I have to brag...and tell on myself.

FYI - my main cancer fighting journal has been moved to www.caringbridge.org/visit/triannbenson

Now that we have 'business' out of the way...

Isn't my new background totally cute??
The BEST part?
I figured out how to import the template all by myself!!
Yea me!
Typically I simply wait until Eric can do it for me, but Patience isn't my middle name - nor is it my first - THANK YOU Mom and Dad!!
Seriously, that was an option.
God knew I couldn't do justice to such a name. Ha!

Now for the telling on myself...
The lamp in the kids' room hasn't been working, so I thought I would investigate.
It appeared that the piece that the light-bulb screwed into was a little loose.
So, like an IDIOT, I thought I would simply adjust it. Possibly the first time I have electrocuted myself in adult life - or ever. I still have goose bumps.
Perhaps this is one of those times I should use my emergency adrenalin.
Probably not.
I'll ask the doctor at my next visit...he'll just love that, I'm sure.
I NEVER want to experience a shock like that again!
Glad it was me and not one of the kids. Ugh.

Actually, I'm wondering the difference between shock and electrocution.
Is it voltage? Or how much your head tingles?

Christmas fun and craziness for today:
Santa with the kids. (Emily's therapy place offers a sign-up time to go see Santa with their siblings so you don't have to wait in line. Thought it might be nice to take advantage of...)
Cookie Exchange at a dear friend's house.
Dinner with new friends.
Bible Study at church -more friends!
How great is that??

All things I am looking forward to - must schedule in a nap though!
And perhaps get off the computer and get into the shower.

By the way...it is FREEZING here!
How is it possible for the temperature to go DOWN when the sun comes UP?
Current temperature? 28 degrees!
I need to find my gloves. Mom and Dad sent coats just in time!
I need to figure in time to shop for gloves for Daniel. He has outgrown his mittens and is currently wearing a spare pair of Emily's gloves. Don't tell him that. They are solid black, but still...
I'm thinking the stretchy $1 kind from Target...perhaps I can splurge and buy the CARS or Spiderman ones for $4.99. You know we will most likely require more than one set to get through the winter with him. Playgrounds across Plano will be sporting lonely gloves, I can see it now. We'll have to see what they have when I get there.
Plus, both kids have birthday parties to attend this week. One on Sunday and one on Wednesday.

God does provide. The week of Thanksgiving when I checked out at Target, the little coupon thing that spit out of the machine was for a $20 gift card for new or transferred prescriptions! Well, all of our meds are already at Target. Except one. However, I had to wait for Eric to go to the doctor to get the written script (his doctor's rule). In the meantime, I cleaned out my purse and put the coupon in a 'safe place'. Read: I lost it!! I prayed all day yesterday that I would find it.
And I did! In a most unlikely place, of course.
How awesome is God?
SMALL thing for Him, BIG thing for us.
Extremely thankful we still have an RX that isn't at Target and especially thankful that I will get $20 to use at Target!!
For those of you in other areas of the country, our Targets are Super Targets, which means they also carry groceries. Very nice! Think Fred Meyer, but bigger.

OK, enough yakking at you. Have a blessed day and stay warm!
Perhaps curl up with Hot Cocoa and watch Elf.
Think I can fit that in today? Didn't think so...maybe tomorrow.

Triann

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I have SO much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. First of all - I'm still here!
My family, my friends, my husband has a job, kids are in good schools, and the list goes on.

We had great friends in town for Thanksgiving - missing them the moment they pulled out of the driveway!

Then a second Thanksgiving with an amazing 'adopted' family and friends in Tyler.

Well, we are FINALLY over whatever crud it was that took hold of our household for most of September and October! Yea God!

Emily has had numerous appointments in Fort Worth. It has been tough emotionally and physically draining as well. She is doing OK overall, but we have a lot headed our way I believe. Please keep Em in your prayers.

I have decided to go back over to the Caringbridge site to keep everyone updated on my fight against Adrenal Cancer. Primarily because I have heard feedback that people would like to have the notifications sent to their inboxes.
You can follow my 'journey' at www.caringbridge.org/visit/triannbenson and sign up for updates.

I will keep this site up as well, but have more family stuff and less cancer stuff.

Triann

Prayers Please...

I know nearly everyone, everywhere is sick right about now!
It's tough when it hits home, though! Aches, chills, fevers, coughing, ugh!
We are all suffering to some extent. Both kids will be out of school for the week. The bright side is, the state of my house is MUCH worse than prior to the family being down - for five days now - which means it must not have been as bad as I thought it was beforehand ;)
Hubby seemed to be the least affected and I so appreciated the fact that he used the energy he did have to take over meals, etc for everybody! He even made a new batch of J-ello before he left this morning! Go Eric!

That being said...I recommend you check your back-stock of things like boxed J-ello, Toilet Paper, Kleenex, etc. I am now realizing that I was horribly low on all fronts. I am hoping we make it through the day till Eric get's home on the half a roll of toilet paper and half a box of Kleenex and one small box of J-ello. I think sometimes it doesn't pay to shop at Costco. I buy, what, 48 rolls of toilet paper at a time? I stash half in each bathroom, so I am always 'assuming' that the other bathroom must have more TP. Um. Wrong. And a bad week to be wrong! Ugh...
If only I had realized that yesterday when Eric was still home helping us out! It's humorous until we truly run out! =)

Enough about J-ello and Toilet paper...

Eric is loving his job.

Emily is excelling in so many areas of school - in fact her math scores just sky rocketed from the last time she was tested. Her teacher is a perfect fit for her.
I am thrilled that we are at the 'new' school that had me so stressed. =)

Daniel LOVES school! And he has such great teachers. We are so blessed to have him in such a terrific pre-school!

And I'm still here =)

TTFN!
Triann

CELEBRATE!!!

So many things to celebrate and be thankful for!
It's gonna be a short post today because I have been sick for two weeks (cold/sinus stuff on top of my 'normal' sick)

However...I couldn't let the 30th of September go by unnoticed!!

Wednesday, September 30th, Eric and I celebrated 14 years of marriage!

It was also the one-year 'anniversary' of being admitted into the hospital and finding out I had a ginormous tumor. Some may think that's nothing to celebrate, but it was truly a miracle that it was discovered as soon as it was. My chances of being here awhile are increased significantly because of that!

Prayers that the cancer continues to stay away with the chemo and that I can tolerate the chemo...having a tough time with that one.

Overall we have much to sing praises about!

Thank you for being on this journey with us. =)

Triann

Two Weddings and A Funeral

I am laughing at myself, by myself...so I had to share. The kids just wouldn't appreciate this!

I just sent an e-mail to a friend from long ago and then read of another friends' anniversary today...the two together got me thinking about the TWO weddings Eric and I were very late to - I know for certain who the one wedding was for, but cannot remember the other - will have to get Eric's input on that.
And then there was that funeral...but I am getting ahead of myself!

On all three occasions it was a matter of "Which church?" "oh, OK, that one" Ya. so NOT the right church!! UGH. Nor the right Funeral Home!!

