get our attention. Since Saturday I have had some themes and verses He has been shouting at me and I thought I would share - perhaps you are in need of hearing the same messages =)

I am loved by God - unconditionally (and so are you!!)
I cannot earn it or even fathom its depth with my finite mind.

HOPE. HOPE. HOPE.

And Prayer. I can be a prayer warrior for myself, and that's OK. It's not selfish. He wants me to dialogue with Him. That's what I was designed for - a relationship with the Creator. And although prayer does not need to be formal (as I was reminded - again - in the car while listening to Stephen Curtis Chapman sing "Let us Pray")
He also desires for us to set aside some REAL quiet time with him - even if it is 10 minutes!
To talk with Him, give our full attention to Him.
Yes, even with a 3 yr old in the house!

The verses I continue to be led to are

"You are fearfully and wonderfully made". Psalm 139:14

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11

"Be Joyful in HOPE, Patient in affliction, faithful in PRAYER." Romans 12:12

I wanted to have some clarification on a couple of words. I know the general gist, but felt compelled to truly define the words.

One word was AFFLICTION.
Dictionary.com states that it is a noun meaning
1. a state of pain, distress, or grief; misery
2. a cause of mental or bodily pain, as sickness, loss, calamity, or persecution.

Synonyms: mishap, trouble, tribulation, calamity, catastrophe, disaster. Affliction, adversity, misfortune, trial refer to an event or circumstance that is hard to bear.

Got it.

Secondly DECLARES.
Sounds Kingly (probably because He is, but just needed to know)

To make known formally or officially, to make known or state clearly, esp. in explicit or formal terms
To state emphatically or authoritatively; affirm, to announce officially; proclaim
To reveal or make manifest; show

Not only is the Lord making it known, he is SHOWING us that what he says is true (manifest - readily perceived by the eye or the understanding; evident; obvious; apparent, show plainly: to prove; put beyond doubt or question)

LOVE IT! What wonderful promises.

This is where I find peace. This is how I have Hope. This is how I 'Keep Moving Forward'

The Good News is here, the great news is to come...

One more week and lab results

2009-07-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

My labs results were disappointing, but not surprising.
I am actually down 2 points. =(
I have been really sick with GI side effects plus the horrid can't-get-out-of-bed dizziness and the oncologist has dropped me down to 10 pills a day, even though my numbers are lower.

We head down to MD Anderson Cancer Center Next Tuesday.

Please keep us in your prayers. Great results. Safe Trip.
My mom will be flying down Tuesday to play with the kids while Eric and I are at the hospital. We will head south directly from the airport.

Only 2 More Weeks

2009-07-14T01:00:00.001-07:00

We are headed back to MD Anderson in two weeks! I am looking forward to the trip because I would like to be able to breathe a sigh of relief until the next visit. (Keep those prayers coming!)
However...there is also the anxiety (fear) that things won't be OK.
Eric and I have the conversation often that I don't have cancer, I'm simply on chemo.
There has not been a sign of cancer since the tumor was removed in October - PRAISE the LORD!!
However, I am still on high doses of chemo and have still not reached the 'optimal' level of the drug in my system.
I have had a really rough month with getting my pills in. Stomach aches, stomach cramps, nausea, vomiting, GI issues galore. I don't know if it is the heat or the stress of the move, the kids and their medical things recently. Perhaps it is simply the meds. Hmmm. Or a combo of it all. I am now getting the dizziness back in full force like I had a few months ago. Ugh. But wanting, NEEDING more time with my family is my driving force to continue to take the Mitotane.
Adrenal Cancer is RARE. Stage 2 Adrenal Cancer is VERY rare! A tremendous gift that that this terrible disease was found so early! Thank you God and thank you Daniel.
I actually find it difficult to scold him when he jumps on me, but I have to. Especially since my incision site is still tender!

I really believe that God can hand me many more years here on this earth with Eric and Emily and Daniel.
But it is such a mental game.

Please pray for my overall health. My medication intake. My upcoming scans. My family - it is really taxing on Eric and so hard for the kids to understand why mommy is always tired and not feeling well. Emily told me today that she wanted me to get some rest so I didn't get sick again. Daniel has always been clingy, but it is getting ridiculous. I hate that my kiddos, esp Emily, are being forced to grow up too fast. I hate cancer. But I love the Lord and I know He loves me. That He cares about my family. I need to continue to put my trust and my hope in Him alone.

I am up tonight with heartburn and an upset stomach. But I am so tired and dizzy it is hard to stay upright. Now what do I do??

I suppose I will sign off for now and catch up with y'all later.

My Mom will be flying down for this trip to Houston to keep the kiddos entertained while Eric and I are at the hospital for long and grueling days! I am thankful she is able to take the time off and come help. I know it is tough on my parents to not be closer.

Thank you -again - to Amy and Christophe for donating hotel points for our stay.
Thank you to my Mops group for the great freezer meals this month.
Thank you to my in-laws for giving me a couple of naps while they are here visiting.
Thank you to Belinda for taking the kids on separate outings. For making them feel special and giving them a chance to get out of the craziness for awhile.

I am certain there are others I am missing, so thank you to all of you who have been praying for us and lending a hand. We couldn't do it without you.

Goodnight.

Update

2009-06-28T05:14:00.000-07:00

I am tired and don't really want to talk about/share my life right now.
However, you can pray that it gets easier to take my pills and that I can figure out more rest time. And that I can get this house unpacked and everyone settled in.
Praises are that Emily's stay at the hospital went well, Eric's procedure went well, and that our apartment is nice and cool despite the 3 digit temp outside!

Back Online!!

2009-06-12T15:17:00.001-07:00

Has it really been that long since I have written??
I have missed my internet!!!

My numbers came back - I am up to 9.7.
Getting there, but was really hoping for a higher #. (needs to be between 13 and 20 for those of you new to the updates)
I am having a REALLY tough time getting all my pills in, especially with this move - too busy and not wanting to slow down or be sick. Now I have to get into a routine again and choke them all down. No more excuses...

I am overwhelmed with the amount of boxes littering my house, and the army of ants that are invading my pantry and any box with a food item of any kind. The exterminators came yesterday, but I am having to toss anything already opened and it is frustrating. They are still crawling around - I am guessing it will take a couple of days for them to all die off. (I suppose that is a lame thing to whine about when one is fighting cancer, but it is annoying all the same)

Today I am tired and nauseous, but I have a sitter coming and hope to take a nap - and perhaps Eric and I can even get out for a cheap date =)

We go back to MD Anderson in July. Please start praying now for clear scans!
I will also have an appointment at the fatigue clinic and have high hopes for that.

Both kids out of school is really tough. I didn't realize how much time they were at school!

Talk to y'all soon!
Triann

Time is ticking away...

2009-05-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

I am in the throws of moving. Sorting, tossing, donating, packing. Plus the end of the school year, plus, plus, plus. I am SO ready to be on the other side of this move. I don't care if we unpack a box for months - I just want to be done with this end of the process!
That being said, I apologize that I have not been updating blogs like I should be. It will be sparse for awhile.
I am, however, waiting for my lab results to come in and will post those as soon I get them. My side effects have been especially bad recently and I don't know if it is 'simply' my chemo numbers are increasing (which would be good - overall) or if it is the combo of pushing myself to get this house sorted and packed, the end of school 'stuff' and the meds just taking a toll on me.
We soon shall see. Perhaps even when the numbers come in, I won't really know until I am moved and can rest again. =)
Thank you for continued prayers.
Triann

We found an Apartment!

2009-05-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

Yea God!
We found - and secured - an apartment just up the road from where we currently live. We take possession on June 1st and will be moving once Emily is out of school for the year.
Our BIG prayer now is that Emily will be able to transfer into her current school. Right now she is on the waiting list as they are downsizing teachers.
On the upside, the apartment is in a great location and it has a pool and a playground. It is also ADA. Which means that Emily can wheel into every area of the house - including the bathrooms (which she has never been able to do). She is very excited. The kitchen sink is REALLY low, therefore Eric won't be doing any dishes! I hate to tell you we will just be filling the earth with paper plates for the time being, but that is our reality!
Now to PACKING PACKING PACKING! Or should that be PANICKING! =) Missing an adrenal gland does have its upside. I am MUCH less stressed than the former me would have been! Also more forgetful. But it all evens out, right?
Thank you for your continued prayers
Triann

Wisdom. Clarity. Peace.

2009-05-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

I am requesting prayer for wisdom. For both Eric and I. We are coming to the end of our lease and need to downsize our living expenses (utilities are INSANE in Texas!). That being said we are in search of an apartment, but that is no easy task and there are SO many factors we are weighing.

We are also trying to figure out our best option for a second vehicle and how to go about that. And today I started having a minor issue with the van and needing a clear definition of need and want. Were I perfectly healthy I could probably call it a want, but it may truly be a need...

I tend to over analyze, have difficulty making decisions, and then constantly wonder if the decision I (or we) made was the right one. I am hoping that if I pray for wisdom and clarity, that I will also have peace with the decisions that are made. I really want to listen to the voice of God, but sometimes it is faint when there are so many other things shouting over him that I can't focus!

I have great friends (and some strangers)that have been lifting us up in prayer, helping me pack, and taking care of meals. Especially now that Eric and I are sharing a car my fatigue has been kicked up a notch!

I am SO truly blessed. I need to keep reminding myself of the good things in life - the laughter of my children, the love of my husband, and the listening ears of my friends. That we do have food on the table, that Eric has a job, that I have a really comfortable bed, the list goes on and on. Some days I lose sight of the bigger picture. (Even though my bigger picture is much smaller than His bigger picture)

Of course, drowning my sorrows in an occasional Grande White Chocolate Mocha never hurts either =)

Thank you to all of you for your prayers and encouragement.

It's Just a Stupid Car

2009-05-07T12:59:00.000-07:00

OK. We are 4 days post accident.
Eric and I have a zillion stories to tell from over the years, but we are still telling them together.
We are coming up on our 14th wedding anniversary this fall and we have been through a number of things that have caused other couples to throw in the towel.
As stressful as it is, we still have each other. And that is HUGE.
I am so very thankful that I have been blessed with more time with my family, that my kids are OK and that my hubby is sticking by my side through it all. Truly a blessing.
I realized yesterday that the world has not stopped spinning, we have much to be thankful for AND sharing a vehicle for now is giving us more time together (commuting)plus more time for me to rest because I can't go anywhere on the days he has the van.

"give thanks in all circumstances" 1 Thessalonians 15:18a

Not an easy thing, but boy does it help change one's point of view!
God knows best, doesn't he?

At the end of the day, it's just a car.
Currently, a hunk of metal.
No big deal in the scheme of things.

I think I was feeling overwhelmed because it was ONE MORE thing we had to deal with. One more expense, one more hassle. But that's how Satan distracts us, isn't it?
We have our 'health' - even if it is medically altered - and we have each other.

'Na Na Na Na, life goes on!'

Perspective

2009-05-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I NEED these reminders. A lot lately. This is one that I am so glad is in my memory banks for me to pull up and calm me down.

We have had a rough go these last several weeks.Eric was traveling on business for 4 weeks straight. He would come home long enough to wash his clothes, for the two of us to have a good fight, and then head out again (those of you with traveling spouses I know can relate). Literally about a 36 hour weekend. It was tough on me, tough on the kids, and tough on Eric.

My Hawaii trip, the one that was cancelled in October when I ended up in the hospital, had been rescheduled for April. Unfortunately, I was scheduled to fly out early Saturday morning the 25th and Eric flew in the night of the 24th. HORRIBLE timing!

Hawaii was a nice break and it was the first time I was able to leave the kids without suffering from mommy guilt - awesome! But is was SO tough to go yet one more week without being a family. I missed Eric immensely and that put a small damper on things. On the upside it was absolutely beautiful and we had a great time - especially laying on the beach (under an umbrella for me) and Happy Hour at Margaritaville!

I flew in Sunday night, May 3rd after 2 days of plane rides and an hour and a half of sleep, not good.
Monday morning was a rude awakening getting Emily ready for school at 1 AM Hawaii time! Ugh.
I got her off to school and settled in for a little while before heading to MOPS - or so I thought. Well, I would have hustled through a shower if I had known what my next call would be!

Eric.
In a car accident.
SERIOUSLY????

PLEASE! When will we get a break? I am strong enough in my faith to know we are not being punished, but Monday I definitely felt like throwing in the towel. On what, I don't know, but I was DONE!

Eric is OK - HUGE PRAISE!
The car, not so much.
Downsizing, it's the way to go right now, right?

After a 6 hr cry, 4 Advil, and a nap, I was a new woman.
I have no idea how this situation is going to play out.
Eric was 'at fault', even though the persons in front of him were goofing off driving, ultimately, he ran into them... AND because we just gave up the motorcycle and he was using our 'back-up' car, we did not have full-coverage. YIKES! We were actually shocked to find this out, totally our fault, but nothing to do about it now.

I am certain God does have a plan for us. One of the biggest confirmations that HE knows all things is that we just got permission to bus Emily to and from school -begininning Monday, May 4th - the same day as the accident. (Her school is a 'walking' school, so there is no busing except under special circumstances). Our special circumstances happened to be the oncologist saying NO DRIVING when you feel dizzy. Well, some days I do, some days I don't - how can one count on that??
At least now Emily has a ride to school and back and Eric can take the van most days. It is a short term solution, but I am certain that God has a long-term remedy. HE just isn't ready to inform us of it yet.

Several weeks ago I was digging through a box in the garage and came across a card a friend had given me years ago. I had long forgot about this card, but recognized it immediately when I saw it. To my amazement, it had 'MY' verse on the front "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him." Romans 15:13

This is the verse that was spoken to me in the hospital. And the card now sits next to our wedding picture on my nightstand. After yesterday, I decided I need to find a frame for it.

It is a card by Karla Dornacher and the inside reads

'Don't Wish upon a shining star
or put your trust in another
but daily place the cares of your heart
in the hands of your Heavenly Father

For HE has heard your prayers
and He knows your heart.
and His answer's a whisper away
So don't give up, don't doubt His love,
but hold on in faith one more day

And while you wait, keep your eyes on Jesus
Let your hope be in Him alone
Let His Word give light to encourage your soul
and His Spirit give your heart a home'

Perspective.
Great, isn't it?

Drug Update

2009-04-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

OK. Just got off of the phone with the oncologist and my Mitotaine level has not changed since last month =(
He is changing my dose from 10 pills/day to 15 pills/day.
Eek!
Pray my numbers go up this next month and that I don't go too crazy!

I think I need a chocolate fix...

good thing it's Easter weekend and chocolate consumption is a nearly guaranteed occurrence!

Happy Easter!

2009-04-10T05:05:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone has wonderful Easter plans and a joyous time of celebration at church this weekend! It truly is a glorious holiday!
We have two Easter Egg hunts to choose from on Saturday and we will be attending Easter service Sunday morning.

Things for us have been kind of a roller coaster ride these last few weeks.
Eric has been traveling for work and I have been fighting with my meds! Still no results on my Mitotaine levels, but everything else came back looking good. It looks like my new dose of the florinef and prednisone is the double dose they put me on last week.

I am having a lot of 'normal' days -meaning tired, but basically functioning. And some that are WAY out of whack. It is kind of hard to plan for these things! One constant has been that the later in the day it is, or the more things on my 'to-do' list (such as doctor appointments), the more my fatigue, confusion, and dizziness is an issue.
My dear friend, Andrea, basically forced me to ask for (and receive) help. I know I need it - esp with Eric out of town - but it is SOOOOO hard to be on the side of need. But there have been a ton of red flags that I am not as OK as I think I am. For example, I was filling out a form for Emily at OT and where it asked for the name of who was completing the survey I wrote 'Darlene' (my mother's name) Hmmmm. I'm sure my family could give you a zillion examples, but truly my memory doesn't allow for me to give you very many =)

Anyway, Andrea set up a website where people can see what we need help with, such as rides or meals. I am trying to plan for help when I have an appointment that is further away or when I know my day is busier than normal and I am going to be a wreck by the afternoon. It has already been such a blessing.
A lot of this journey has been altering my expectations and only taking on a little bit every week rather than a 'conquer the world in one day' attitude.