The weddings we figured out before leaving our vehicle. One because, as we were doing our s-l-o-w drive-by, the wedding party and all the other wedding guests were seated at the reception, looking out of the big glass windows wondering 'who the heck missed the wedding?'

Oh dear me!

The funeral was the kicker though!
Eric used to work for a friend in construction in HS and dangled off of many a building in Vancouver...well, after being certain that he and his mother's stories were straight about what funeral home he fell off of, we headed that way.
However, we were not just attending this funeral, Eric was in charge of the music. We raced to the funeral home, saw a car out front (a light turquoise, mind you) that was the exact car his Aunt had been driving, pulled to a stop and ran in...things were already getting started and he shoved the CD into the hands of the person in charge and said they needed to play this! The man looked confused, but took it anyway...we headed to the chapel. On the way in someone handed us a bulletin (I know that's not what it's called, but I can't think of the word) but you don't read those until you are seated, right? All of the sudden I stop in my tracks in full panic. A COFFIN! Jody PROMISED me there would NOT be an open casket! And there it was - you HAD to go past the body to get to a seat! I turn around to head out and Eric follows...in the foyer I look down at the 'bulletin' and realize that this is NOT the person we are supposed to be giving our last respects to! Dang! Now we have to quickly march back into the funeral directors office, urgently request the CD back that we insisted he play and race around downtown Vancouver until we find the correct Chapel. Also, with the same turquoise vehicle parked out front!! So not our fault!
I hope someone else finds this funny!

THANK YOU!!

SO...I am trying to get a few things unpacked around here and am finding Thank You notes that have been written and not mailed, lists of thanks you's to be written, etc.
Ugh! I have the best of intentions.

I want to take this opportunity to say

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

to everyone that has helped us pack, unpack, fold clothes, watched the kids, brought us dinner, sent a card, helped us financially, given gifts to the children, taken them on playdates, done crafts with them, prayed for us, lent an ear to listen, brought me Starbucks, cleaned my kitchen, or anything else to lift our spirits and help us in tangible ways. You have ALL been blessings to us and your kindness has meant the world to us.

I am truly sorry if you have not felt appreciated - believe me, you are!

Triann, Eric, Emily, and Daniel

Happy Birthday to Me!

Ok...I'm a few days late in this post, but I have been down most of the week.

I have never been so happy to be older!!
Battling cancer sure changes ones view of birthdays!

Really any event or non-event. I want to take it all in and many days I just can't. Then I feel guilty for missing the moments and try to make it up by pushing too hard. (Catalina, you know this one too well don't you??)
Anyway... I am thrilled to be here to experience 35 and I hope to continue experiencing the joys of getting older for decades to come!

My hubby (and kiddos) COMPLETELY spoiled me this year! I wish I had felt better - we are going to have a do-over on the cake once I am up to it =)

On another note, Daniel is having HUGE separation anxiety issues with going back to school and having a new sitter. And it is looking like we will be looking - again - for another sitter. Which means more interviews - it is SO draining! please pray for us on this one!

I have been down almost a week and it is getting old!
I *need* to get my house unpacked, organized, and de-cluttered ASAP. Not because I feel like I 'should", but because I know it would be more calming for myself and my family. That is a number one priority once I feel better. One room at a time...
If I keep watching 'Clean House' I am hopeful I can let go of more and more stuff that we truly don't need. Great homework for those of us with too much stuff!

Fall is my FAVORITE season! I have already started making things with canned pumpkin! And enjoying my pumpkin candle! It is time to bat my eyes and ask Eric to dig out my fall decorations! =)

TTFN!
Triann

I Cried, I Laughed...

I know that's not how the saying goes, but that's how my life went last week.
The Bible assures us that God works all things together for good for those who love Him, but it still always AMAZES me how God does that...

Eric's motorcycle was totaled by insurance.(blog more on that later)
Then, when I didn't have anything pressing to worry about I stressed for TWO HOURS about whether or not I was being a good steward of of our money by buying the pre-sliced cheese rather than the brick!
(Tillamook, of course. Praise the Lord at least I can get cheese from home!)

After a call to a girlfriend and a reality check, I added the sliced cheese to my mini list for Costco. When I got there.. you know what? There was an 80 cent difference in price. EIGHTY CENTS! Absolutely not worth my anguish over it and DEFINITELY worth the price. Now...some of you may be saying, 'why in the world does she need sliced cheese and why is it that big of a deal?' Well...it's not just about having the energy to slice the cheese. It's washing the knife and board and getting up again and again for the requests of another slice. It's about the fact that the kids can get their own cheese!! And I don't even have to get up when I am not feeling well. It is a BIG deal in the household where cheese is a staple. I think God is OK with my sliced cheese purchase =)

I even got out of Costco for UNDER $24! That should be on my miracle list for this week too. Not only the money I spent, but what I got for that money... 2lbs of really good sliced cheese, 60 sticks of string cheese, 2 loaves of bread, one gallon of whole milk, 40 small flour tortillas, and 12 HUGE muffins (read: individual chocolate cakes - I was needing a chocolate fix the other night and no way to satisfy it. I now have many 'little cakes', individually wrapped and frozen for when the need arises!)
Anyway...I am impressed with myself!

Now to the laughing and crying portion of my story.
We had just found out that the bike was totaled. Eric and I were carpooling - AGAIN - and I arrive to pick Eric up from work Wednesday evening when the air conditioner STOPS working! (enter the waterworks. NOT handling this well. Or should I say, freely expressing my emotions via my tear ducts?)
Perhaps some of you are thinking, 'so? roll down the windows'. Um, NO. Not when it is still in the upper 90's and your daughter has a heat intolerance. Even going 70 mph down the freeway (which is the speed limit here) it was simply loud, HOT air and not a cooling option at all.
So...into the shop it goes.
I debate on whether this was desperation here or faith. We had ABSOLUTELY no money to fix it. NONE. But..what were the options?? Perhaps it was as simple as needing more freon. (but I knew then it wasn't going to be that simple)
4 hours into the diagnostic stage and our grand total for non-optional items on the van??? $3700. YIKES!!
This is where the laughing comes in - or thereabouts...
I spent TWO HOURS on Tuesday stressing about an 80 cent difference in cheese and now I have $3700 worth of repairs needed on the van. I think God was enjoying this too, really. Like, 'Triann, spend the money on the cheese that makes your life easier right now and we'll tackle the bigger things together, OK?'
Another MIRACLE was that I didn't cry at all Thursday. I think I was somewhat 'pre-pared' for the fact that it wasn't going to be good news.
There was a laundry list of items, including the compressor, cooling fan, etc for the AC to work again ($2600) and the brakes - which we already knew were an issue, but were kind of ignoring (the whole money thing), plus power steering issues, etc. Now, before you think we drive a junker car and should just replace it...we have a mini-van I love! It is a 2003 Honda Odyssey. Perfect for the family and all of Emily's medical equipment (wheelchair, mobile stander, etc) We have put 135,000 miles on it and we intend to drive until we can afford a conversion van (or until one just shows up in our driveway =) We purchased the van with the expectation of driving well past the 200,000 mile mark. We have sold several Hondas throughout our married life with over 250,000 miles on them and they were still great cars. Anyway...the money we are investing in repairs far outweigh trying to go down another path. Am I really rationalizing with people I may not even know? I am going to require more counseling for this ;)

Back to my story.
Eric has a very small 'silent' partner interest in a business he helped put together when Emily was a toddler. Typically, he would get a payout at the end of the year. Because of our situation, our dear friend offered to give him an advance on his earnings to help pay for the repairs. GOD ROCKS!!!
Our AC repair was going to be $2600. At this point we have ZERO vehicles and ZERO dollars. Not really workin' for us.
Eric's advance was $2200! REALLY close, but still $400 shy of what we needed. What to do??
I called the shop and spoke with the gentleman who had been helping us and basically said - here's what I've got. I understand that brakes are also a high priority, but I HAVE to have a vehicle and AC takes top spot at the moment. There was a lot more rambling, but I'll spare you.

Now, had this been December, we could have gone with a different order for our top five - but not early September in Texas!!
He puts me on hold and comes back and says they can do the job for $2295. AWESOME! Still nearly $100 short, but a lot closer to the money we had *pending* in the bank. He said, "I actually was able to bring it down to $3010, but $2295 sounds better"
My reply was to let him know I would call my folks and beg them for the other $100 I needed to get my van back on the road for the moment.
The next words out of his mouth were "don't do anything yet - I'll call you back in fifteen minutes"

I want to insert that I wouldn't actually have to beg, I just REALLY didn't want to call my folks and ask for MORE help. They buy the kids clothes and shoes, and help out in numerous ways. I was dreading it. Mainly because it makes me feel icky, not because I thought I would have to grovel.

Less than five minutes later he calls me back and says, "I'm about to be your new best friend, how does $2175 sound?"
Sounds like the miracle we have been praying for!!
And I responded with something along those lines in addition to profuse thank yous. Then he says, "I just HATE having to ask my parents for money, I didn't want you to have to do that" Awesome! Obviously God knew the words I needed to speak, because normally I wouldn't have wanted to admit that either. I am certain with the economy and lay-offs right now they have all sorts of negotiating and sob stories coming in. I really wasn't trying to barter anything, I was just giving the guy the truth - here's what I've got. And I didn't even attempt to go into our saga.
Whether this young man is a Christian or not, God used him to bless our family.
How AWESOME is that??

I called Eric to tell him the good news and proudly told him "I didn't even have to cry!" Which is hilarious. One of my earlier posts I talk about how I was NEVER a crier. Now I'm a cry-baby.

Lunch while waiting for car diagnostics: $3.78
Ac Repair Estimate:$2600
Not crying about it: Priceless

Couldn't help myself! =)

If you think this is the end of our crazy week, you haven't been following us long!
Stay tuned for more exciting episodes in the Benson's life of Faith and Drama!

And now... back to the Cancer Report...

Nothing new to report...that's good, right? =)

Daniel starts pre-school next week and I CANNOT wait! 2 days of rest a week sounds amazing.
I am doing better with getting my pills in, but again, the more pills, the more nausea, the more fatigue.
Emily having to get up before daylight to get on the bus is insane and not helping matters, but she is loving school and that is giving me a break once I have her dressed, fed, medicated, and off to school!

Eric and I are back to carpooling for the time being while his bike is in the shop - will give you an update on that when I have one.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your continued Prayers and Support.
My next blood draw will be around November 1st and we will see where my Mitotane and steroid levels are.

I'm certain you will hear from me before then though!
Triann

Are We Under Attack??

Spiritual, that is...
A wise friend says 'no'. And I am inclined to agree with her.
Eric was in a Motorcycle accident Friday morning. He walked away, THANK YOU LORD! He has some good scrapes on his wrists (as shown) from where his summer gloves didn't overlap his jacket - he bought a new pair of summer gloves when he went to the shop to pick up his bike! His shoulders and neck are sore from rolling down the road (ya think?), but his gear took the brunt of it, as it should, and he was able to get his legs out from under his bike as he went down. AND no one ran him over. AND he wasn't on the freeway!
ALL great things to be thankful for.

Take a look at that helmet and imagine what his face *would have* looked like, had he not been wearing it! His jacket and pants are scratched up, but still wearable. His bike is basically OK, The boxes are broken and need to be replaced and he *obviously* will need a new helmet, but the thing that really matters is that he is still here with us!
He is really sad about the watch. It was a gift from me I brought back from Hawaii 7 yrs a go. I think I will send it in to Fossil and see if there is any way they can repair it...

That my hubby is still here and my kids still have their dad - AWESOME!

However...I was an emotional wreck! Ever since we moved to Dallas I hear myself repeating 'I am not a crier'. Dang it! I think now I am. I never USED to be a crier, but my coping capabilities have gone down hill in the last year! Could it be that I am missing an adrenal gland??? I am certain that is part if it, but definitely not all of it!
My dear friend shared that Eric's accident was just the 'one more thing' in our long list of 'things' that we are going through. If we were 'Family Average', it might still be upsetting, but it wouldn't have shaken my world like it did. I think she is right. I mean, good grief, was there any other mom at packet pick up (Friday morning, shortly after my phone call with Eric) that when the school couldn't locate their child's folder and then was told they didn't think supplies could still be purchased, burst into tears? Doubtful. =) Those poor volunteers. I'm not sure they knew what to do with me. GREAT first impression. LOL!
THIS is why I can't say I never cry any longer.
It really bugs me. But perhaps that's another post as well as a year of therapy...

For those of you looking for an amazing devotional book, you have to pick up "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. For everyone else, pick it up anyway. It has been great. Just what I need, and I know it would bless you too!

Here is a portion of Friday's devotional...
..."You are walking along the path I have chosen for you. It is both a privileged and perilous way: experiencing MY glorious presence and heralding that reality to others. Do not worry about what others think of you. Stay on the Path of Life with Me. Trust Me wholeheartedly, letting my Spirit fill you with Joy and Peace."...

1Kings 8:23
"O, Lord, God of Israel, there is no God like you in heaven above or on earth below - You who keep Your covenant of love with your servants who continue wholeheartedly in Your way"

Checking In

Well, both sets of Grandparents have been to visit and that was wonderful.

Now we are getting ready for school. I feel ready and not ready.
I am looking forward to the rest I will get and the efficiency of my errands when I go by myself!

No more news from MD Anderson, so I guess that means all is well...

My biggest issue right now is extreme fatigue. I am truly thankful my GI 'hysteria' has calmed down since they back me down to 10 chemo pills/day. Not eliminated, but bearable.

I will be starting a Bible Study on Hope with a friend of mine after school starts and am looking forward to more insight on the matter. =)

There is rumor I may have some friends visiting from the west coast this fall and I am SO very excited about that!

Pray all is well with my readers/blog followers/friends!

Triann

Praise is in Order!!

Thank you EVERYONE who has prayed for us and supported us - in all sorts of ways.

I am THRILLED to report good scans!!!

A full report will be in next week and not all tests are back....but the oncologist said he would see me NEXT YEAR!! Six month check up - AWESOME!

God Rocks!

Tired, but thankful.