The other HUGE blessing is that Emily finally qualified for respite care and we are able to have some help several afternoons a week. We have two people helping currently. One takes Emily to school and sometimes helps with bedtime routines. The other picks her up from school 2-3 days a week and helps with homework, encouraging Emily to keep her room picked up, and doing projects together.
It has been great!
This summer I will have even more hours of help -yea!

Green Light!!!

2009-04-02T12:11:00.000-07:00

Kind Of....
If I don't feel dizzy I can drive.
My fear is not feeling dizzy when I head out, but getting dizzy while I am out and about =)
We will be monitoring this closely. Basically the chemo eats up the prednisone and cortisone I'm on and apparently my chemo dose is winning this round. I will be on a double dose of my steroids until further notice. Not sure how that will change things, except that I am a little shaky now and then.
'Talk' to you all soon!
Triann

PS
Thank you to Belinda for driving 'duty' and Sheila for fulfilling my Ice Cream cravings. Thank you also to Laura, Andrea, and Heather for offers of help. I appreciate all of you wonderful ladies who are jumping in when things get rough! (and everyone else who I may not have mentioned)

Update on the Driving Dilemma

2009-04-02T06:21:00.000-07:00

I have cancelled a couple of appointments and have friends helping with the rest.
I feel SO much better now that the doctor has changed the dosage on some of my meds.
I think I am OK, but am waiting for the green light from my doctor to be independent again.
Thank you all for your prayers.

Prayers Please

2009-03-31T17:09:00.000-07:00

I just spoke with my Oncologist because I have been having some 'difficulties' with my chemo. Bottom line is I cannot drive until they work out the 'kinks'. Please pray that the 'kinks' are worked out VERY soon. No driving is killer in this household.
Thanks
Triann

Things are looking up!

2009-03-29T05:40:00.000-07:00

At least in my blood work =) The results from my lab work at MD Anderson measuring my Moitotane level indicates that I am at a 5.9 - nearly double what it had been just two weeks prior! I will be going in again this week for another blood draw and am confident my numbers will be looking good! We are aiming for a number between 13 and 20 to be 'therapeutic'.

I had a wonderful trip to Virginia - thank you Silbernagel family!- and was so blessed that, not only did I get a rest and a true vacation, but Eric and the kids had such a fantastic time as well.Eric did an AMAZING job with them.I know he thinks that I think he is incapable, but it's just my need for control that makes me worry about them! (perhaps it's pride and control God is working on with me) He and the kids walked to the video store and rented a movie for family movie night, they made me several bracelets for my medic alert tag, and even baked and decorated cupcakes! I was VERY impressed.

Both kids are growing - shoes are too small and pants are too short! Do they really have to have a growth spurt at the SAME time?

A friend of ours gave us a TON of clothes for Daniel and Grandma and Grandpa Rose sent the kids shoe shopping =) Thank you everyone!

We are almost done completing our respite care paperwork and we should have someone on board to start helping me out by the end of the week!

All great things.

Keep up the prayers!
Triann

Totally Off Topic - Well, Sort Of

2009-03-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

Last spring I called my good friend and said 'We have to go to this SHE SPEAKS Conference being put on by Proverbs 31 Ministries'. The calling to write a book about my life experiences with my daughter who has Spina Bifida had been on my heart for quite some time. But shortly after that conversation with my friend, our family relocated for my husband's job and the money for the conference just wasn't there. So I resigned myself to looking forward to the 2009 conference. Well,this year doesn't look any more promising financially, but my calling is even stronger with the experiences I have had since last Spring! Seeing the She Blogs track resulted in a happy dance right then and there!

A book is still roaming around in the back of my head, but blogging has really captured me and fulfilled the need to share portions of my story and the satisfaction of knowing I can be an encouragement as I journey towards 'writing' someday.

I would encourage you to check out Proverbs 31 Ministries and to research the conference that is coming up in July. Perhaps this is a calling you have had, you just needed the tools. Or perhaps this will be the seed that needed to be planted so you too could further the kingdom with your speaking, leading, writing, or blogging. Whatever the case, I hope you look into it. At the very least, check their website for the amazing daily devotions. I just love how God has spoken to my heart through other ladies in Christ at Proverbs 31.

I started this blog - with the help of my DH - as a way to keep family and friends updated on what was going on with me after my 'out-of-the-blue' diagnosis of adrenal cancer. Is there ever a cancer diagnosis that is not a surprise? I am guessing 'NO', but it was truly a shocker at age 34 and 'healthy'.

However, this blog has ended up as so much more than a medical update. At times I try really hard to keep it to the facts, but really it is therapy and I cannot separate my medical issues with who I am in the other areas of my life.

I have known for years that God was calling me to write. I have a 7 year old with 'special needs' (I hate that term, but 'disabled' and handicapped' aren't any better) and there is SO little out there for moms going through the struggles of raising a child with health issues. I have a dear friend with a daughter four months younger than mine with the same diagnosis and we truly would be lost without each other. To KNOW that one is not alone on such a journey is awesome. I understand that we are not alone when we are believers - followers of Christ -and that He will never leave us or forsake us. But I also believe that he gives us people here on earth to help us through the tough times as well. I am certain that there are moms out there who are alone - or feel alone. Who struggle through each day with no encouraging words or glimpses of hope. God has brought several of these ladies across my path and I have been so blessed to know each of them and to have new friends to share this journey with. But now I am wondering if that is my only mission. There are now three in our household with major medical issues. We've had layoffs, and wildfires, and doctors, Oh My!

At every turn I have a brand new potential 'audience'. A new group I can relate to and speak to from the heart because I've been there - or am currently in the midst of!

Now I need help in my focus. Discerning the where do I start? Do I roll all my experiences into one package, or am I to break it down into separate pieces? I used to think that a book was the only avenue to reaching those who needed to hear the message God had given to me to share, but since beginning this blog last fall, I am invigorated by the INSTANT nature of a blog. I don't have to wait until I have completed numerous rough drafts and pitched to a number of publishers to get - perhaps - on a bookshelf and pray that the right person finds what they need to hear so desperately. A mom can do a search for 'mom with cancer' or 'raising a child with special needs' and Viola! I'm there. More importantly, GOD is there - ready to meet her need to be understood. The need to connect. The need to be loved, especially by her Creator.

Although I continue to pursue writing a book, I believe He is calling me to reach others swiftly.

All that being said, I obviously need help honing skills, coming up with a Blog name (Insert Catchy Title Here was a placeholder while I thought of something else and that was FIVE months ago!), narrowing down my target audience, and growing my blog so that I can reach more moms - to offer them the light of Christ and be a friend to those who are also overwhelmed and tired, just like me.

Attending the conference would be such a treat. Winning a Scholarship would be a tremendous blessing! I have read many other bloggers' entries and there are so many talented ladies with incredible hearts for God. I must continue reminding myself that God's timing is perfect that if it is to be, it will be. God is in control and He knows the right time for me to attend the conference, if ever. I may not always understand His timing, or His path, but He continually reassures me that He cares about every detail of my life and has my best interest at heart. Perhaps this blog will encourage you to enter the Scholarship contest with She Speaks and catapult you into an unforgettable journey!

I hope to see you there ladies! If not, I will continue to visit with you on the World Wide Web! =)

In Him,
Triann

The Results Are In...Almost

2009-03-01T06:39:00.000-08:00

The doctor said I made his day!
That's got to be good, right?? =)
He was very pleased - both with how 'little' the chemo was affecting me (compared to others who are on it) and that my scans were clean.
He said my bloodwork was gorgeous!
We are still a long ways off from the therapeutic level of the chemo, but he said it will take awhile.
His expectation was for me to be in much worse shape than I was.
The Radiology reports sounded good, but he hadn't actually laid eyes on the scans himself. He will call me next week once he has done that.
There is a cyst on my kidney, but they are not concerned about that.
I had a ultrasound of my thyroid and there are several nodules, but they appear benign and they will recheck those in a year. (If they had looked suspicious they would have done a biopsy)
My bloodwork looks good - my steroid dose is appropriate. He will continue to check my Mitotane level monthly.