Will write more later.
Triann

Verses of the Day

Sometimes God shows us, tells us, communicates to us a theme or a verse over and over and over to get our attention. Since Saturday I have had some themes and verses He has been shouting at me and I thought I would share - perhaps you are in need of hearing the same messages =)

I am loved by God - unconditionally (and so are you!!)
I cannot earn it or even fathom its depth with my finite mind.

HOPE. HOPE. HOPE.

And Prayer. I can be a prayer warrior for myself, and that's OK. It's not selfish. He wants me to dialogue with Him. That's what I was designed for - a relationship with the Creator. And although prayer does not need to be formal (as I was reminded - again - in the car while listening to Stephen Curtis Chapman sing "Let us Pray")
He also desires for us to set aside some REAL quiet time with him - even if it is 10 minutes!
To talk with Him, give our full attention to Him.
Yes, even with a 3 yr old in the house!

The verses I continue to be led to are

"You are fearfully and wonderfully made". Psalm 139:14

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future". Jeremiah 29:11

"Be Joyful in HOPE, Patient in affliction, faithful in PRAYER." Romans 12:12

I wanted to have some clarification on a couple of words. I know the general gist, but felt compelled to truly define the words.

One word was AFFLICTION.
Dictionary.com states that it is a noun meaning
1. a state of pain, distress, or grief; misery
2. a cause of mental or bodily pain, as sickness, loss, calamity, or persecution.

Synonyms: mishap, trouble, tribulation, calamity, catastrophe, disaster. Affliction, adversity, misfortune, trial refer to an event or circumstance that is hard to bear.

Got it.

Secondly DECLARES.
Sounds Kingly (probably because He is, but just needed to know)

To make known formally or officially, to make known or state clearly, esp. in explicit or formal terms
To state emphatically or authoritatively; affirm, to announce officially; proclaim
To reveal or make manifest; show

Not only is the Lord making it known, he is SHOWING us that what he says is true (manifest - readily perceived by the eye or the understanding; evident; obvious; apparent, show plainly: to prove; put beyond doubt or question)

LOVE IT! What wonderful promises.

This is where I find peace. This is how I have Hope. This is how I 'Keep Moving Forward'

The Good News is here, the great news is to come...

One more week and lab results

My labs results were disappointing, but not surprising.
I am actually down 2 points. =(
I have been really sick with GI side effects plus the horrid can't-get-out-of-bed dizziness and the oncologist has dropped me down to 10 pills a day, even though my numbers are lower.

We head down to MD Anderson Cancer Center Next Tuesday.

Please keep us in your prayers. Great results. Safe Trip.
My mom will be flying down Tuesday to play with the kids while Eric and I are at the hospital. We will head south directly from the airport.

Only 2 More Weeks

We are headed back to MD Anderson in two weeks! I am looking forward to the trip because I would like to be able to breathe a sigh of relief until the next visit. (Keep those prayers coming!)
However...there is also the anxiety (fear) that things won't be OK.
Eric and I have the conversation often that I don't have cancer, I'm simply on chemo.
There has not been a sign of cancer since the tumor was removed in October - PRAISE the LORD!!
However, I am still on high doses of chemo and have still not reached the 'optimal' level of the drug in my system.
I have had a really rough month with getting my pills in. Stomach aches, stomach cramps, nausea, vomiting, GI issues galore. I don't know if it is the heat or the stress of the move, the kids and their medical things recently. Perhaps it is simply the meds. Hmmm. Or a combo of it all. I am now getting the dizziness back in full force like I had a few months ago. Ugh. But wanting, NEEDING more time with my family is my driving force to continue to take the Mitotane.
Adrenal Cancer is RARE. Stage 2 Adrenal Cancer is VERY rare! A tremendous gift that that this terrible disease was found so early! Thank you God and thank you Daniel.
I actually find it difficult to scold him when he jumps on me, but I have to. Especially since my incision site is still tender!

I really believe that God can hand me many more years here on this earth with Eric and Emily and Daniel.
But it is such a mental game.

Please pray for my overall health. My medication intake. My upcoming scans. My family - it is really taxing on Eric and so hard for the kids to understand why mommy is always tired and not feeling well. Emily told me today that she wanted me to get some rest so I didn't get sick again. Daniel has always been clingy, but it is getting ridiculous. I hate that my kiddos, esp Emily, are being forced to grow up too fast. I hate cancer. But I love the Lord and I know He loves me. That He cares about my family. I need to continue to put my trust and my hope in Him alone.

I am up tonight with heartburn and an upset stomach. But I am so tired and dizzy it is hard to stay upright. Now what do I do??

I suppose I will sign off for now and catch up with y'all later.

My Mom will be flying down for this trip to Houston to keep the kiddos entertained while Eric and I are at the hospital for long and grueling days! I am thankful she is able to take the time off and come help. I know it is tough on my parents to not be closer.

Thank you -again - to Amy and Christophe for donating hotel points for our stay.
Thank you to my Mops group for the great freezer meals this month.
Thank you to my in-laws for giving me a couple of naps while they are here visiting.
Thank you to Belinda for taking the kids on separate outings. For making them feel special and giving them a chance to get out of the craziness for awhile.

I am certain there are others I am missing, so thank you to all of you who have been praying for us and lending a hand. We couldn't do it without you.

Goodnight.

Update

I am tired and don't really want to talk about/share my life right now.
However, you can pray that it gets easier to take my pills and that I can figure out more rest time. And that I can get this house unpacked and everyone settled in.
Praises are that Emily's stay at the hospital went well, Eric's procedure went well, and that our apartment is nice and cool despite the 3 digit temp outside!

Back Online!!

Has it really been that long since I have written??
I have missed my internet!!!

My numbers came back - I am up to 9.7.
Getting there, but was really hoping for a higher #. (needs to be between 13 and 20 for those of you new to the updates)
I am having a REALLY tough time getting all my pills in, especially with this move - too busy and not wanting to slow down or be sick. Now I have to get into a routine again and choke them all down. No more excuses...

I am overwhelmed with the amount of boxes littering my house, and the army of ants that are invading my pantry and any box with a food item of any kind. The exterminators came yesterday, but I am having to toss anything already opened and it is frustrating. They are still crawling around - I am guessing it will take a couple of days for them to all die off. (I suppose that is a lame thing to whine about when one is fighting cancer, but it is annoying all the same)

Today I am tired and nauseous, but I have a sitter coming and hope to take a nap - and perhaps Eric and I can even get out for a cheap date =)

We go back to MD Anderson in July. Please start praying now for clear scans!
I will also have an appointment at the fatigue clinic and have high hopes for that.

Both kids out of school is really tough. I didn't realize how much time they were at school!

Talk to y'all soon!
Triann

Time is ticking away...

I am in the throws of moving. Sorting, tossing, donating, packing. Plus the end of the school year, plus, plus, plus. I am SO ready to be on the other side of this move. I don't care if we unpack a box for months - I just want to be done with this end of the process!
That being said, I apologize that I have not been updating blogs like I should be. It will be sparse for awhile.
I am, however, waiting for my lab results to come in and will post those as soon I get them. My side effects have been especially bad recently and I don't know if it is 'simply' my chemo numbers are increasing (which would be good - overall) or if it is the combo of pushing myself to get this house sorted and packed, the end of school 'stuff' and the meds just taking a toll on me.
We soon shall see. Perhaps even when the numbers come in, I won't really know until I am moved and can rest again. =)
Thank you for continued prayers.
Triann

We found an Apartment!

Yea God!
We found - and secured - an apartment just up the road from where we currently live. We take possession on June 1st and will be moving once Emily is out of school for the year.
Our BIG prayer now is that Emily will be able to transfer into her current school. Right now she is on the waiting list as they are downsizing teachers.
On the upside, the apartment is in a great location and it has a pool and a playground. It is also ADA. Which means that Emily can wheel into every area of the house - including the bathrooms (which she has never been able to do). She is very excited. The kitchen sink is REALLY low, therefore Eric won't be doing any dishes! I hate to tell you we will just be filling the earth with paper plates for the time being, but that is our reality!
Now to PACKING PACKING PACKING! Or should that be PANICKING! =) Missing an adrenal gland does have its upside. I am MUCH less stressed than the former me would have been! Also more forgetful. But it all evens out, right?
Thank you for your continued prayers
Triann

Wisdom. Clarity. Peace.

I am requesting prayer for wisdom. For both Eric and I. We are coming to the end of our lease and need to downsize our living expenses (utilities are INSANE in Texas!). That being said we are in search of an apartment, but that is no easy task and there are SO many factors we are weighing.

We are also trying to figure out our best option for a second vehicle and how to go about that. And today I started having a minor issue with the van and needing a clear definition of need and want. Were I perfectly healthy I could probably call it a want, but it may truly be a need...

I tend to over analyze, have difficulty making decisions, and then constantly wonder if the decision I (or we) made was the right one. I am hoping that if I pray for wisdom and clarity, that I will also have peace with the decisions that are made. I really want to listen to the voice of God, but sometimes it is faint when there are so many other things shouting over him that I can't focus!

I have great friends (and some strangers)that have been lifting us up in prayer, helping me pack, and taking care of meals. Especially now that Eric and I are sharing a car my fatigue has been kicked up a notch!

I am SO truly blessed. I need to keep reminding myself of the good things in life - the laughter of my children, the love of my husband, and the listening ears of my friends. That we do have food on the table, that Eric has a job, that I have a really comfortable bed, the list goes on and on. Some days I lose sight of the bigger picture. (Even though my bigger picture is much smaller than His bigger picture)

Of course, drowning my sorrows in an occasional Grande White Chocolate Mocha never hurts either =)

Thank you to all of you for your prayers and encouragement.

It's Just a Stupid Car

OK. We are 4 days post accident.
Eric and I have a zillion stories to tell from over the years, but we are still telling them together.
We are coming up on our 14th wedding anniversary this fall and we have been through a number of things that have caused other couples to throw in the towel.
As stressful as it is, we still have each other. And that is HUGE.
I am so very thankful that I have been blessed with more time with my family, that my kids are OK and that my hubby is sticking by my side through it all. Truly a blessing.
I realized yesterday that the world has not stopped spinning, we have much to be thankful for AND sharing a vehicle for now is giving us more time together (commuting)plus more time for me to rest because I can't go anywhere on the days he has the van.

"give thanks in all circumstances" 1 Thessalonians 15:18a

Not an easy thing, but boy does it help change one's point of view!
God knows best, doesn't he?

At the end of the day, it's just a car.
Currently, a hunk of metal.
No big deal in the scheme of things.

I think I was feeling overwhelmed because it was ONE MORE thing we had to deal with. One more expense, one more hassle. But that's how Satan distracts us, isn't it?
We have our 'health' - even if it is medically altered - and we have each other.

'Na Na Na Na, life goes on!'

Perspective

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I NEED these reminders. A lot lately. This is one that I am so glad is in my memory banks for me to pull up and calm me down.

We have had a rough go these last several weeks.Eric was traveling on business for 4 weeks straight. He would come home long enough to wash his clothes, for the two of us to have a good fight, and then head out again (those of you with traveling spouses I know can relate). Literally about a 36 hour weekend. It was tough on me, tough on the kids, and tough on Eric.

My Hawaii trip, the one that was cancelled in October when I ended up in the hospital, had been rescheduled for April. Unfortunately, I was scheduled to fly out early Saturday morning the 25th and Eric flew in the night of the 24th. HORRIBLE timing!

Hawaii was a nice break and it was the first time I was able to leave the kids without suffering from mommy guilt - awesome! But is was SO tough to go yet one more week without being a family. I missed Eric immensely and that put a small damper on things. On the upside it was absolutely beautiful and we had a great time - especially laying on the beach (under an umbrella for me) and Happy Hour at Margaritaville!

I flew in Sunday night, May 3rd after 2 days of plane rides and an hour and a half of sleep, not good.
Monday morning was a rude awakening getting Emily ready for school at 1 AM Hawaii time! Ugh.
I got her off to school and settled in for a little while before heading to MOPS - or so I thought. Well, I would have hustled through a shower if I had known what my next call would be!

Eric.
In a car accident.
SERIOUSLY????

PLEASE! When will we get a break? I am strong enough in my faith to know we are not being punished, but Monday I definitely felt like throwing in the towel. On what, I don't know, but I was DONE!

Eric is OK - HUGE PRAISE!
The car, not so much.
Downsizing, it's the way to go right now, right?

After a 6 hr cry, 4 Advil, and a nap, I was a new woman.
I have no idea how this situation is going to play out.
Eric was 'at fault', even though the persons in front of him were goofing off driving, ultimately, he ran into them... AND because we just gave up the motorcycle and he was using our 'back-up' car, we did not have full-coverage. YIKES! We were actually shocked to find this out, totally our fault, but nothing to do about it now.

I am certain God does have a plan for us. One of the biggest confirmations that HE knows all things is that we just got permission to bus Emily to and from school -begininning Monday, May 4th - the same day as the accident. (Her school is a 'walking' school, so there is no busing except under special circumstances). Our special circumstances happened to be the oncologist saying NO DRIVING when you feel dizzy. Well, some days I do, some days I don't - how can one count on that??
At least now Emily has a ride to school and back and Eric can take the van most days. It is a short term solution, but I am certain that God has a long-term remedy. HE just isn't ready to inform us of it yet.

Several weeks ago I was digging through a box in the garage and came across a card a friend had given me years ago. I had long forgot about this card, but recognized it immediately when I saw it. To my amazement, it had 'MY' verse on the front "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him." Romans 15:13

This is the verse that was spoken to me in the hospital. And the card now sits next to our wedding picture on my nightstand. After yesterday, I decided I need to find a frame for it.

It is a card by Karla Dornacher and the inside reads

'Don't Wish upon a shining star
or put your trust in another
but daily place the cares of your heart
in the hands of your Heavenly Father

For HE has heard your prayers
and He knows your heart.
and His answer's a whisper away
So don't give up, don't doubt His love,
but hold on in faith one more day

And while you wait, keep your eyes on Jesus
Let your hope be in Him alone
Let His Word give light to encourage your soul
and His Spirit give your heart a home'

Perspective.
Great, isn't it?