There are always questions I forget to ask, so I will be sending him an e-mail Monday!

Again - thank you for your prayers. I will try to recount more adventures later, I have just been SO tired and kind of busy with travel and birthdays.

We will return to Houston late in the summer for the next round of tests.

Micro Summary of Day One, Trip Two at MD Anderson

2009-02-26T04:20:00.000-08:00

Haircut -looks good so far - will post pics later.
Ultrasound of Thyroid/neck - NO biopsy needed! Praise God!
Blood Draw - couldn't count the number of vials required - yikes!
Chest X-ray
900 ml of Berry Barium 'smoothie' later only to find out they decided against the contrast CT!! Arrgh!
Chest CT
Contrast MRI of abdomen and pelvis.

Will give more details later.

Appointment with Oncologist today at 11AM. Don't expect full report until Friday night, but perhaps sooner. I will try!

Thank you for your prayers, texts, e-cards, and support.

Triann

Making the Most of It

2009-02-22T03:37:00.000-08:00

In an earlier post I mentioned the Cleaning for a Reason foundation. I am still working on getting all of the required paperwork to them, but once I complete that, they will come in and clean my house once a month for 4 months. I am REALLY looking forward to that!

Yesterday my sister *lovingly* told me I really needed to figure out how to budget for a haircut! I agree. But it is tough to 'justify' such things right now. I figure I can always put it in a ponytail and spend my money in other areas that are of a higher value to me. I won't go into it, but let's just say it has always been hard for me to spend money on myself to begin with and things have been such that it is even tougher for me to make an appointment that I know will not be cheap and seems selfish.

So...I thought to myself, if there is a program out there to help women clean their homes while they are on Chemo, perhaps there is a program for women with cancer to get their haircut as well.

I am happy to announce that, 'yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus'!!

MD Anderson actually has a beauty salon/barber shop on site and they give shampoos, haircuts, scarves, and wigs to all patients FREE of charge! Thankfully, I don't need the wig/scarf benefit with the type of chemo I am on, but the haircut is certainly a welcome treat! It is on a first come, first serve basis - so pray that I get in!!

Typically I am VERY picky/nervous about who cuts my hair because it is naturally curly and the wrong cut can be disastrous! But I think I am up to the adventure and certainly willing to take a risk for such a great price! (my dad would be proud =)

Perhaps I will post before and after pictures and you all can decide!

Pray that I am able to get in and that the end result doesn't make me cry!

Triann

Mito-'drain' Update

2009-02-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

'You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all and there you have the Facts of Life, the Facts of Life...'

Is it stuck in your head yet?
Oh good. Mission Accomplished! =)

I just got off of the phone with my Oncology nurse and now I feel about 2 inches tall and technically it is not my fault. But I still feel like I am in Time Out for being STUPID! (I would be scolded by Emily if she heard me say that!)
This is how the story goes. Eric cancelled our home phone number TWO months ago with Verizon. Apparently...our voice mail is still active. Well, I called and left a message for the nurse about my new cell phone number but they were still leaving messages on my home number.
THEREFORE, I did NOT get the message that I needed to go up -again- on my Chemo pills (Mitotane). Arghh.
I was scolded and told that I had to 'confess my sins' to the Dr next week!(not her words, but my interpretation)
She was nice about it, but still irritated that I hadn't started on the 10 chemo pills a day yet. But I didn't know! And I did call and give them my new number. And she has left messages on my new cell, so I knew she had it and assumed that was the only number they were using. What other messages am I missing when people think they are reaching me?? Arghh again!

My mitotane level is at a 3. It needs to be a minimum of 13. I cannot imagine what that means for my energy level and confusion/memory loss in the future. Perhaps nothing, but I am nervous. Part of the questioning I have for my doctor is if I have to take 4 times more pills will my side effects be 4 times worse? Or will my body adjust as I go up on the 'meds' and I will basically feel like I do now? Perhaps only time will tell...

I will let you know how 'confession' goes next week with my doctor!
Triann

Gearing Up for MD Anderson

2009-02-11T10:21:00.000-08:00

I thought I was ready to go back to Houston. I think the closer it gets, the more reservations I have!

We will leave the afternoon of February 24th. I have CT scans, MRI's, and blood work all day Wednesday which will leave me crashed out Wednesday night! Thursday, Eric and I will meet with the oncologist and get the results (pray for great ones) and the next course of action. Hopefully, I will be done in time to get a nap in so we can take the kids to the Houston Children's Museum Thursday night. It is FREE on Thursday nights and we took advantage of the free admission last time too. There is a ton of stuff for the kids to do and they really enjoyed themselves on the previous trip.
Friday, weather-permitting, we will head to the zoo before driving north. We were gifted a zoo membership in November - yet another free activity for us to enjoy! The perfect way to celebrate Daniel's 3rd Bday as well - which is the 27th.

Detail-wise things are coming along. Some friends of ours have generously donated hotel points for our stay, so that is covered (Thanks you guys!) Eric's Mom is flying down thanks to some friends whose husband works for Southwest Airlines who have given her a voucher for the flight. She will help out with the kids again, allowing Eric to be there as a support to me while at the hospital and another set of ears to take in everything I hear from the oncologist!

Please pray for a safe trip, that every detail will be taken care of, and that in the moments that don't HAVE to revolve around the cancer, we can enjoy spending time as a family.

Triann

A Great Day for Up!

2009-02-04T06:39:00.000-08:00

Monday started out rough. Really rough! But I have an amazing friend who took Daniel for the day so I could run some much needed errands and clean my kitchen. (Thank you Liz!!) It was a big debate for me: Clean the kitchen or Take a nap. A nap might have been the 'right' choice, but I went with clean the kitchen. I haven't seen my counters in weeks - perhaps longer. The satisfaction of having CLEAR counters was TOTALLY worth skipping the nap. I posted the above photo as proof!

Tuesday I had Bible Study and it was so nice to be with other women. My table group has been very supportive and they send dinner home with me on Tuesdays - I LOVE not having to think about what to fix on Tuesdays =) My amazing friend from Monday, came over Tuesday after Bible Study and did my dishes and swept my kitchen floor. Seriously an angel here on earth! Not to mention having 'company' for lunch.

I had the kids in bed by 6:30. I think that's a record.

Today started out as a blank page in my daytimer (I like those), but is quickly becoming a day of necessary things that are being added to my calender by others. Which I suppose is OK since I didn't have anything else planned! =)

I went in for another set of labs last week. The results for my Mitotane levels won't be available until next week, but the rest of the results should be in by Thursday - I will give updates as I receive them. Most of my symptoms are remaining the same - fatigue, some nausea (but that is less and less) and dizziness. The only addition recently has been headaches. And it is questionable as to whether or not my memory is worse now than previously. You can't ask me though, I don't remember!

I cannot believe it is already February. We have three family birthdays this month and at least one friend birthday. It is a good month to celebrate!
We are heading to MD Anderson the last week of February. Eric's mom is flying down again to help us with the kiddos, which will be great! And we will be celebrating Daniel's 3rd Bday while in Houston. We plan on going to the zoo - pray for great weather on the 27th!

I am looking forward to the scans - not actually doing them, but getting the results. I fully expect wonderful news from the doctor. Please keep this in your prayers for me - us! I know many of you have prayed faithfully for me and my family and I am so grateful and truly blessed because of this.

Two of the gals at Bible Study had heard about a program for women with cancer called Cleaning for a Reason. It is a non-profit that works with local cleaning businesses to provide once a month house cleaning (for a total of 4 months) to women undergoing treatment for cancer. I submitted my application last night! How could that not be part of my already excellent day? Now I just have to get rid of the clutter so they CAN clean =)
Their website is http://www.cleaningforareason.org/ if you know of someone who could also benefit from this incredible service.

Here's to another great day ahead!
Triann

In Hiding

2009-01-22T18:34:00.000-08:00

The kids are SICK. Hence the lack of communication. Basically we have all been struggling with some bug or another. My greatest struggle the last couple of weeks - aside from having to keep up with doctor visits, urgent care and pharmacy runs, and sick, whiny kids has been my dizziness. I have no idea if it is from the meds - which several of my meds list that as a possible side effect - or if I am fighting some sort of bug myself.
Today was a good day. I was actually able to get out of the house for an hour and visit with a new friend over a cup of coffee - thanks to Eric's folks who arrived last night. Bliss!
I need to have labs drawn tomorrow. I return to MD Anderson at the end of February.
Will check in again soon.
Triann

Coincidence? I don't think so.

2009-01-06T07:17:00.000-08:00

I just couldn't get in a good space today.
So I went and grabbed Emily's Bible.
It has larger print - am I really old enough for large print?

Wasn't sure where to start, so I went with the old "open it and see if it inspires me" routine.

It opened to Job.

I was amused.

Several things I gained from the few chapters I read. (Isn't it great that we can read the same chapters, books, and verses again and again and always gain something new - or a tap on the shoulder saying 'you should know this already - you've been here before'.)

First of all, Job had some rotten friends. 'Righteous' friends. I think that they meant well. I know this because we have had friends who have meant well, but really couldn't have hurt us more by their 'helpful' suggestions and opinions.
Next, I am reminded that we cannot fathom the ways of the Lord. He is all-knowing and Almighty and loves us more than we can imagine. I need to quit trying to figure 'it' out. All of the 'whys?' - I need to let them go. Much easier said than done!!
I also needed the reminder that God is in the business of blessing us. After the rain comes the sun, right? He blessed Job immensely because he remained faithful. It didn't mean that Job didn't question, or struggle, or grieve. We are all still human. Yet he still walked with the Lord. That's all he had and he hung onto that. How many walk away in tough times? Then they are really sunk!
But I am on a tangent...

Where I am really blown away is - in His infinite wisdom - He placed the Psalms as the book following Job. The book of song and worship. That is exactly what we are to do in ALL circumstances, but especially when we are having trials and struggles. What will bring us out of the dark spaces?
Focusing on God.
On worship.
On something greater than ourselves and our circumstances.

I certainly don't have it figured out, but enjoy it when the vision becomes a little clearer.

2009

2009-01-01T06:22:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year Everyone!

I have been dreading 2009 and also anticipating 2009. I was trying to figure out what my issue was. It boils down to being a little 'gun-shy' after the last 3 years. 2006 was a rough year. 2007 was a challenge to say the least, and well, 2008 doesn't need a lot of explanation to y'all does it? So I'm thinking to myself, what in the world is 2009 gonna hold? I realized there is only one option -great things. Powerful, amazing things from the Lord. Even though the last three years have been extremly difficult, we have had some incredible blessings as well (the whole 'don't throw the baby out with the bath water' saying).
I have felt sorry for myself long enough. We have been drowning in bills for long enough. It is time for change! It is time to step outside of myself and my situation and do something else. I don't even know what that means for me this upcoming year, but I know that we are headed into a great year. I am excited and looking forward to what's around the corner. Will it be perfect? No way! Perhaps it's all in my outlook - and expectations. I know it will be tough. My lab work came back this past week and I have to double my chemo. Now. Yuck. More stomach upset. More fatigue. Less energy.

But what about the good stuff? My sweet Emily just turned 7! SEVEN! Wow! We have been through so much with her health and what a blessing that she is strong and smart and sweet. Eric and I are in our 13th year of marriage - and that is definitely a testament to God being faithful! Daniel is full of energy and humor, Eric has a job, he has started treatment for his autoimmune disease, we have a roof over our head, we have health insurance, we have a loving family, amazing friends, we have never gone hungry - been culinarily creative, but never hungry.

We are in for a great year, not because we 'deserve it', but because we need it. I have this sense of 'pulling up my bootstraps' and taking it on. I am tired of being in survival mode. I want to LIVE in 2009. Not merely survive. That is my prayer for 2009. That we live life to the fullest, take things in stride, and - again - choose joy.

God is good. Life's not perfect. 2009 is gonna be great.

Understanding Faith

2008-12-17T05:52:00.000-08:00

"The third is the gift of faith. We can believe in Him – for life, for love, and for the power to overcome. Power to overcome even death. This gift requires trust, and helps us get through every day, every circumstance, and every period of trouble. It is a gift that offers a holy hand to hold and a holy shoulder to cry on. A gift that holds the answers of hope and joy."

The quoted paragraph above is an excerpt from the Proverbs 31 devotions for December 17th, 2008 by Tracie Miles. Go to http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com to read the entire entry - it is based on John 3:16 -"For God so loved the world (us) that He gave His one and only begotten son (Jesus), so that whoever believes in Him may not perish but have everlasting life."

Where am I going with this??

I have received many comments and e-mails regarding my attitude in dealing with the trials life has dished out to us. I want to make sure everyone understands that I have my moments - and days - that are really ugly. I get angry. I cry. I doubt. It brings my heart joy to know that I can be an encouragement to others even in my humanness and that Jesus is using my circumstances to perhaps bring joy or peace or understanding to others. Do I wish I didn't have to go through this? Absolutely! But as I have learned from past sufferings we have endured - there are always rewards we would not have received had we gone down an easier road. Many times it is a new friend I cannot imagine living my life without. But all of it is a process and my ultimate goal is to lean on Christ. Much of the time I succeed, but we can never fully understand or wrap our brains around suffering and what we see as injustice. We can only cling to the Saviour and strive to be the child he desires us to be, but in the end it is only death that gives us the perfect, sinless life that HE originally intended.

My hope and prayer for you today is that you know Him. If you already have a relationship with Him, grow it. If you do not -ask for one. He is there ready and waiting to help you through all of your tough spots too. I know that I would probably have killed myself long ago if I didn't know that He was watching out for me and wanted the absolute best for me. He cries when I cry. He laughs when I laugh. He holds me up and promises to never leave me or forsake me. The best Best friend you can have. John 10:10 says, "The thief (Satan)comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus)came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." Not so we can trudge through - but have an abundant, joy-filled life.

Joy and happiness are not the same. Joy is knowing that there is more to this life, no matter your circumstances. Happiness is a feeling dependent on circumstances. Since many of my circumstances are outside my scope of 'control' - I am going to choose joy =) Joy in the family and friends I have, joy in the weather - whether it is snow or rain or a sunny 70 degrees, joy in the Christmas lights, joy in giving the perfect gift at Christmas, joy at the picture my child draws just for me, joy in wearing party dresses over our jammies on an 'ice day', joy in an 'unconditional-love' hug from my 2-yr old. Joy. Find it. It is there - sometimes you have to just forget all the other 'crap' around you and live for that one moment. It helps to not eat you alive.

I hope you can truly celebrate the gift that is Jesus this Christmas season and accept the presents He has wrapped up - just for you.

Triann

A Moving Story - Literally - Part 2 (The Fires)