Drug Update

OK. Just got off of the phone with the oncologist and my Mitotaine level has not changed since last month =(
He is changing my dose from 10 pills/day to 15 pills/day.
Eek!
Pray my numbers go up this next month and that I don't go too crazy!

I think I need a chocolate fix...

good thing it's Easter weekend and chocolate consumption is a nearly guaranteed occurrence!

Happy Easter!

I hope everyone has wonderful Easter plans and a joyous time of celebration at church this weekend! It truly is a glorious holiday!
We have two Easter Egg hunts to choose from on Saturday and we will be attending Easter service Sunday morning.

Things for us have been kind of a roller coaster ride these last few weeks.
Eric has been traveling for work and I have been fighting with my meds! Still no results on my Mitotaine levels, but everything else came back looking good. It looks like my new dose of the florinef and prednisone is the double dose they put me on last week.

I am having a lot of 'normal' days -meaning tired, but basically functioning. And some that are WAY out of whack. It is kind of hard to plan for these things! One constant has been that the later in the day it is, or the more things on my 'to-do' list (such as doctor appointments), the more my fatigue, confusion, and dizziness is an issue.
My dear friend, Andrea, basically forced me to ask for (and receive) help. I know I need it - esp with Eric out of town - but it is SOOOOO hard to be on the side of need. But there have been a ton of red flags that I am not as OK as I think I am. For example, I was filling out a form for Emily at OT and where it asked for the name of who was completing the survey I wrote 'Darlene' (my mother's name) Hmmmm. I'm sure my family could give you a zillion examples, but truly my memory doesn't allow for me to give you very many =)

Anyway, Andrea set up a website where people can see what we need help with, such as rides or meals. I am trying to plan for help when I have an appointment that is further away or when I know my day is busier than normal and I am going to be a wreck by the afternoon. It has already been such a blessing.
A lot of this journey has been altering my expectations and only taking on a little bit every week rather than a 'conquer the world in one day' attitude.


The other HUGE blessing is that Emily finally qualified for respite care and we are able to have some help several afternoons a week. We have two people helping currently. One takes Emily to school and sometimes helps with bedtime routines. The other picks her up from school 2-3 days a week and helps with homework, encouraging Emily to keep her room picked up, and doing projects together.
It has been great!
This summer I will have even more hours of help -yea!

Green Light!!!

Kind Of....
If I don't feel dizzy I can drive.
My fear is not feeling dizzy when I head out, but getting dizzy while I am out and about =)
We will be monitoring this closely. Basically the chemo eats up the prednisone and cortisone I'm on and apparently my chemo dose is winning this round. I will be on a double dose of my steroids until further notice. Not sure how that will change things, except that I am a little shaky now and then.
'Talk' to you all soon!
Triann

PS
Thank you to Belinda for driving 'duty' and Sheila for fulfilling my Ice Cream cravings. Thank you also to Laura, Andrea, and Heather for offers of help. I appreciate all of you wonderful ladies who are jumping in when things get rough! (and everyone else who I may not have mentioned)

Update on the Driving Dilemma

I have cancelled a couple of appointments and have friends helping with the rest.
I feel SO much better now that the doctor has changed the dosage on some of my meds.
I think I am OK, but am waiting for the green light from my doctor to be independent again.
Thank you all for your prayers.

Prayers Please

I just spoke with my Oncologist because I have been having some 'difficulties' with my chemo. Bottom line is I cannot drive until they work out the 'kinks'. Please pray that the 'kinks' are worked out VERY soon. No driving is killer in this household.
Thanks
Triann

Things are looking up!

At least in my blood work =) The results from my lab work at MD Anderson measuring my Moitotane level indicates that I am at a 5.9 - nearly double what it had been just two weeks prior! I will be going in again this week for another blood draw and am confident my numbers will be looking good! We are aiming for a number between 13 and 20 to be 'therapeutic'.

I had a wonderful trip to Virginia - thank you Silbernagel family!- and was so blessed that, not only did I get a rest and a true vacation, but Eric and the kids had such a fantastic time as well.Eric did an AMAZING job with them.I know he thinks that I think he is incapable, but it's just my need for control that makes me worry about them! (perhaps it's pride and control God is working on with me) He and the kids walked to the video store and rented a movie for family movie night, they made me several bracelets for my medic alert tag, and even baked and decorated cupcakes! I was VERY impressed.

Both kids are growing - shoes are too small and pants are too short! Do they really have to have a growth spurt at the SAME time?

A friend of ours gave us a TON of clothes for Daniel and Grandma and Grandpa Rose sent the kids shoe shopping =) Thank you everyone!

We are almost done completing our respite care paperwork and we should have someone on board to start helping me out by the end of the week!

All great things.

Keep up the prayers!
Triann

Totally Off Topic - Well, Sort Of

Last spring I called my good friend and said 'We have to go to this SHE SPEAKS Conference being put on by Proverbs 31 Ministries'. The calling to write a book about my life experiences with my daughter who has Spina Bifida had been on my heart for quite some time. But shortly after that conversation with my friend, our family relocated for my husband's job and the money for the conference just wasn't there. So I resigned myself to looking forward to the 2009 conference. Well,this year doesn't look any more promising financially, but my calling is even stronger with the experiences I have had since last Spring! Seeing the She Blogs track resulted in a happy dance right then and there!

A book is still roaming around in the back of my head, but blogging has really captured me and fulfilled the need to share portions of my story and the satisfaction of knowing I can be an encouragement as I journey towards 'writing' someday.

I would encourage you to check out Proverbs 31 Ministries and to research the conference that is coming up in July. Perhaps this is a calling you have had, you just needed the tools. Or perhaps this will be the seed that needed to be planted so you too could further the kingdom with your speaking, leading, writing, or blogging. Whatever the case, I hope you look into it. At the very least, check their website for the amazing daily devotions. I just love how God has spoken to my heart through other ladies in Christ at Proverbs 31.

I started this blog - with the help of my DH - as a way to keep family and friends updated on what was going on with me after my 'out-of-the-blue' diagnosis of adrenal cancer. Is there ever a cancer diagnosis that is not a surprise? I am guessing 'NO', but it was truly a shocker at age 34 and 'healthy'.

However, this blog has ended up as so much more than a medical update. At times I try really hard to keep it to the facts, but really it is therapy and I cannot separate my medical issues with who I am in the other areas of my life.

I have known for years that God was calling me to write. I have a 7 year old with 'special needs' (I hate that term, but 'disabled' and handicapped' aren't any better) and there is SO little out there for moms going through the struggles of raising a child with health issues. I have a dear friend with a daughter four months younger than mine with the same diagnosis and we truly would be lost without each other. To KNOW that one is not alone on such a journey is awesome. I understand that we are not alone when we are believers - followers of Christ -and that He will never leave us or forsake us. But I also believe that he gives us people here on earth to help us through the tough times as well. I am certain that there are moms out there who are alone - or feel alone. Who struggle through each day with no encouraging words or glimpses of hope. God has brought several of these ladies across my path and I have been so blessed to know each of them and to have new friends to share this journey with. But now I am wondering if that is my only mission. There are now three in our household with major medical issues. We've had layoffs, and wildfires, and doctors, Oh My!