2008-12-08T03:34:00.000-08:00

SO we left off with the wee hours of October 21st. The night before, the thick smoke from the fire in Ramona - a small town 15-20 miles from us -started rolling in. It was an eerie feeling, but everyone - friends, media, law enforcement - were telling us it was OK and that there was no way, at least not any time soon, that the fire would head our way. Well, Eric was part facinated and part concerned about the fires, so he stayed up ALL night Sunday night watching the fire coverage as it creeped closer and closer to our area. Finally they reported it was across the valley from us, but we still hadn't been ordered to evacuate. Eric called the hotline and asked about our zip code and they told us to stay put until we received our reverse 911 call alerting us to the fact that it was time to go. Well, the night before I had packed an overnight bag for all of us -a change of clothes, important medicine, laptops with our pictures, etc. Never in a million years would I have thought we would not return to our home! I would have stuffed the van all night to the gills! But I am getting ahead of myself... Around 4AM Eric had had enough and went to throw the few things I had gathered into the van and I had a feeling it was time to go so I went and got Emily, put her in her wheelchair and at that moment Eric ran back into the house and said 'we are leaving - NOW!' One of us grabbed Daniel from his crib and the other grabbed Emily and we raced to the car that he left running in front of our building. I never could have been prepared for what I experienced at that moment. Sheer panic - True fear for my life and that of my children. THe hills surrounding our apartment complex were up in flames - and I am talking WALLS of fire - something out of a movie - and the wind was so fierce it was blowing dense smoke and burning embers though the parking lot. It was too think to breathe as we raced to get the kids buckeld into their car seats and head out. We were in a community of houses, condos and the one apartment complex. Typically we had three gates available to come and go out of, but this morning there was only one. One gate was not working - perhaps because of electricity issues, the other gate had a burning tree across it! All of the people in the complex had to slowly file out of ONE gate! I seriously did not know if we would get out of the complex alive. I was terrified and I NEVER want to experience anything like that again. Being surrounded by fire and not knowing if you will burn alive in your car with your husband and your kids? No one needs to experience that in life - trust me. This probably sounds over dramatic, but Eric would agree with me and he is very level headed! =)
We obviously made it out alive, but it was a slow, fire filled drive to the red cross shelter. I could tell so many stories from our fire saga, but I will do that another time.
Now we were homeless (the apartment - amazingly - did not burn down, but the smoke and ash damage was so bad we were forced to move. Nearly everything in the garage was a total loss and our belongings went to be cleaned. It took over 2 months to get our clothing, bedding, and linens back from the fire restoration company because they were so overwhelmed with clients. Eric had just started back to work only to have work shut down for the week because of the fires and now we had to find a new place to live. Emily and I were both having trouble breathing because of the smoke we had inhaled that morning and the air quality was so bad we just couldn't quit the coughing, so the kids and I flew to Portland to stay with my family while Eric worked and searched for another place to live. He finally located, with the help of a realtor, a condo that would, for the most part, meet our needs - especially that of Emily's. After a month in the beautiful Northwest and 2 rounds of meds in order to combat the Pnuemonia Emily and I came down with, we flew back down to smogy - i mean, sunny - San Diego. What a tough fall!!

The Art of Being Thankful

2008-11-30T05:59:00.000-08:00

Last night - Thanksgiving #3 - the family tradition was to go around the table and say what we are thankful for. Unfortunately, I was last. Why I didn't volunteer to go first? The same reason I was such a mess going last. Fear! I have SO much to be thankful for this year. Numerous scenarios in my life playing through my head of blessings in my life, but to say them out loud? Not my forte. Now, I was in debate club and I can speak on a given topic and argue with the best of them, but to share my heart - Something personal - too much to ask. I pondered most of the night why I can't get what is in my heart and head to come out of my mouth. Fear, yes. But fear of what? I think it boils down to being vulnerable. Putting myself in a position of 'risk'. As I think of this, I have no idea where that insecurity stems from. I can't even pray out loud! I know that, on some level,is related. Guess it is now on my list to work on. Because I really need another thing to work on =)
The written word I can do. I was big into journaling growing up and blogging is just a grown up (public) journal, right?

SO here is my I am thankful for list, that I completely botched last night. (Apparently I also have an issue with the need to redeem myself)

I am Thankful for my health. As crazy as that may sound, it could be SO much worse. I am thankful that Daniel jumped on me and the doctors found the tumor when they did.I am thankful to the many wonderful doctors I have, Eric has ,and Emily has. I am thankful that Eric was finally diagnosed and is now on a treatment that is giving him his life back. I am thankful for the school Emily attends and the amazing people who care for her there. I am thankful for the many friends and family that have jumped in and have sacrificed to help my family in this crazy, uncertain time.

I am thankful to have friends that feel like family to spend the holiday with when our family is so far away. I am thankful for a place Eric and I can go to be refreshed and the kiddos to 'run wild'. I am thankful that Daniel can experience a variety of new things and that Emily has a wonderful friend to share and play with. I am thankful that Eric and I can experience new things, have new wonderful friends to play with, and can - occasionally - 'run wild' too.

I am thankful for just about anything involving chocolate. I am thankful for our house and our vehicle and our freedom. I am thankful for my friends who encourage and support me no matter what - they are truly the hands and feet Jesus.

I am thankful for my beautiful children. The joy they bring to my life, the lessons they teach me, and their capability for unconditional love.
I am thankful for my incredible husband of 13 years. I could not go through this life without him, and God knew that. I am thankful for his sense of humor, his random knowledge of all things, his ability to relax, his love for the Lord and his desire to continue to grow in his relationship with Christ and always striving to be a better husband and a better dad. He is an inspiration to me.

Now I am about to cry and I don't do that well either - especially not in front of others.

I am thankful for the prayers of those we know and those we don't. I am thankful for another day here on earth. With my family. With my friends.

I am thankful my family will be here for Christmas.
I am thankful it is eggnog season - because it brings my husband joy! =)

I am thankful for so many things I could never list them all. But I do feel better having an opportunity to 'say' what is on my heart, even when I can't speak.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Triann

Chemo Update

2008-11-22T08:11:00.000-08:00

Last night I went up to 3 chemo pills. A lot of the strife is mental. Every time I go up I really struggle with not wanting to do it. Like an internal temper tantrum. It's not fair, it's not fair! Next week I will be up to four pills and I will stay there until my lab results come back to see how much is staying in my system. My levels of chemo and levels of steroid (because of the adrenal gland issue) will be analyzed each month. I am really tired, but I have also been sick, so it is tough to know what is the chemo and what is recovery from surgery and what is being sick with the crud! But my nauseousness has gotten better. A lot better, which is wonderful! My appetite is still low, but I don't think that is a bad thing - I would like to stay in my new size 6 pants! =)

Health Update

2008-11-20T19:16:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry to all of you who are waiting for part 2 of our Moving Story. I have been really under the weather. I finally went to the doctor and now am on antibiotics for a Sinus Infection and Bronchitis! All that to say it will be a few more days until I get part 2 posted. Sorry for the delay.

Weekend of Rest

2008-11-16T06:34:00.000-08:00

We are having a fabulous time away this weekend. We are visiting with Eric's parents and their long-time friends who live in Tyler. The kids are having a blast running around outside, playing with all the new-to-them toys in the playroom and having 4 'grandparents' at their disposal. Which is a welcome break for Eric and I! Eric's Dad has especially been looking forward to visiting us so that he could take Daniel to get his first pair of cowboy boots. And Daniel LOVES them -what's not to love about John Deere and Camouflage?. I must say, for being a city girl, they are pretty cute on him. (Once I figure out how to post pictures, I'll put one up!). So while Grandpa Dennis and the boys were getting boots for Daniel, Grandma Jody and the girls were finding boots for Emily. And did the girls find boots! Emily now has a lively pink pair of cowgirl boots with more bling than I thought was possible. Silver sparkling emblems, and light up stars all up and down the side. She was thrilled - tickled pink, silver, and light up stars to be exact! She insisted that she wear them to bed last night! =) All in all a successful footwear outing - complete with eggnog lattes from Starbucks.
I am off to eat a homemade breakfast of pancakes and bacon - yum!

Sick Humor

2008-11-13T18:02:00.000-08:00

I awoke looking forward to a day of rest, but a day of rest I did not get. I finally got around to eating breakfast this morning about 9AM - rice chex with milk, sounds harmless, right? But my second bite was fatal for my tooth. I lost an onlay (like a partial crown) on one of my back teeth. I actually pulled it off with a caramel early September and they put some temporary glue on it until I could have it fixed 'for real'. Needless to say, I've been a little pre-occupied. I REALLY did not want to go to the dentist today! But to the dentist I went. They used a stronger glue because of my sob story and I scheduled to come back later this month to have it permanently repaired. They began giving me my options as to the type of crowns I can order to replace the onlay and the one they recommend is a lava porcelain. Their big selling point was that it comes with a lifetime guarantee. I just about laughed out loud. Will I get my money's worth? Is that really a smart investment under the circumstances? Is it like going to a buffet after having your braces tightened? You KNOW you're not going to have anything you can't drink through a straw! Where is the value in that?
Hopefully you find it humorous with me. Some of you - like my mother - will probably find it morbid.
I still think it's kind of funny =)

A Moving Story - Literally - Part One (does that scare you?)

2008-11-12T20:36:00.000-08:00

Through this latest bit of The Benson Saga we have been reconnecting with many friends we haven't seen in a while - some in a LONG while! My friend Tracy had a brilliant idea - another reason I miss her - that I put it on my blog how we ended up in Texas, rather than responding to each inquiry individually. Although cut-and-paste in the e-mail would work! =) But this is less time consuming.

Setting the Stage
February 2006 Daniel was born - he was a sweet, cranky baby. He was c-section and they could hear him screaming long before he was removed. All the nurses on the maternity ward knew when it was Daniel - you could hear him down the hall - and don't think it got any better when we headed home. He cried and screamed nearly 24 hrs a day, only slept very short periods of time and had big issues eating. Earlier that year Eric had taken a new position with the mortgage company he had started working for in 2002. With the new position he could work from home some of the time when he was not traveling. They didn't require a lot of travel and we were thrilled with the new arrangement. A few months later the company was 'acquired'. It was a summer of the unknown. Whether or not he would keep his job as they sorted out who would be merged into the new company and what exactly that would look like. One of the biggest upsets was the cut in pay - the new company did offer him a position, but at HALF the salary he was making before - ouch! At the time Eric felt it best to ride out the pains of the merger to be triumphant on the other side. Ultimately a good decision as we look back over the last two years, but certainly not an easy road. He was able to keep his seniority and a few other things that made it worth it for him to stay there and see what happened. The biggest change was that this company had him on the road EVERY week! SO here I was with a 4 year old little girl (I will blog about sweet Emily later) and a screaming infant and a husband who was lucky to be home for 48 hours on the weekend - often less than that. This went on for months while we tried to figure out if we could afford to stay in our house with the extra expenses of baby 2 and the dramatic cut in pay. The answer was a blaring NO - but how do I put the house on the market, when I can't even get a shower in? I didn't know - so I resorted to brownies. LOTS of Them! They were my comfort food. And I needed A LOT of comfort in those crazy days! =)

By the late fall of 2006 the new company was asking Eric to take a position at their corporate headquarters in San Diego. It would nearly eliminate his travel and we could be a family again. They would not raise his base salary, but made promises of bonuses and promotions if he made the move. We never thought we would leave the Northwest, especially now that we had kids and all of our family was within an hour of each other, but after much prayer and deliberation we made the leap. We had one fiasco after the other trying to sell the house - like a tree coming through the roof the weekend the For Sale sign was up! Was this a sign we weren't supposed to go through with it - or a hurry yourself up and get out of here warning?!

Anyway, we ended up selling our home in Vancouver and heading down to San Diego the weekend after Daniel turned One. We were excited to be together as a family and were looking forward to enjoying the southern California weather and beaches. Three days after we signed the lease on our apartment, the mortgage industry crashed. All bonuses and promotions were halted until things 'leveled out'. Ha! That left us in an expensive area with no money and wondering if we had heard God correctly. Yes, we still felt strongly that we were to be there so we made the best of it. And God did provide. Every time we thought we couldn't make it one more day, something would come through, whether it was a tax return or a reimbursement check we were able to plug along. Bottom line was that San Diego is beautiful and we needed to just enjoy being there as a family for the time being! The area offered a lot of recreation opportunities for Emily (who is in a wheelchair) and it was SO wonderful to see her involved in sports and being able to be more independent.

Fast forward to August 2007 (are you keeping up with me?). 1st day of Kindergarten, I am dropping Emily off - nervously- at public school, taking the 1st day pictures, and I get a phone call from Eric. His company just shut down the entire retail division. 1600 laid off. Eric one of them. OK God. Now what. Emily just started school. We are at a church we love. We are already broke. Our family is 2 states away. What else do you want from us? More trust. More faith. OK. Eric and I still felt we were being told to stay put. Eric put his full time energy into searching for a new job - obviously - and although he was open to positions outside of the area, his main focus was San Diego. He had many interviews -feeling really good about so many and yet nothing was coming through. It was easy for us to say 'the right one just hasn't come yet' and quite another thing to try and not FREAK OUT about our situation. But it was good for Eric to spend some one on one time with Daniel - especially since he had basically missed 8 months of his life and I'm sure there were other pluses, I just can't recall them at the moment =)

Finally, in October, an offer came in to work in the IT department of the same company that laid him off. Are you crazy??? Why would he go back there? But the reality of the fact that unemployment was only enough to cover our rent and we were emptying any account/resource we had to pay cobra (health insurance) and taking change from the kids piggy banks to buy milk...let's just say that desperate times call for desperate measures! Now, I want to be certain to let you know that our parents were helping us out as well, but we never let them know exactly how dire our circumstances were. Mostly a Pride issue (something I think has been a theme in this journey because any remainder of it is currently being beaten out of us!)but also if they really knew how bad it was they probably would have flown down and taken the kids back with them! And given us lectures at length about why we needed to high tail it back home. But that is NOT what we were supposed to be doing, so we endured and trusted -most of the time =)
Eric took the IT position with their full understanding that there was an offer from another company he was still holding out for and that if it came through, he would be out of there. They told him that it didn't matter how long he was there, they wanted him back. Praise God! They started him right away so we would have health insurance through the company Nov 1st. That alone was worth the risk - even though I was still having my reservations. He started back to work on Thursday, October 17th. In the wee hours of Monday, October 21st we fled our home amidst the flames of the San Diego 'Wild' Fires.
Check in for Part 2 later!

Out of Practice

2008-11-10T12:10:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day I have been alone with Daniel for any length of time and I am tired! Pain wise I am doing fine - I don't need to pick him up and he has been such a good kid. I'm just used to being able to rest anytime I want to! =) It is nice to feel a little more independent, but that is a little intimidating at the same time!
It is a cool, windy, rainy day here and I love it! Reminds me of 'home'.
A friend of mine helped me pick EM up from school today. Eric has tomorrow off, so that works perfectly. Grandma Jody and Grandpa Dennis will be back Wednesday and that will take care of the rest of the week - perfect!

Headed Home

2008-11-07T06:55:00.000-08:00

We have had - overall- a good week. A couple of really long days at the hospital and a couple of days to play as a family. I am exhausted!! We are packing up and getting ready to head back to Dallas. We need to swing by the hospital one more time and pick up my stack of prescriptions. The short summary is that I will be starting a chemotherapy specific to adrenal cancer (actually the only option currently available) called Mitotane. Because it attacks both the unhealthy adrenal cells and the healthy adrenal cells, I will also need to be on steroids to counteract the damage to the adrenal gland I do have. I will have blood work done monthly to monitor different levels in my system and will be returning to Houston in February for another series of CT Scans and to follow up with the doctor again.
The primary side effects are fatigue, nausea, and general GI upset. There is a long list of yucky things that are possible - my specific concern lies in the neurological issues that may arise - that would be a specific prayer request - that I can avoid those problems! (Eric's blog has more medical detail if you want to check it out - emsdaddy.blogspot.com)

My pain from surgery is SO much better. I am getting around fairly well also. It will still be a couple of weeks before I can be caring for the kids on my own, but it is encouraging to see how much progress I have made in the last week!

Thank you again to all of you who have been praying for us, who gave support in our trip down here (Marriott points and donations), treats for the kids and us, and help with our medical expenses. All of it it SO appreciated and an amazing blessing. It has reduced our stress in this situation beyond anything measurable. THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Triann

Well, now I know.