At every turn I have a brand new potential 'audience'. A new group I can relate to and speak to from the heart because I've been there - or am currently in the midst of!

Now I need help in my focus. Discerning the where do I start? Do I roll all my experiences into one package, or am I to break it down into separate pieces? I used to think that a book was the only avenue to reaching those who needed to hear the message God had given to me to share, but since beginning this blog last fall, I am invigorated by the INSTANT nature of a blog. I don't have to wait until I have completed numerous rough drafts and pitched to a number of publishers to get - perhaps - on a bookshelf and pray that the right person finds what they need to hear so desperately. A mom can do a search for 'mom with cancer' or 'raising a child with special needs' and Viola! I'm there. More importantly, GOD is there - ready to meet her need to be understood. The need to connect. The need to be loved, especially by her Creator.

Although I continue to pursue writing a book, I believe He is calling me to reach others swiftly.

All that being said, I obviously need help honing skills, coming up with a Blog name (Insert Catchy Title Here was a placeholder while I thought of something else and that was FIVE months ago!), narrowing down my target audience, and growing my blog so that I can reach more moms - to offer them the light of Christ and be a friend to those who are also overwhelmed and tired, just like me.

Attending the conference would be such a treat. Winning a Scholarship would be a tremendous blessing! I have read many other bloggers' entries and there are so many talented ladies with incredible hearts for God. I must continue reminding myself that God's timing is perfect that if it is to be, it will be. God is in control and He knows the right time for me to attend the conference, if ever. I may not always understand His timing, or His path, but He continually reassures me that He cares about every detail of my life and has my best interest at heart. Perhaps this blog will encourage you to enter the Scholarship contest with She Speaks and catapult you into an unforgettable journey!

I hope to see you there ladies! If not, I will continue to visit with you on the World Wide Web! =)

In Him,
Triann

The Results Are In...Almost

The doctor said I made his day!
That's got to be good, right?? =)
He was very pleased - both with how 'little' the chemo was affecting me (compared to others who are on it) and that my scans were clean.
He said my bloodwork was gorgeous!
We are still a long ways off from the therapeutic level of the chemo, but he said it will take awhile.
His expectation was for me to be in much worse shape than I was.
The Radiology reports sounded good, but he hadn't actually laid eyes on the scans himself. He will call me next week once he has done that.
There is a cyst on my kidney, but they are not concerned about that.
I had a ultrasound of my thyroid and there are several nodules, but they appear benign and they will recheck those in a year. (If they had looked suspicious they would have done a biopsy)
My bloodwork looks good - my steroid dose is appropriate. He will continue to check my Mitotane level monthly.

There are always questions I forget to ask, so I will be sending him an e-mail Monday!

Again - thank you for your prayers. I will try to recount more adventures later, I have just been SO tired and kind of busy with travel and birthdays.

We will return to Houston late in the summer for the next round of tests.

Micro Summary of Day One, Trip Two at MD Anderson

Haircut -looks good so far - will post pics later.
Ultrasound of Thyroid/neck - NO biopsy needed! Praise God!
Blood Draw - couldn't count the number of vials required - yikes!
Chest X-ray
900 ml of Berry Barium 'smoothie' later only to find out they decided against the contrast CT!! Arrgh!
Chest CT
Contrast MRI of abdomen and pelvis.

Will give more details later.

Appointment with Oncologist today at 11AM. Don't expect full report until Friday night, but perhaps sooner. I will try!

Thank you for your prayers, texts, e-cards, and support.

Triann

Making the Most of It

In an earlier post I mentioned the Cleaning for a Reason foundation. I am still working on getting all of the required paperwork to them, but once I complete that, they will come in and clean my house once a month for 4 months. I am REALLY looking forward to that!

Yesterday my sister *lovingly* told me I really needed to figure out how to budget for a haircut! I agree. But it is tough to 'justify' such things right now. I figure I can always put it in a ponytail and spend my money in other areas that are of a higher value to me. I won't go into it, but let's just say it has always been hard for me to spend money on myself to begin with and things have been such that it is even tougher for me to make an appointment that I know will not be cheap and seems selfish.

So...I thought to myself, if there is a program out there to help women clean their homes while they are on Chemo, perhaps there is a program for women with cancer to get their haircut as well.

I am happy to announce that, 'yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus'!!

MD Anderson actually has a beauty salon/barber shop on site and they give shampoos, haircuts, scarves, and wigs to all patients FREE of charge! Thankfully, I don't need the wig/scarf benefit with the type of chemo I am on, but the haircut is certainly a welcome treat! It is on a first come, first serve basis - so pray that I get in!!

Typically I am VERY picky/nervous about who cuts my hair because it is naturally curly and the wrong cut can be disastrous! But I think I am up to the adventure and certainly willing to take a risk for such a great price! (my dad would be proud =)

Perhaps I will post before and after pictures and you all can decide!

Pray that I am able to get in and that the end result doesn't make me cry!

Triann

Mito-'drain' Update

'You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all and there you have the Facts of Life, the Facts of Life...'

Is it stuck in your head yet?
Oh good. Mission Accomplished! =)

I just got off of the phone with my Oncology nurse and now I feel about 2 inches tall and technically it is not my fault. But I still feel like I am in Time Out for being STUPID! (I would be scolded by Emily if she heard me say that!)
This is how the story goes. Eric cancelled our home phone number TWO months ago with Verizon. Apparently...our voice mail is still active. Well, I called and left a message for the nurse about my new cell phone number but they were still leaving messages on my home number.
THEREFORE, I did NOT get the message that I needed to go up -again- on my Chemo pills (Mitotane). Arghh.
I was scolded and told that I had to 'confess my sins' to the Dr next week!(not her words, but my interpretation)
She was nice about it, but still irritated that I hadn't started on the 10 chemo pills a day yet. But I didn't know! And I did call and give them my new number. And she has left messages on my new cell, so I knew she had it and assumed that was the only number they were using. What other messages am I missing when people think they are reaching me?? Arghh again!

My mitotane level is at a 3. It needs to be a minimum of 13. I cannot imagine what that means for my energy level and confusion/memory loss in the future. Perhaps nothing, but I am nervous. Part of the questioning I have for my doctor is if I have to take 4 times more pills will my side effects be 4 times worse? Or will my body adjust as I go up on the 'meds' and I will basically feel like I do now? Perhaps only time will tell...

I will let you know how 'confession' goes next week with my doctor!
Triann

Gearing Up for MD Anderson

I thought I was ready to go back to Houston. I think the closer it gets, the more reservations I have!

We will leave the afternoon of February 24th. I have CT scans, MRI's, and blood work all day Wednesday which will leave me crashed out Wednesday night! Thursday, Eric and I will meet with the oncologist and get the results (pray for great ones) and the next course of action. Hopefully, I will be done in time to get a nap in so we can take the kids to the Houston Children's Museum Thursday night. It is FREE on Thursday nights and we took advantage of the free admission last time too. There is a ton of stuff for the kids to do and they really enjoyed themselves on the previous trip.
Friday, weather-permitting, we will head to the zoo before driving north. We were gifted a zoo membership in November - yet another free activity for us to enjoy! The perfect way to celebrate Daniel's 3rd Bday as well - which is the 27th.