2008-11-04T05:55:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in life we have concerns and fears that are unreasonable, other times they are completely valid. Yesterday one of my great concerns was validated. Probably, in the scheme of things, it's not that big of deal, but I would like to avoid that kind of experience if at all possible. Lucky for me I have a chance to repeat it Wednesday!
When I went in to deliver Emily via c-section (almost 7 years ago) part of the surgery prep was to swab me down with Iodine. I had informed them that my Dad is horribly allergic to Iodine (as in anaphylactic shock) and that I had concerns. But they chose to go with the Iodine anyway. After having a large portion of my body covered in blistering hives, I can now state that I am truly allergic to Iodine. Thus far, I haven't had to compromise on the Iodine issue. I simply state that we will not go there. Yesterday that all changed. The doctor convinced me that IV Iodine and topical Iodine are not the same thing and that he would REALLY like me to try for the CT contrast. The big deal is that they need to know if there are any other 'hot spots' of cancer cells and the CT with contrast is the best way to check. Being very motivated to have as much information as possible so we can beat this thing, I said OK. They gave me a little bit of Benedryl in my IV prior to the test to guard against a reaction - ha! It is fortunate that they took that precaution, but it did not allow me to go through the procedure unscathed. When they started my contrast my throat immediately tightened. I was trying to stay calm, reassuring myself that, yes, I could still breathe. And swallow - kind of. When they came to check on me I alerted them to the fact that not all was right and they commented on how red I appeared. When I got up from the scanning table they had me check the mirror to see if I felt I was a different color than when I came in. YES! Bright red head to toe and swallowing was getting more difficult - not easier. After 'observing' me for another 20 minutes or so and forcing insane amounts of water down my throat, they called the doctor to order more Benedryl. Finally, my throat relaxed enough that I was somewhat OK with going 'home'! We didn't get back to the hotel until after midnight - making it a more than 12 hour - relatively exciting - day. I am supposed to have another CT scan with contrast today, but we have to reschedule it for Wednesday so that I can go through 'pre-treatment' with steroids to avoid, hopefully, a similar reaction on the next scan. Yikes!

Overall yesterday was a good experience and I am glad we are down here with doctors that are informed and caring. I could do without the extra excitement though!
Since I have today 'off' now, we are going to go and enjoy the day with the kids - perhaps at the zoo. I could use a fun distraction - and some more pictures for scrapbooking!

Thank you all for your prayers.
Triann

Happy Pumpkin Day

2008-10-31T14:43:00.000-07:00

We have never been a big Halloween family. I love that my kids have no idea that they are 'supposed' to go and Trick or Treat. Yes, they do enjoy getting dressed up, and would certainly never refuse candy, but if we didn't do it, it wouldn't be missed.
That being said, I think Eric will try to take them to a couple of neighbors we know and we will take the cute pictures - you can NEVER have too many of those! (says the scrapbooker Mom) Our house is decorated for fall (thanks to a couple of wonderful friends) and we can continue with this decor for the remainder of November - yea!
As much as I am trying to stay away from sugar (a Whole Foods trip is planned to find SOMETHING to satisfy my sweet tooth) I am certain I will not make it through fall without a loaf of my Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Bread! Yum-O! A few years ago I tried to make a 'healthy' version of this recipe - let's just say that you can't replace every ingredient with a healthier substitution and come out with something that tastes as good - or is even edible! Maybe just a slice - or two - of the real thing. =)

A Recap...

2008-10-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

Is it too early to be tired of being tired? I think yes.
But I promised a recap of events, so here it is.
September 30th - Eric and I were planning on celebrating our 13 years of marriage, but it ended up as a family event in the ER instead. I had been having severe pain in my right side and it was getting tough to breathe. After lab work at the doctor's office and an ultrasound that afternoon, the Dr called and said for me to head to the ER. That can't be good, can it? Nope.
I had both kids in tow and called and requested Eric take an early departure from work to meet me at the hospital. Earlier that day, while waiting for the doctor to come in and see me, I recollected an incident that may have contributed to my current pain. Sunday afternoon the kids and I were playing in their room when I laid down on my back and closed my eyes for a second - never a safe choice with 2 small children. My youngest, a very active two year-old, took that opportunity to pounce on me - right below the rib cage. Fast forward to Tuesday in the exam room contemplating the events and realizing that I really hadn't felt right since then. Loss of appetite, pain, etc. Hmmm...
After the MRI in the emergency room, plus more lab work, they finally came in to tell us what they had found. I was hoping it was a simple gall bladder issue - I don't really need one of those, right? But what the doctor told us, I could never have been prepared for. They had discovered a very large tumor on my adrenal gland and I would need to stay in the hospital until it was taken care of. One of the blessings was the 'pouncing event' from Sunday. Across the board the doctors felt that when my son jumped on me it caused the tumor to hemorrhage (bleed inside the tumor - as was found on the scans) which increased the size of the tumor enough for me to take notice -therefore getting this thing out of me when they did!
I kept telling myself that I couldn't freak out until it was removed and analyzed - which was nearly 2 weeks later. Then they did come back with news worthy of freaking out. I am, for the most part, OK. I worry most about my kids and how much I want to be around to see them grow up. I believe that even with the diagnosis of Adrenal Cancer, that is still possible. With God, ALL things are possible. A friend of mine recently shared her interpretation of the events this month - Cancer was not God's will for my life - and we found it in time for the entire tumor to be removed and to deal with it now. Not later. Now. More Hope. More time.

Cookies from Heaven

2008-10-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

My posts won't be in chronological order for awhile, but I still feel like I need to get some of my 'God Moments' out there even if they aren't in order =)
I'm not sure if it was day 1 or day 3 in the hospital, but I spent most of the afternoon craving homemade chocolate chip cookies. Probably for their comfort food factor!
Having been in Dallas such a short time, there wasn't anyone I could call and make that request of. So I just kept hoping for the impossible.
Right around 5pm one of the ladies from my Bible Study (we had only been meeting for about 3 weeks) came by to see me. Wow, a visitor! And with her she had HOMEMADE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES! Made fresh that morning and she listened to the prompting of the Holy Spirit (my interpretation) and grabbed some off the cookie sheet and tied them with a sweet little ribbon and delivered them to my hospital room! Straight from God in my opinion. It was just what I needed. Not just the solution to my sweet tooth dilemma, but the reassurance that God is with me. He cares about EVERY detail. Even chocolate chip cookies! He is in the details. If He can deliver me fresh Homemade Chocolate Chip Cookies via angels here on earth, He can handle the rest as well =) Faith is a gift. Faith is a blessing. Faith is what gets me through each day.

A New Start

2008-10-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

I am moving my carebridges posts over to blogspot...
patience while I transition =)
Today is a good day so far. I am trying to hang out with the family in Eric's recliner. Eric made a great breakfast and we are enjoying a lazy day in Jammies. Daniel and I have been up since before 6. I hope that means we get to take an early nap!

Our helpers this week have been amazing. Each new crew brings something different to the table. All wonderful things that are perfect in their timing.

We are tentatively scheduled for MD Anderson on November 3rd. We will be down there for at least a week. As much as I hate to pull Em out of school, I think it will be best for the family to go together. The kiddos have enough trauma this past month, having both Eric and I gone might be their undoing.

I am looking forward to having a treatment plan in place and getting an education on what diet recommendations are. I am trying to eliminate sugar for the time being, but am finding that to be nearly impossible.

Will keep you posted...
Triann

Hope On!

2008-10-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

Romans 15:13 - One of my many messages from God this month. I am currently doing a Beth Moore study on the Patriarchs and we are covering a large portion of Genesis (the first book in the Old Testament). The morning after I was admitted into the hospital, via the ER, Eric brought me a few things I had requested from home. My Bible Study book was among those things. What a great opportunity to spend some extra time with God - the One who sees me. I picked up where I had left off a few days beforehand, which happened to be in the middle of the lesson. It was to look up Romans 15:13 and record what it says. "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
WOW! Talk about God meeting me where I was. Oh how I needed to hear those words. I read it every day - several times a day - as a reminder that God is with me. He cares. He is my Hope, my source of joy and peace in a scary and uncertain situation.
I hope you are encouraged by those words as well today. Hope On dear friends! Hope On!

Surprise!

2008-10-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

Life is full of surprises...unfortunately, they are not always welcome surprises. I am home from the hospital -finally - and starting to feel a little more like myself again. Eventually I will write a summary of events that led me to this place, but it may take a few days for me to post it. I thank all of you for your prayers and support. Apparently, this journey has just begun. Is it possible to be on several journeys at one time? Or are our paths lined up next to each other and we are alone on our own path, with our family members' paths side by side holding each other up? I will have to contemplate that some more...