Detail-wise things are coming along. Some friends of ours have generously donated hotel points for our stay, so that is covered (Thanks you guys!) Eric's Mom is flying down thanks to some friends whose husband works for Southwest Airlines who have given her a voucher for the flight. She will help out with the kids again, allowing Eric to be there as a support to me while at the hospital and another set of ears to take in everything I hear from the oncologist!

Please pray for a safe trip, that every detail will be taken care of, and that in the moments that don't HAVE to revolve around the cancer, we can enjoy spending time as a family.

Triann

A Great Day for Up!

Monday started out rough. Really rough! But I have an amazing friend who took Daniel for the day so I could run some much needed errands and clean my kitchen. (Thank you Liz!!) It was a big debate for me: Clean the kitchen or Take a nap. A nap might have been the 'right' choice, but I went with clean the kitchen. I haven't seen my counters in weeks - perhaps longer. The satisfaction of having CLEAR counters was TOTALLY worth skipping the nap. I posted the above photo as proof!

Tuesday I had Bible Study and it was so nice to be with other women. My table group has been very supportive and they send dinner home with me on Tuesdays - I LOVE not having to think about what to fix on Tuesdays =) My amazing friend from Monday, came over Tuesday after Bible Study and did my dishes and swept my kitchen floor. Seriously an angel here on earth! Not to mention having 'company' for lunch.

I had the kids in bed by 6:30. I think that's a record.

Today started out as a blank page in my daytimer (I like those), but is quickly becoming a day of necessary things that are being added to my calender by others. Which I suppose is OK since I didn't have anything else planned! =)

I went in for another set of labs last week. The results for my Mitotane levels won't be available until next week, but the rest of the results should be in by Thursday - I will give updates as I receive them. Most of my symptoms are remaining the same - fatigue, some nausea (but that is less and less) and dizziness. The only addition recently has been headaches. And it is questionable as to whether or not my memory is worse now than previously. You can't ask me though, I don't remember!

I cannot believe it is already February. We have three family birthdays this month and at least one friend birthday. It is a good month to celebrate!
We are heading to MD Anderson the last week of February. Eric's mom is flying down again to help us with the kiddos, which will be great! And we will be celebrating Daniel's 3rd Bday while in Houston. We plan on going to the zoo - pray for great weather on the 27th!

I am looking forward to the scans - not actually doing them, but getting the results. I fully expect wonderful news from the doctor. Please keep this in your prayers for me - us! I know many of you have prayed faithfully for me and my family and I am so grateful and truly blessed because of this.

Two of the gals at Bible Study had heard about a program for women with cancer called Cleaning for a Reason. It is a non-profit that works with local cleaning businesses to provide once a month house cleaning (for a total of 4 months) to women undergoing treatment for cancer. I submitted my application last night! How could that not be part of my already excellent day? Now I just have to get rid of the clutter so they CAN clean =)
Their website is http://www.cleaningforareason.org/ if you know of someone who could also benefit from this incredible service.

Here's to another great day ahead!
Triann

In Hiding

The kids are SICK. Hence the lack of communication. Basically we have all been struggling with some bug or another. My greatest struggle the last couple of weeks - aside from having to keep up with doctor visits, urgent care and pharmacy runs, and sick, whiny kids has been my dizziness. I have no idea if it is from the meds - which several of my meds list that as a possible side effect - or if I am fighting some sort of bug myself.
Today was a good day. I was actually able to get out of the house for an hour and visit with a new friend over a cup of coffee - thanks to Eric's folks who arrived last night. Bliss!
I need to have labs drawn tomorrow. I return to MD Anderson at the end of February.
Will check in again soon.
Triann

Coincidence? I don't think so.

I just couldn't get in a good space today.
So I went and grabbed Emily's Bible.
It has larger print - am I really old enough for large print?

Wasn't sure where to start, so I went with the old "open it and see if it inspires me" routine.

It opened to Job.

I was amused.

Several things I gained from the few chapters I read. (Isn't it great that we can read the same chapters, books, and verses again and again and always gain something new - or a tap on the shoulder saying 'you should know this already - you've been here before'.)

First of all, Job had some rotten friends. 'Righteous' friends. I think that they meant well. I know this because we have had friends who have meant well, but really couldn't have hurt us more by their 'helpful' suggestions and opinions.
Next, I am reminded that we cannot fathom the ways of the Lord. He is all-knowing and Almighty and loves us more than we can imagine. I need to quit trying to figure 'it' out. All of the 'whys?' - I need to let them go. Much easier said than done!!
I also needed the reminder that God is in the business of blessing us. After the rain comes the sun, right? He blessed Job immensely because he remained faithful. It didn't mean that Job didn't question, or struggle, or grieve. We are all still human. Yet he still walked with the Lord. That's all he had and he hung onto that. How many walk away in tough times? Then they are really sunk!
But I am on a tangent...

Where I am really blown away is - in His infinite wisdom - He placed the Psalms as the book following Job. The book of song and worship. That is exactly what we are to do in ALL circumstances, but especially when we are having trials and struggles. What will bring us out of the dark spaces?
Focusing on God.
On worship.
On something greater than ourselves and our circumstances.

I certainly don't have it figured out, but enjoy it when the vision becomes a little clearer.

2009

Happy New Year Everyone!

I have been dreading 2009 and also anticipating 2009. I was trying to figure out what my issue was. It boils down to being a little 'gun-shy' after the last 3 years. 2006 was a rough year. 2007 was a challenge to say the least, and well, 2008 doesn't need a lot of explanation to y'all does it? So I'm thinking to myself, what in the world is 2009 gonna hold? I realized there is only one option -great things. Powerful, amazing things from the Lord. Even though the last three years have been extremly difficult, we have had some incredible blessings as well (the whole 'don't throw the baby out with the bath water' saying).
I have felt sorry for myself long enough. We have been drowning in bills for long enough. It is time for change! It is time to step outside of myself and my situation and do something else. I don't even know what that means for me this upcoming year, but I know that we are headed into a great year. I am excited and looking forward to what's around the corner. Will it be perfect? No way! Perhaps it's all in my outlook - and expectations. I know it will be tough. My lab work came back this past week and I have to double my chemo. Now. Yuck. More stomach upset. More fatigue. Less energy.

But what about the good stuff? My sweet Emily just turned 7! SEVEN! Wow! We have been through so much with her health and what a blessing that she is strong and smart and sweet. Eric and I are in our 13th year of marriage - and that is definitely a testament to God being faithful! Daniel is full of energy and humor, Eric has a job, he has started treatment for his autoimmune disease, we have a roof over our head, we have health insurance, we have a loving family, amazing friends, we have never gone hungry - been culinarily creative, but never hungry.

We are in for a great year, not because we 'deserve it', but because we need it. I have this sense of 'pulling up my bootstraps' and taking it on. I am tired of being in survival mode. I want to LIVE in 2009. Not merely survive. That is my prayer for 2009. That we live life to the fullest, take things in stride, and - again - choose joy.

God is good. Life's not perfect. 2009 is gonna be great.